The theme of the premiere of Jersey Shore Family Vacation was change. Five years have passed since we’ve seen our favorite guidos—Mike “The Situation,” Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi, JWoww, Deena, Pauly D, Vinny, and Ronnie—all under the same roof. “The Situation” is sober. Ronnie’s about to be a father. Snooki and JWoww have children, all of whom, judging by their introductions, like to jump on their parents’ mattresses. Pauly D, uh, has a white Lambo adorned with a license plate bearing his name. (Sammi, who isn’t participating in the show and stayed at home in Jersey, has been replaced by a sex doll.)
They’re grown up. They’ve learned some lessons. They’ve changed.
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There are other stabs at maturity, too. In the two-part, almost two-hour-long episode, their vacation home this time around isn’t a bungalow in Seaside, but instead a Michael Corleone–esque compound in Miami’s South Beach. No one needs to fight over what bedroom to take anymore, and there are few moments of what you’d call high drama. The (literal) knock down, drag out fights of yesteryear have been replaced by… Snooki being mortified that ants have gathered on some pizza left outside. And… Ronnie clogging the toilet.
But the crew hasn’t gone from wild to completely mild just yet. And despite each cast member’s frequent and exhausting declarations of how much they’ve changed since last we’ve seen them, there’s little real evidence they have. The truth of each cast member’s self-proclaimed metamorphosis, like the waters of the Jersey Shore itself, is not clear. As such, we combed through all 120 minutes of the premiere Jersey Shore reunion episodes and meticulously noted each instance a cast member said they (or a fellow cast member) has changed, and then exhibited some behavior that proves they actually kinda sorta didn’t. You can find them below, with time stamps.
Ronnie
“Things have changed, but they really haven’t changed.” [Episode I, 00:30]
Mike: “[Ronnie]’s a mess, his life is a mess, and something’s gotta change.” [Episode II, 27:20]
Vinny
“There is a change. I have a girlfriend.” [Episode I, 4:20]
Vinny’s mom, it is revealed, still does his laundry. [Episode I, 4:31]
“She’s exactly the same.” [Episode I, 4:43]
“Since the last time you saw me at the Shore, I am a completely different person than I was. I’m super into nutrition and the way I eat.” [Episode I, 10:10]
“I’m working out now, trying to get abs. I feel the best I’ve ever felt—mentally, physically, spiritually, emotionally, everything…” [Episode I, 10:23]
“Everyone’s dance moves are exactly the same.” [Episode I, 38:30]
“I’m looking around and realizing we’re not these wiser, more mature people. We’re still the same shit show that was around five years ago.” [Episode II, 1:35]
Deena
“I’m a little classier, but I’m still a meatball.” [Episode I, 5:14]
Mike “The Situation”
“Not much has changed.” [Episode I, 1:24]
“‘The Situation’ is under construction.” [Episode I, 2:00]
Vinny: “I hear ‘The Situation’ is under construction. [Episode I, 10:16]
“‘The Situation’ is under construction.” [Episode I, 10:17]
Vinny: “You look great, bro. You’re like a new person… I know you’re all into bettering yourself. We used to just look at the outside of ‘The Situation,’ now we’re looking at the inside.” [Episode I, 10:29]
“Today ‘The Situation’ lives with integrity. I don’t lie. I don’t cheat. I don’t steal. I don’t drink. I don’t do drugs.” (Episode 1, 10:44)
“The Situation” explains to Vinny why he might do years of jail time for tax evasion. [Episode I, 10:50]
Vinny: “[Mike]’s in the best place of his life. He totally changed his life around.” [Episode I, 11:30]
Pauly D: “Mike’s all different now.” [Episode I, 14:15]
Ronnie: “I hope [Mike] stays sober. I’m not going to lie. But I kind of want to see him be a dick.” [Episode I, 14:20]
Deena: “The old Mike fucking sucked. But this Mike is just amazing. He really is like born again—and I mean not come out of the vagina born again, like a baby born again, but I mean, like, he’s a new soul… I love this Mike.” [Episode II, 21:35]
Mike explains to Snooki and Deena that he no longer smokes cigarettes. [Episode II, 27:45]
Vinny: “You’re an inspiration to all of us.” [Episode II, 32:00]
Snooki: “Mike, you were like my best friend, and then we totally fell off… We were like fighting. We hated each other. I couldn’t even stand to look at you, and then all of a sudden you were Mike again.” [Episode II, 32:18]
JWoww: “There was a point where I actually punched you in your face… but at the end of the day I could not be more proud to call Michael Sorrentino my friend.” [Episode II: 32:42]
Ronnie: “So, Mike… You’re in a great place, and I respect where you’ve gotten to. But we have had more downs than ups, that’s for sure… Since day one, we’ve gone at it, we’ve had issues with each other. Fighting. Yelling. Screaming. I didn’t like you… You know, you were not a good person. You were not the person I met when you first walked into the house. you became something I didn’t want to be around, I didn’t want to associate myself with… But after seeing you the last couple months, and talking to you, I respect where you’ve gotten to and the strength that you have. Very inspirational, bro.” [Episode II, 33:03]**
JWoww
“A lot has changed.” [Episode I, 2:45]
“We all grew up, sort of.” [Episode I, 7:30]
Snooki
“Keep your titty out,” Snooki, to JWoww. [Episode I, 7:32]
Deena: “Motherhood has definitely not slowed Nicole down. I don’t think Nicole will ever slow down.” [Episode I, 12:20]
Snooki FaceTimes Mike and begins screaming inside a restaurant. [Episode I, 13:00]
“I can’t eat pickles like I used to.” [Episode I, 28:25]
“I want to be like Mike, but that’s never going to happen. I love my alcohol too much.” [Episode II, 28:30]
Pauly D
“I’m the number one guido. And I still am. I’m killing it. And never fell off.” [Episode I, 3:10]
“Now everyone’s in a different place in their life.” [Episode I, 14:10]
JWoww: “You look like you haven’t aged ever.” [Episode I, 22:50]
“Some things just don’t change,” Pauly, after Snooki pisses in a pool. [Episode II, 3:25]
**Wow, really seems like Mike has changed. So inspirational, bro.
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