Fast food is blood to me. And I don’t mean that because I eat it often— I mean it populates my mind and flows through my veins. Sometimes I can be ultraproductive for a whole week by telling myself that if I make it through and finish all of my work, I will reward myself by eating shit. My carrot on a stick is a dripping Big Mac is what I’m saying. Some of my most powerful emotions have been procured in the drive-throughs of the dozens upon dozens of butthole food options America has bequeathed its hungry citizens. Sometimes even just driving down the road feels like a Death Olympics, where at any point you could pull over and upload a couple thousand calories into your face.
After spending several days sprawled out watching men on TV throw a ball at a hole in an effort not to get eliminated from some competition, I decided to subject the butt buffets of America to a similar competition. I seeded 64 of our most popular corporate fast food establishments from one to 16, based primarily on sales stats, then went to business facing the fuckers off based on what my body likes. Below are the results.
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LARD REGION
1. McDonald’s 16. Denny’s
8. Del Taco 9. White Castle
5. Dairy Queen 12. Krystal
4. Chipotle 13. Manchu Wok
6. Five Guys 11. Baskin-Robbins
3. Domino’s Pizza 14. Miami Subs
7. Church’s Chicken 10. Qdoba
2. Pizza Hut 15. Smoothie King
Activity:
McDonald’s is hosted by a clown and their only item that isn’t shitted up are the french fries; Denny’s gives you actual silverware, so fuck Denny’s: McDonald’s.
In elementary school my mom would take us to Del Taco, and all I remember is the refried beans, how you could almost drink them; White Castle is piss: Del Taco.
Krystal is only OK to eat if you’re so drunk you won’t remember anything the next morning besides the smell; Dairy Queen dunks shit in chocolate up to your wrist: DQ.
For some reason the first thing I think of when I hear the word Chipotle is a bunch of white senators ejaculating on a window: Manchu Wok.
You shouldn’t go to Five Guys unless you plan to do nothing for the rest of the day; you could probably feed a family of five with a bag of medium fries from here: Five Guys.
Miami Subs is named after Miami, that’s a horrible thing to do to food: Domino’s.
I think every time I’ve been in a Qdoba, literally every single trashcan was flooding over and the guys behind the counter were staring at me like they’d been tased: Church’s.
Pizza Hut. It’s a hut where you go to get pizza. What else do you want? Meanwhile, Smoothie King smells like a pediatrician’s office: Pizza Hut.
BEEF REGION
1. Taco Bell 16. Kenny Rogers Roasters
8. Steak ‘n Shake 9. Boston Market
5. Hardee’s 12. Bojangles’
4. Papa John’s 13. Moe’s
6. Carl’s Jr. 11. Sbarro
3. Arby’s 14. Jersey Mike’s
7. Zaxby’s 10. Krispy Kreme
2. KFC 15. The Varsity
Activity:
I have probably been saved from blood-alcohol poisoning by Taco Bell at least a baker’s dozen times; Kenny Roger’s sings country music: Taco Bell.
I have seen a guy puke on a table at Steak ‘n Shake, and the puke stayed on the table until we left; Boston Market’s initials are BM: Boston Market.
Hardee’s is where I imagined my body being buried if I had died as an XXL boy in eighth grade; and I don’t even like breakfast, but I would drink a Bojangles’ biscuit through an IV. This is a tough one but: Bojangles’.
At Moe’s, they yell their name at you when you walk in the door; fuck Moe’s: Papa John’s.
Have you ever looked at a nutritional chart for the food at Sbarro? LARD: Sbarro.
I can’t think of anything I’d rather ingest less than something made by a guy named Jersey Mike: Arby’s.
You can smell the grease from Zaxby’s for at least a 50-yard radius, like it’s trying to liquefy the rest of the world in its juices; plus the chicken is fucking good: Zaxby’s.
KFC kind of tastes like sadness. It’s still fried sadness, but sadness all the same. The mashed potatoes and gravy here remind me of being sick in middle school: The Varsity.
XXL REGION
1. Burger King 16. Taco Cabana
8. Long John Silver’s 9. Jason’s Deli
5. Popeyes 12. Nathan’s Famous
4. Panera Bread 13. Schlotzsky’s
6. Little Caesar’s 11. Captain D’s
3. Chick-fil-A 14. Orange Julius
7. Jimmy John’s 10. CiCi’s Pizza
2. Subway 15. Jamba Juice
Activity:
Feeding children the fake smoked-beef beatdown Burger King calls a hamburger is almost as bad as feeding them the chicken puffs here: Taco Cabana.
Literally fuck Jason’s Deli; like, build a huge ceramic dick and pound the windows in, just for being founded or whatever by a dude named Jason: Long John Silver’s.
There’s a reason shifty-eyed people hang around outside Popeyes like it’s about to cave in: Popeyes.
Is all the bread they serve at Panera moist, or is it just my hands crying as I feed myself? Schlotzsky’s hot sauce wins by default: Schlotzsky’s.
Little Caesar’s is kind of puke on cardboard, but when that’s what I want, that’s what I want; if Captain D’s actually had a captain at the door greeting you, I’d let them win: Little Caesar’s.
At Chick-fil-A, the workers are forced to respond to all requests with “my pleasure” no matter how much of a dick you’re being; plus it’s just delicious: Chick-fil-A.
CiCi’s seems like the product of an 8-year-old’s imagination, like food somehow drawn in crayon, but they win simply due to all-you-can-eat: CiCi’s.
I kind of want to eliminate both of these fuckboys at the same time, but at least Subway has Jared: Subway.
ROUGHAGE REGION
1. Wendy’s 16. Charley’s Grilled Subs
8. Checkers/Rally’s 9. El Pollo Loco
5. Panda Express 12. Firehouse Subs
4. Jack In The Box 13. Blimpie
6. Whataburger 11. Einstein Bros Bagels
3. Sonic 14. A&W
7. Quiznos 10. In-N-Out Burger
2. Dunkin’ Donuts 15. Mrs. Winner’s
Activity:
Is this the same Charley I went to high school with who never took off his backpack and always ran through the halls screaming? Wendy’s.
El Pollo Loco actually tastes too much like real, decent food to me; NOT COOL, GUYS: Checkers.
For some reason, there are always a dozen bros behind the counter at Firehouse, just hanging out, staring at you, like some kind of fast food gang bang waiting to happen: Panda Express.
Blimpie makes me think of an astronaut getting a blowjob: Jack In The Box.
Bagels? Whataburger.
A&W has the float things or whatever, but other than that, do they have food? They probably have food, but at Sonic you can get fried cheese sticks on your shit. I like food you can upgrade: Sonic.
I hate how many people have to tell you how good In-N-Out Burger really is. It’s a goddamn fast food hamburger, with slightly better lettuce and tomatoes that are actually red. Don’t tell me how good things are when I’m at a drive-through. On principle: Quiznos.
Sometimes, I dream I work at Mrs. Winner’s and every time someone places an order I just scarf down whatever they ask for, and when they get to the window, I pretend we’re closed: Mrs. Winner’s.
LARD REGION – ROUND 2
1. McDonald’s 8. Del Taco
5. Dairy Queen 13. Manchu Wok
6. Five Guys 3. Domino’s Pizza
7. Church’s 2. Pizza Hut
Activity:
Hmm, chemical burgers marketed toward children or Mexican food?: Del Taco.
At Dairy Queen, you get served by juggalos who actually eat the ice cream when they get off work, and Manchu Wok has too many fucking choices. No more choices! DQ.
After I eat at Five Guys, I feel like I’ve been stabbed; after Domino’s I feel like I’ve been shat inside of: Five Guys.
Pizza is God’s skin: Pizza Hut.
BEEF REGION – ROUND 2
1. Taco Bell 9. Boston Market
12. Bojangles’ 4. Papa John’s
11. Sbarro 3. Arby’s
7. Zaxby’s 15. The Varsity
I love feeling like I’m shitting the food out at the same time as I’m eating it. No, really: Taco Bell.
The face of the founder of Papa John’s makes me want to scalp myself: Bojangles’.
To eat at Sbarro, you usually have to be either at an airport or the mall: Arby’s.
There are only two The Varsity restaurants that I know of in America; minimalism is not American: Zaxby’s.
XXL REGION – ROUND 2
16. Taco Cabana 8. Long John Silver’s
5. Popeyes 13. Schlotzsky’s
6. Little Caesar’s 3. Chick-fil-A
10. CiCi’s Pizza 2. Subway
Why do so many fast food restaurants have allusions to penises in their names? Taco Cabana.
Little hammy sandwiches versus fried-ass fucking chicken? Popeyes.
Sometimes after I’m done eating at Chick-fil-A, I’ll just sit there licking the sauces out of the plastic cups with nothing else: Chick-fil-A.
Seriously, it’s hardly even fast food when your main ad campaign is about losing weight; Subway should be ashamed of itself: CiCi’s Pizza.
ROUGHAGE REGION – ROUND 2
1. Wendy’s 8. Checkers/Rally’s
5. Panda Express 4. Jack In The Box
6. Whataburger 3. Sonic
7. Quiznos 15. Mrs. Winner’s
I don’t know why the red in the logo of Checkers reminds me of sweaty porn dudes with facial sunburns getting ready to launch: Wendy’s.
I like the Panda Express logo and how everything tastes like salt: Panda Express.
Sonic has all them dranks, you know what I mean? Blue dranks and green dranks. And the waitresses wear roller skates: Sonic.
We should get all of the CEOs of sandwich-chain corporations in one room and force them to take pictures rubbing one another’s butts; chicken kills sandwich: Mrs. Winner’s.
SWEET 16
8. Del Taco 5. Dairy Queen
6. Five Guys 2. Pizza Hut
1. Taco Bell 12. Bojangles’
3. Arby’s 7. Zaxby’s
16. Taco Cabana 5. Popeyes
3. Chick-fil-A 10. CiCi’s Pizza
1. Wendy’s 5. Panda Express
3. Sonic 15. Mrs. Winner’s
Activity:
DQ crushes Del Taco’s dick in a freezer door; Pizza Hut surrounds Five Guys employees with their cars and turns up Korn until they can’t find the fryer traps; Taco Bell infects Bojangles’ water supply with Fire Sauce and airborne herpes; Arby’s buttbeats Zaxby’s with their unending reams of ass-colored double meat; Taco Cabana can’t stand up from the death sweats you get just driving past a Popeyes; Chick-fil-A CEO Truett Cathy begs God to kill anyone with a rattail, eliminating CiCi’s workforce instantaneously; Wendy’s reopens the nacho/chili/potato buffet they had in the 90s and whops Panda Express in the breasts; Mrs. Winner’s passes out in the grease trap from neglect leaving the refs with no choice but to pat Sonic on the ass.
ELITE 8
5. Dairy Queen 2. Pizza Hut
1. Taco Bell 3. Arby’s
5. Popeyes 3. Chick-fil-A
1. Wendy’s 3. Sonic
Activity:
Pizza Hut‘s pizza butt squirts all over DQ’s blizzard universe after a street shortage of meth; a sick endurance match ends at last as Taco Bell’s beef boys shit themselves all together at half court and have to be carried off in white rape vans, conceding to Arby’s; the churches donate millions in worship money to pay off the refs so Chick-fil-A can represent the lord’s light everlasting; the thought of what percentage of Americans’ bodies are made of Wendy’s brings her competitor to their knees.
FINAL 4
2. Pizza Hut 3. Arby’s
3. Chick-fil-A 1. Wendy’s
Activity:
There’s just something too beautiful about the word Arby’s when it comes to ingesting lard. An Arby seems like a kind of language lard all by itself. Arby’s is a universe, their food is body; while Pizza Hut is merely a doorway: Arby’s.
Wendy’s may have cool burgers, but they honestly kind of lost me when they got rid of those self-serve SuperBar stations in the 90s. I’m never getting over that very evident mistake that spit in the face of America’s want to gorge. They may be run by an elderly dickjob, but Chick-fil-A’s food just tastes more like what I want inside my face: Chick-fil-A.
CHAMPIONSHIP
3. Arby’s 3. Chick-fil-A
Activity:
Ho, please. Neon orange cheese and au jus dip and white Horsey sauce vats and burgundy glue and milkshakes thicker than your forehead and beef and beef and beef? No contest.
WINNER: Arby’s
Previously by Blake Butler – Scot McClanahan’s Animal Magnetism
This article originally appeared on MUNCHIES in March 2013.
