The Pros and Cons of Scotland Joining Canada

Photo illustration by Devin Pacholik

Almost nothing warms my heart like separatism. My spirits are buoyed by the Catalans and the Kurds and I wake up and kiss a portrait of René Lévesque every morning. Splitting up a state along ethno-cultural lines may or may not make any logistical sense and the resulting chaos might destroy the economy and kill thousands of people and ultimately end up in a fascist nightmare because nationalism is cancerous as an organizing principle in politics, but the romance of the dream really pulls on my heartstrings.

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Naturally I was disappointed when Scotland’s first referendum on independence went tits up in 2014. But I’m happy that Scotland is going to jump straight into round two amidst the post-Brexit clusterfuck that is the United Kingdom right now. Irony warms my heart most of all and it would be truly delightful if the UK’s ghostly fever dream of Empire is what causes it to implode. (2017 is easy if you embrace the madness.)

But! What if Canada could step in and restore order to the British isles by offering to make Scotland its 11th province? This is a real argument that author Ken McGoogan recently made in the Globe and Mail. It deserves to have some of its merits very seriously examined. So I have put together a short pros and cons list for Scotland becoming the 11th province.

PROS

• Our extremely sick constitution

All true federalist fanboys and fangirls know that the jewel in the Canadian crown is our constitution. It is the product of sublimely inspired thought by the (largely ethnically Scottish) Fathers of Confederation while they spent the better part of the 1860s wasted out of their minds yelling about railroads. It was then revised in 1982 when several premiers and Prime Minister Pierre Trudeau decided they needed a new way to piss off Quebec. The result is a delicate balance of power between the federal government in Ottawa and ten mostly-incompatible provinces, which are given an extraordinary(-ish) level of control over regional services and resource development.

The big impetus for Scottish independence is that under the UK’s unitary system, Scotland has barely any direct control over Scottish affairs compared to your bog-standard Canadian province. But if we offered them provincial status, they could have all the autonomy they want while still enjoying the benefits of a gently paternalist federal government. Just don’t tell them that the constitution actually stipulates that their offshore oil resources are technically federal jurisdiction and they’ll be fine. Probably. It worked for Newfoundland.

• More sweet equalization $$$

Scottish nationalists argue all the time that their country is rich enough to make it on its own. If that’s the case, then it’s definitely rich enough to help foot the bill for the abyssal money-pit we call Eastern Canada, yeah? Like, it’s literally named “New Scotland,” I think some Celtic generosity is in order.

• Backdoor for Canadian membership in the EU

Scotland’s latest bid for independence was kicked off by the English voting to leave the EU last year while the Scots voted largely to remain. If Scotland joined Canada as a province and then re-applied for membership, they could cut the rest of us in on the deal, and we could all become citizens of a united Europe. This would put us at the heart of one of the most ambitious and probably-not-doomed-but-maybe political/economic projects in human history. It’s a win for everyone: Scotland would be able to humiliate the English, and Canada would finally return to being a European colonial possession again, which, if we’re being honest with ourselves, is the only time this country has ever been happy.

Plus, it also means we would be able to freely travel through continental Europe and finally fuck off from this frigid northern wasteland we’re trying to entice these suck- er, Scots to join.

CONS

• We may actually have to pay equalization to Scotland?

I’m going to be honest here: no one really knows how the equalization formula works. It was designed by wizards in ancient days and its mysteries have been lost to time. The only hope of restoring our understanding is to pray for the prophesized Hero to appear, who will slay the Nightmare Beaver of James Bay and recover the King’s Crest and, with it, our souls. Until then though, depending on Scotland’s financial situation, they could end up on the receiving end of equalization and that seems like more of a strain on the system than anything.

• Another failed nation-state project added to the provincial roster may not be great for our barely-functioning federal system

As far as multinational federations go, Canada is sort of a mess. English Canada still hasn’t really figured out how to deal with having a sub-national French state at the heart of Confederation, and the only thing holding the two together at the moment is everyone being too emotionally drained to take another crack at divorce. Newfoundland and Labrador is a failed country that was unceremoniously annexed by Canada after committing constitutional suicide, and Alberta is increasingly bitter that it was born as a province and never got to take a stab at nationhood at all.

All this, of course, ignores that Canada and all its sub-nations are settler states sitting atop land stolen from hundreds of Indigenous nations that its federal government is either unable or unwilling to reconcile or even recognize in any meaningful way. But yes, by all means, let’s throw another failed national state whose identity is forged out of historical grievance and medieval trauma into the mix, absolutely.

Actually, when you put it that way, Scotland would probably be a perfect fit.

• No real reason why Scots would elect to throw off centuries of the English imperial yoke just to join up with its shitty dimestore stepchild across the ocean that still hasn’t sorted out its weird Oedipal complex with the Queen

Taking Scotland would upset Mother. Sweet, caring, serene, wise Mother. We mustn’t upset Mother—no. Long may she reign.

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