Cyber Monday is terrible. Sure, it’s not as outwardly repulsive as Black Friday—we don’t actually have to see the sad faces of stampeding bloodthirsty consumers, or watch a soccer mom take an elbow to the face. But the entire online world is bombarded with obnoxious email blasts and tweets and full-page ads; the shop-at-all-costs exhortations are shouted directly into our eyeballs.
And, as rational people have pointed out, we don’t need Cyber Monday. There are always good deals on the internet: Ebay still exists, so does Overstock and Craigslist. And pretty soon, the gestating blob that is Black Friday/Cyber Monday weekend will expand to consume all of November anyways—it already ate Thanksgiving this year—and it shan’t stop there. By 2015, the entire calendar year should be a single nonstop Cyber Monday. The deals will be never-ending and unbeatable.
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But for now, while it is still confined to more or less a single day, let us take a tour of the very worst that Cyber Monday has to offer. The very kind of thing this “holiday” has made that much more accessible to the online shopping public. Stuff like:
Overstocked Crap that Wasn’t Selling Anyways
Buy it at a discount, display proudly, and don’t stop believing.
Lame pot merch
For all those consumers out there who feel their clothing should broadcast to the general public the fact that they enjoy marijuana—it’s deal time. While you’re at it, why not drape your infants and kids in pro-weed duds, too.
Stuff Actually Celebrating Cyber Monday
Various Overpriced ’Collector’s Editions’ on Some Nonsensical Iteration of a “Sale”
For those loaded aficionados who already own the original edition, and who might actually find it easier to click ‘buy’ than to manually use $1000 worth of bills as toilet paper.
Just-plain Bizarre Junk
Weird, I suddenly want to buy a cabinet full of animal bones when there’s $20 off the sticker price.
Celebrity Swag.
This, for example, is an item in Jared Leto’s Holiday Shop.
And these are his designer fingerless gloves. Now 20% off.
Thus concludes our brief, dispiriting tour of Cyber Monday, and of online commerce in general. Happy deal-hunting.
