The Life and Times of Tom Delonge, the Man Who Confessed His Sexual Feelings Toward a Dog

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So it happened. The bitter-end blink-182 fans have anticipated since the band got back together in 2009 for “the fans” (read: never ending tour; one album in six years; mortgage) took place last night, when the band put out a press release stating ephemeral pet-lover Tom Delonge had quit the band. Then he hadn’t. Then he had. It was all a bit confusing.

The truth is: he’s definitely out. (We have a bunch of suggestions for who should take his place.) Mark Hoppus and Travis Barker—the two willowing members of pop-punk’s crown jewel—gave an interview to Rolling Stone yesterday evening and stated: “It’s hard to cover for someone who’s disrespectful and ungrateful…To say, ‘I didn’t quit the band’ is just not true. It’s disingenuous.”

Of course, the news upset a lot of blink-182 fans. Tom Delonge’s drawn out vocals, toilet humor, and resemblance to a distant relative of Will Ferrell had always been the backbone of the band. One tweet read: “personally victimized by Tom Delonge.”

But has it really taken people this long to realize he’s an idiot? I mean, I guess it’s because he’s like, not a stoned, drunk, punk kid anymore. He’s 39-years old. When you’re young and look like an innocent, bright-faced hunk, it’s easy to get away with things. However, Tom Delonge, even before he was Tom DeGone, has been an infantile, untrustworthy poop-stamp on the music industry. Let’s take a look at why.

Exhibit A: He’s misguided

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In November, 2014, a criminal injustice spewed out of Tom Delonge’s mouth. “Condoning streaming is like condoning the Chinese that are killing elephants for their tusks and carving ivory statues,” he said. “It’s cool to put on your shelf but if you really think about what you’re doing it sucks”.

I don’t know what it’s like in Tom Delonge world but here, on earth, where 100,000 elephants have been killed by poachers in three years, streaming music exists in the cloud, harming no one, with no recorded casualties on record. I mean, I guess it kinda sucks for Tom that the last Angel & Airwaves record sold 19,088 copies in its first week, rather than the 15 million total sales earned by Enema of the State, but I’m sure he’s rich enough.

Note: that Angel and Airwaves record streamed on Rolling Stone in full.

Exhibit B: Angels & Airwaves

After blink-182 split for the first time in 2005, Tom Delonge formed said new band: Angels & Airwaves. Obviously the name sounds like the weakly exhaled dry-fart of space-cadet poetry, but it’s the things associated with the band that really highlight Tom Delonge’s douchebaggery. Statements like:

On the band: “This band contains an inner energy and a spiritual awakening that’s kind of magical.”

On the band’s shows: “It really feels like an ascension to heaven. People are lifting off the ground.”

On the band’s debut album: “This is the best music made in decades” / “I am two songs from finishing the best fucking album anybody has heard in 20 years” / “I am preparing the greatest rock and roll revolution for this generation.”

There’s something about Tom Delonge that really taps into a higher level of self-aggrandizement, light-years beyond Kanye West. Because where Yeezy’s music is at least objectively great, Angel & Airwaves are a conceptual project on mediocrity and how much you can get fans to spend through an “exclusive” fan club.

Exhibit C: Lots of 23-year-olds are actually popular

Leonardo DiCaprio, Will Smith, Helen Keller, Seth Cohen, they’ve all been popular at the age of 23. This is an incredibly misguided statement and probably only true if you’re an asshole.

Exhibit D: The content of his songs

If there’s been one great signifier that the content drawled out of Tom Delooooooooonges mouth isn’t to be trusted, it’s the content of his band’s songs. So far they’ve written one about fucking a dog, one about fucking his grandpa, one about a guy who fucks his sister, and one that simply rhymes “shit piss fuck cunt cocksucker motherfucker tits fart turd and twat” over and over again.

That sort of thing was funny at the age of 14 when most teenage boys believed the epitome of cool was steakandcheese dot com and talking incessantly about the peen, but Tom Delonge wasn’t even 14 when he wrote those songs: “Fuck a Dog” was written when he was 26. Now, I’m only 22-years-old but yo, all my 26-year-olds out there, would you take another 26-year-old man seriously when he’s written a song about fucking a dog in the ass? I’m pretty sure they’re the sort of people you cut out after losing your virginity.

Exhibit E: This quote

In an interview with Kerrang, Tom Delonge was asked: “who’s your hero of the year?”

He replied: “U2’s Bono. I think he is amazing and he continues to defy the gravity of what a rock star can do.”

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You can find Ryan Bassil on Twitter.