Pope Francis—who did not open five portals open five portals to other worlds this Christmas—recently named the first woman, an Italian nun, to head a major Vatican office. Sister Simona Brambilla is set to become the prefect of the department responsible for all the church’s religious orders. Pretty cool, pretty progressive. That appointment happened around the same time he told nuns to smile more—less cool, less progressive.
Speaking with a group of Dominican nuns, Pope Francis condemned those who sport what he calls “vinegar faces,” The Times reported. This man straight-up hates encountering grimacing nuns. You can keep your old-school stone-faced Irish Catholic nun. The Pope wants nuns with “affability” and “common decency.”
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“Sometimes in my life I have met nuns with a vinegar face and that’s not friendly,” said Pope Francis, presumably on his YouTube channel sandwiched between a complaint about the Wokeness of Disney and an ad for an erectile dysfunction pill.
“That’s not something that helps to attract people. Vinegar is nasty and nuns with a vinegar face, let’s not even talk about it,” he continued, I assume before talking about it for another 45 minutes.
If you think the 88-year-old Pope stopped at complaining about women’s looks, you’re dead wrong, of course, because he went on to urge nuns to avoid gossip, which he acknowledged is difficult for women since not gossiping would take a “heroic” effort on their part.
This guy’s doing a standup routine that would’ve killed at the Chattanooga Chuckle Hut in 1988. He probably did a bump of coke as soon as he got off stage and screamed at a waitress for turning down his sexual advances, punctuating the sad display of masculinity with an impotent “Do you know who I am?! I’m the fucker who just killed at the Chattanooga Chuckle Hut!”
Pope Francis went on to lament the declining number of women joining the Church’s ranks, after which every nun listening no doubt thought in unison, “Gee, I wonder why?!”
