These Insane St. Patrick’s Day Stories Will Convince You to Stay Home Tonight

Like the drunk bros who flock in green hoards to worship at his altar, St. Patrick might have been kind of a douche. Little known fact: those “snakes” he claims to have driven out of Ireland? Yeah, that was a metaphor for his dealings with the druids, a people whose ancient culture he had a hand in demonizing. In what is perhaps the longest-running example of karma coming back to bite someone in the ass, the once-holy commemoration of Ol’ Pat’s life is now nothing more than an excuse for grown men and women to take culturally insensitive Irish Car Bomb shots and wake up in a pile of their own green-tinged vomit.

To honor the revenge of the druids, we talked to some drunk idiots about the dumbest things they’ve ever done on the anniversary of a saint’s death.

Whiskey Lies

When I was in college, I took 11 shots of whiskey at a St. Patrick’s Day fraternity party and told everyone in the room I’d been molested by my priest when I was a kid. This wasn’t true (I’m Jewish), but everyone was sympathetic and gave me more shots to take the pain away, I guess. I have no idea what happened after that, but I came to at 4:30 AM in a playground tube slide down the street that reeked of piss. I hate myself for this story. – Levi, 25

#NotMySenatePresident

My roommate was interning for John Cullerton, the Illinois Senate president, so my friends and I were invited to ride in his trolley during the annual Chicago’s St. Patty’s Day parade. The trolley was full of free beer, and by the time it let us off at the bars, we were pretty wasted. A few hours and more than a couple shots of Jameson later, we found ourselves stumbling back onto the trolley. In our absence, the crowd on the trolley seemed to have shifted from Democratic Party operatives and their partners to a bunch of young rich kids with fake tans. This was weird but fine, until one of the girls in the back began to loudly blow a whistle. I politely slurred at her to shut the fuck up, and she told me it was her trolley and she could do whatever she wanted.

“Oh, it’s your trolley, huh??” I yelled back at her “I’m sorry JOHN CULLERTON, I didn’t recognize you in that slutty green dress.” She had just moseyed up from the back of the trolley to scream into my face, and then one of my friends came up behind her and poured an entire bottle of Rolling Rock on her head. Chaos ensued. As she sobbed hysterically, her muscle-tee’d dude friends swung at us with their giant fists, and I had to drop to the floor to escape being punched in the face by a man literally twice my size. I crawled on my hands and knees toward the front where one of my friends was banging on the door, screaming to the driver to let us out. He stopped and opened the doors in the middle of a busy street, and we scampered off as the trolley crowd threw glass bottles of beer and screamed obscenities at us.

We told everyone at the bar about our daring escape, playing up our heroics. But the next day, I still couldn’t figure out why the fuck those rich kids were on John Cullerton’s trolley in the first place. “They weren’t,” my roommate replied when I asked her. “That was the whistle girl’s birthday trolley.” Apparently, we’d mistaken a random girl’s birthday trolley for our own, crashed her party, insulted her whistling skills, and then poured beer all over her head while making snide remarks about John Cullerton. OOPS! – Caroline, 27

A Real St. Patty’s Day Blow Out!

I gave someone who hated me a blowjob at the St. Patrick’s Day party I was throwing just to see if it would change his mind about hating me, and it did! We never spoke of it again, but the next day, he transformed from being a big bully to being polite, amiable, and genuinely interested in me. The moral here is that blowjobs conquer all. – Rosalina, 28

That’s One Way to Get Home

It was 2011, so Uber wasn’t an option. I took a shot that went down wrong and threw up all over my table at the bar. This got me kicked out, and I was sitting on the sidewalk outside dry heaving when I saw a taxi with its light on drive by on the street in front of me. I jumped up and ran after it, yelling and waving my arms. It stopped, and I hopped in and told the driver my address. I realized the moment I closed the door that I was sitting in the back of a cop car. Lucky for me, the officers were in a good mood. They made fun of me for a few minutes, pretended they were going to drive me to the station, but ended up taking me home instead. Weirdly enough, a friend of mine did the exact same thing a few weeks later but got a pair of less kindly cops and ended up in the drunk tank. – Nora, 29

It Takes Two

I’d been dating a girl, who had a fraternal twin sister, for about two months. They looked alike but not Olsen-twins alike. After spending time hanging out with the two of them, I was starting to develop a crush on my girlfriend’s sister, and I was getting vibes from her that made me think she felt it too. On St. Patrick’s Day, the three of us went to a party together, and my girlfriend got blackout drunk and had to go home early. One thing led to another, and the twin and I got wasted and hooked up. Afterward, I decided to call my girl and leave her a voicemail confessing to everything… with a twist. I told her I’d been so drunk I’d mistaken her sister for her, so it wasn’t really cheating, right? Like I said, these twins are not identical. I didn’t have a girlfriend when I woke up the next morning. – Grant, 30

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