BY AIDAN MOFFAT
ILLUSTRATIONS BY MILANO CHOW
This is a story by Aidan Moffat, the big lovable Scottish perv formerly of Arab Strap. He has a new album coming out of spoken-word pieces where he whispers filthy, sometimes funny stories of love in your ear over moody background music. If you listen to it on the subway you will blush and lower the volume to make sure no one can hear him saying “tets” and “fanny” through your headphones. Why does everything always sound a zillion times dirtier in a Scottish accent? Anyway, this is one of the bonus stories only available on the bonus EP that comes with the new CD, which is called I Can Hear Your Heart and comes out on Chemikal Underground in the US in May.
Ye know what it’s like on a Saturday night, ye’ll have seen it all yerself. Fuckin crazy so it is, fuckin mental what some folk offer ye just for a lift up the road. Fifty quid, a hundred quid, four hundred quid Ah got this one time for takin some posh-lookin laddies back through tae Edinburgh fae the City Centre. They’ll offer ye their beer or their chips-n-curry sauce, but if ye tell them ye cannae help them they’ll fuckin attack yer motor! Nae fuckin respect for us Taxis, these cunts, nae fuckin respect. The last wee prick that gave ma door a kick, Ah just kept drivin an let the cunt think he’d got away wih it, but then Ah turned back roond an kept ma eye on the wee bastard, an radio’d in that naebody was tae pick him up. So Ah sees the boy wavin, ye know, still tryin tae flag doon a cab, an Ah pulls up tae the guy again but the cunt’s that fuckin steamin he doesnae even recognise me, so just before he opens the door tae get in Ah fuckin slammed ma foot doon an went right over the cunt’s feet! Ah made sure it was quiet, mind you, naebody seen it an he wouldnae mind fuck all.
An one other time this laddie’s bein wide, says he’s no payin cause Ah’ve taken the longest route Ah could, blah blah blah. Fuckin smart-cunt, ye know? So Ah just keep the doors locked so this wee studenty wank cannae get oot an he starts fuckin screamin like a wee lassie in the back but Ah fuckin ignored the cunt an drove right roond behind Buchanan Bus Station where the Taxi Rank is, ye know, an me an some ay ma driver mates kicked the boy’s cunt right in. Then we dropped what was left ay the cunt off at the Western Royal, right at the Casualty doors. Fair enough if ye ask me.
See these wee cunts think it’s fuckin easy this Taxi game but it’s fuckin hard work. When ye dae the Knowledge it’s hard as fuck, ye’ve got eleven hundred destinations tae memorize an ye only get forty-five minutes tae answer a hundred fuckin questions. An ye need tae get eighty per cent tae pass or that’s you fucked. An they make ye wait for yer results six weeks as well, but Ah’ll tell ye it’s fuckin worth it, ye can dae much worse than drive a Taxi. Of course this isnae what Ah wanted tae dae but Ah got laid off at the BP years ago. There’s not one driver ye’ll meet who didnae used tae dae somethin else for a livin.
So anyway as Ah was gonnae say, it was a Saturday night. An ye know what the birds are like at the weekend, it’s the same thing every fuckin week—Ah dinnae have any money left, Mister, but Ah’ll flash ye ma knickers or Ah’ll show ye ma tits. Christ, there isnae much left tae flash, ye can just aboot see everythin anyway!
But this one night, Ah just fuckin snapped. Ah dinnae know what came over me, she wasnae even nearly the nicest lookin lassie Ah’ve had in the motor. It was across fae the bank on Ingram Street, so she must’ve been in some club doon Queen Street, ye know, an Ah was just aboot tae knock off an go up the road, ma shift was finished for the night. An then Ah sees this lassie tryin tae flag me doon. She was wearin this tiny wee miniskirt an knee-high boots an had they big hoops hangin fae her ears an she looked like she’d been greetin, her makeup was a bit smudged, ye know? Ah think Ah maybe felt a bit sorry for her, plus she was quite tidy so Ah thought fuck it, Ah might as well see where she wants tae go. So Ah stops an says tae the wee doll, What way are ye wantin, hen? an she says, West End, White Street, an Ah says, Sorry, doll, cannae help ye, Ah’m on ma way home tae the Southside. But she starts pleadin wih me, an Ah’ve heard it all before, offerin me this an that, twice the money, three times the money, but Ah’m no interested, Ah just want tae get home an get tae ma bed. But then she says it—Aw, c’mon, Mister, Ah’ll show ye ma fanny when Ah’m sittin in the back. An that was it, like, that was when Ah just snapped. Ah looked aboot tae make sure there was naebody that could hear me, an Ah says tae the wee lassie, Ah says, Ah’ll tell ye what, hen, Ah’ll take ye up the road if ye’ll dae me a wee favour. Noo, Ah’m no wantin ye tae touch me or anythin like that, Ah’m just wantin tae watch ye touch yerself. Just you sit in the back, Ah says, an Ah’ll watch ye in the mirror, an Ah’ll take ye up the road for free if yer intae it.
She didnae say anythin else. She looked at me for a wee second while she thought aboot it but she didnae think aboot it for long because two seconds later she opened the door an sat doon. As soon as she hears the locks go doon on the doors, she pulls up her wee skirt an takes her knickers doon quick, no slow like in a film or somethin. No off, mind, just doon, so they’re roond aboot her ankles for the whole journey. Obviously Ah’m takin the fuckin long route noo, ye know! Ah said Ah’d take her home, Ah didnae say Ah’d dae it in a hurry! An she doesnae even look at me, she just stares oot the Taxi windae, watchin everybody ootside as she starts tae touch herself. She starts rubbin her thighs on the inside at the top, at either side ay the fanny, which was really bushy, no what Ah’d expected. Ah thought she would’ve had a shave, ye know—Ah thought aw the birds did that these days, Ah read a thing aboot it in a magazine. So anyway then she starts workin her way doon tae the actual fanny, puttin her fingers through her pubes an rubbin her wee button an that, an it’s no long until she’s slidin her fingers in an oot an they’re all fuckin shiny an juicy fae her bein that fuckin wet an that, ye know? Man, she was fuckin right intae it! Ah couldnae fuckin believe it but there Ah was at the bottom ay Byres Road wih a right fuckin stiffy nearly burstin oot ma jeans! So Ah go further up Dumbarton Road that wee bit an take the right up tae Hyndland Street an then turn intae White Street tae drop her off. She doesnae even say anythin, just pulls up her pants an gets oot, nae good-bye or nothin.
An Ah couldnae help maself, Ah had tae dae somethin aboot it, ye know what it’s like. It was fuckin late, so Ah didnae think there’d be anycunt up an aboot, an it wasnae gonnae fuckin take long, Ah can tell ye that! So Ah get ma cock oot an Ah start havin a wank, ye know, an ma eyes are shut an all Ah’m thinkin aboot is her in the back with her fingers wet, her wee white knickers wrapped roond her ankles above her wee strappy heels, starin oot the windae at the steamin cunts ootside who couldnae even guess what she’s up tae in the back, an Ah’m sure it must’ve only took a minute, but as soon as Ah’d shot ma load Ah hears a TAP TAP TAP on the windae.
Fuckin Polis. Boys in Fuckin Blue. Turns oot they’d been at a flat across the road cause there was a complaint aboot the noise, some fuckin students havin a party or somethin. Ah never seen their car cause they’d parked roond the corner, probably couldnae get a space, it’s fuckin murder roond there. So just as they were walkin oot fae this party, they clock me across the street wih ma fuckin cock in ma hands. Ah was that right intae ma wank, Ah didnae even hear the fuckin close door shut, so here’s me wih ma dribblin knob hangin oot ma troosers an spunk all over the steerin wheel an ma hands, P. C. Plod shinin the fuckin torch in tae get a good fuckin look. So Ah thought Ah’d try an ease the situation wih a bit ay humour, ye know, so Ah says wih a smile, Can Ah help ye, Officer?
Cunt didnae find that very funny mind you.
Aye, Indecent Exposure, but that’s no the worst ay it, wait till ye hear this—that fuckin wee cow had minded the Taxi number an phoned the Polis tae complain aboot me askin her tae dae things in the back ay the taxi. Inappropriate Behaviour ma boss called it. She doesnae fuckin tell them Ah took her up the road, does she? Naw, an she’ll no tell them that she was fuckin right intae it an her fanny was fuckin drippin, will she? Fuckin steamin bitch, she seemed quite fuckin happy at the time, Ah can assure ye that. Ah mean it’s no as if Ah’m some sort ay fuckin rapist, is it? For fuck’s sake.
So ma lawyer reckons Ah’ll lose ma Taxi Licence for definite, an maybe Ah’ll get fined or get Community Service, but Ah shouldnae get prison, fingers crossed. But what Ah’m really worried aboot is what if Ah get put on the Sex Offenders Register? That’ll be me double fucked. Once yer on that, that’s you—Ah’ll no be able tae live anywhere withoot gettin ma windaes panned or ma heed kicked in an the fuckin rest ay it. Doesnae matter what ye’ve done, these cunts’ll no ask questions, Ah’ll be a pervert an that’ll be it. Gary Glitter, Jonathan King, Michael Fuckin Jackson, Yours Truly. Ah mean Ah was only havin a wank for fuck’s sake!
Anyway, mate, just let me off here. That’s fine, aye. Wish me luck, Ah’ll fuckin need it!
There ye go, keep the change.
See ye later.
Copyright © 2008 by Aidan Moffat
Taxi Drivers Are Wankers
