The Guide to Every Shitty 420 You're Guaranteed to Have

It’s 420, baby, and you know what that means: time to call in sick to work and call the green doctor. April 20th is one of the best days of the year because, well, weed rules. But on the other hand, 420 can kind of be like New Year’s Eve in the fact that it’s amateur hour, and you’ll be surrounded by a bunch of dinguses who don’t know which end of the joint to smoke. Unfortunately, there’s a strong chance you’ll end up in one of the following situations.

The One Where You Want to Ironically Go to a Cypress Hill and Slightly Stoopid Joint Concert and Like Buddy We Get It You Like Weed But Come On Just Stay Home and Watch Planet Earth
We get it. We all have that cousin who lived out west in Colorado or Utah or “near Tahoe” (whatever the fuck that is) and they spent a few years as a ski bum, living off ski lessons and graham crackers, smoking pot. They sent you a mix CD when you were 11 that had a shitload of “funky” Slightly Stoopid songs on it, and made you believe Cypress Hill was the GOAT rap group. It’s not the 90s anymore, yet you somehow stumbled across this joint concert taking place at the venue down the street, and since nostalgia is so in right now, you think it’d be funny to bring your pals and get stoopid. This is the worst idea you’ve ever had.

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The Where Where Everyone Knows You’re High and You’re 100 Percent Stuck That Way Forever
Fuck. You knew you shouldn’t have eaten that entire brownie. That was two hours ago, shouldn’t it be wearing off by now? Everyone else at this party seems fine. You’re definitely laughing too loud at people’s jokes. Oh god, they’re staring. Everyone knows you’re high. There’s no such thing as a weed allergy right? But how can they really know—like, what if you’re the exception? What if you’re the one person in the world who’s allergic to weed, and you broke your brain, and now you’re stuck this way forever? You excuse yourself to the bathroom so you can Google “weed overdose” on your phone, and find a story on Yahoo Answers about a kid who smoked too much weed and jumped out his window and died. Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck. You knew it. What are your parents gonna think? God, your poor mother. Now you’re sweating. Ok, calm down. Find your friends. You spend ten minutes trying to explain the application potential of the Domino’s Pizza Tracker before falling asleep in a closet.

The One Where Your Friend Shows You How to Roll a Cross Joint
You’ve taken your weed smoking to a whole new level, but you’re a fucking nerd who watched Pineapple Express one too many times.

The One Where Fucking Brian Won’t Shut the Fuck Up About J. Cole
It’s pretty incredible that Brian is still talking about this. How many times do you have to have this stupid argument with this guy? He keeps going in circles, talking about the lack of features, quoting memes, and continually just saying some other dumb Brian shit. Like, bruh, we get it. You’re 19 and you like J. Cole, because you think he’s bringing real rap back, the way it should be, those good old days, like it was in the 90s, the best time to be alive, a time during which you definitely were alive and of which you definitely have strong memories.

The One Where Your Friend Decides That This Is the Day They’re Going to Smoke Weed for the First Time
Oh great. Gabe finally decides he’s going to smoke weed for the first time and he chooses the holidays of all holidays to do so. “I’ll only take a puff or two,” he says as you’re rolling the joint. “No, that’s too much weed, not so much, add some tobacco.” Then he takes a hit and pukes, because dude doesn’t smoke cigarettes either.

The One Where You Accidentally Have Sex with Your Friend Because Weed Makes You Horny But Weed Also Makes You Lazy and That Person Is Just There
Who doesn’t love a good fuck? We’re not saying this sexual episode is a bad thing; this just might be one of those things you regret the next morning because your friend is definitely not as attractive as you thought when you were lit off that Gorilla Glue.

The One Where Judy Won’t Stop Talking About How Marijuana Should Be Legalized
Don’t get me wrong, weed should be legal. But seriously, if you’re sitting around smoking a joint with your pals, is that really the audience you needs convincing that weed should be legal? Seriously? Yeah, we know it helps with joint pain, anxiety, nausea, depression, epilepsy, addiction, ADHD, muscle spasms, and more. I mean, we’re smoking it! Just shut up and can we please just listen to Radiohead instead.

The One Where You Watch Too Many Fast & Furious Movies
It’s hard to imagine a world in which watching cars drive extremely fast next to like 17 different explosions would be a bad thing, but sometimes when the weed is extremely loud, the last thing you want to do is feel like you’re driving a weirdly and unexplained tank down a highway at 120 MPH.

The One Where Your Buddy Gives You a 100mg Weed Gummy But Says It’s Only 5mg So You End Up in Bed with the Covers Over Your Head at Like 3 O’Clock in the Afternoon
What a prank. Truly a classic move to make your idiot pal who talks about how good they are at smoking weed feel all Maureen Dowd’d out.

The One Where Your Idiot Friend Gets So High They Call 911
Man, fucking Jamie. Every time you smoke weed this happens. Dude says it’s not going to happen, but then, of course, it happens. You pass the J. He hits it once. You hit it. He hits it again. You hit it again. At this point he’s standing up and walking out the door. You follow him. He’s yelling. You don’t know about what. You’re trying to calm him down. Now you’re on the street. He’s still yelling. You’re still trying to calm him down. Now he’s on his phone. You’re trying to stop him. “Jamie, you’re not dying,” you say. Then you hear it: “Hello this is 911, what is your emergency?” Fucking Jamie.

The One Where Your Friend Who Doesn’t Smoke Weed Is There and Keeps Asking What It’s Like to Be Stoned
There’s nothing worse than trying to describe what it’s like to be high, except trying to describe what it’s like to be high to someone who has never smoked weed. Pal, just take a hit. Two things will happen: 1) You’ll get stoned. 2) You’ll know what it’s like to be stoned and can shut the hell up.

The One Where You Spend the Entire Day in Taco Bell for the Purposes of Journalism Because You’re a Stupid Internet Writer and Thought Your Career Would Be Farther Along by Now Honestly
It was a good story though.

The One Where You Spent Too Much Money the Previous Weekend and Don’t Have Enough Cash to Buy Weed
Look, we get it. Saturday was fun! You woke up at a reasonable time, didn’t feel too hungover (somehow), texted your group chat, met a few friends for brunch, had the prix fixe, got another mimosa because what the hell, ordered dessert (you just got paid!), headed out into the world to find yourself at another bar with a “nice backyard,” sipping on cocktails, hours go by, more margaritas, sun setting, changing bars, a round here and a round there, nighttime now, shots shots shots, another round, a guy is called, more shots shots shots, bar closing, after hours at yours!, picking up one too many six-packs, your buddy’s sleeping on the couch, sun’s rising, deli sandwich, sleep.

The One Where Your Friend Insists on Putting on Steppenwolf and Won’t Shut the Fuck Up About It
Nobody likes this band, Josh, and nobody gives a shit about the memories you have with your dad.

The One Where You Get Too High and Watch Anti-Capitalism Docs so Now You’re Home Making Potatoes Because You Can’t Bring Yourself to Support Another Fast Food Chain
You promised yourself that you would take life more seriously. Read more books, watch MSNBC, follow Roland Martin on Twitter. Things are getting too crazy out here to just sit back and be uninformed about crucial shit. So you hit the documentary tab on Netflix and see something with dollar signs, a bald eagle, and green Matrix-like digits on the movie art. Seventy-three minutes later you can’t leave your house. Subway is the only thing open and their owner’s great great grandad was tied to the Spanish Inquisition. They won’t get any more of your dollars.

The One Where Your Friend Vapes
Just smoke a joint like an adult.

The One Where Weed Infused Chicken Wings Sounds Like a Good Idea Until You Eat a Two-Piece and Lose the Desire to Walk
You usually take it easy when it comes to edibles. Weed ain’t legal where you live and there’s no telling the THC levels in your co-worker’s cousin’s friend’s magic brownies. You were high for 13 hours the last time and threw up four times within that time frame. But it’s 420 and you get invited to a nice grown and sexy weed party. The fruit is infused, the wine, the cheese, the maple barbecue wings. Wait…maple, barbecue. Fuck it. Just taste them.

The One Where You Get Stoned and Just Watch Your Pet Do Pet Stuff
There are so many great things when it comes to owning a pet. For example, watching a pet run around the living room, checking out that corner of the apartment that maybe hasn’t ever been sniffed before (or at least for a few days). If you make a noise, the pet will react, somehow, whether that’s running away or running towards you. Sometimes, the pet will jump on your lap. Other times, the pet will jump over your lap. There are moments your pet might be in the other room and hear you open a bag of chips, and come bounding into your room. There are other times your pet will be asleep on the pet’s pillow, dreaming pet dreams about other pet stuff. Really, when it comes to pet stuff, it’s really anyone’s guess.

The One Where You Buy Three Sets of Twinkle Lights from Urban Outfitters Because the Lighting in Your Room Is too Harsh
This shit cost you like 30 more bucks than if you just went to the hardware store down the street.

The One Where You Take Such a Big Bong Rip You Puke
You’re hanging out at a friend’s apartment, and you’ve got people passing all manner of weed smoking apparatuses around you, and you’re already profoundly high, when a comically large bong comes your way. I’m too high for this, you think, I can’t handle a bong rip. But, again, you are ferociously stoned and the pressure of needing to puff puff pass is getting to be too much. So you say fuck it, and you suck down the biggest bong rip that you’ve ever inhaled. You cough. You cough and you cough and you cough. And that coughing quickly turns to nausea and the next thing you know you are flinging chairs out of your way to bolt to the bathroom where you boot. You boot and you boot and you boot. Because you, my friend, just got so high you puked. It happens to everyone once.

The One Where You Take Such a Big Bong Rip That You Pass Out In
Same scenario as above, with a slightly different outcome.

The One Where You’re Too Broke To Buy Weed So You Scroll Through Wiz Khalifa’s Twitter Account Instead