THUMP’s Guide to DJ Haircare and Despair

Jim Morrison once said that, “Some of the worst mistakes in my life were haircuts.” …Or maybe I just read that on Pinterest somewhere. Regardless, those words are worth their weight in styling cream.

Unlike your neighbourhood bar’s deep house night, hair care is not an easy gig. Some people are born with it, others work hard for it, and some wake up every day and say, “ah, that’ll do.” Many DJs take this one step further, devoting as much time to their luscious locks and quintessential quaffs as they do producing. Here at THUMP, we accept each unique follicle as equal and made it our duty to find the best blow dries, dip-dyes and afros for your own future hair-spiration.

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Author’s Note: No, this time Steve Aoki is not included.

THUMP Suggests: L’Oreal Kids Detangling Spray and a PK Sound System blow-out.
So many bass jokes, so little time. But really, who else can better describe Lorin’s hair, than Lorin’s hair itself? For that, we refer to its Twitter account. My personal highlight:

Ignorant people really crimp my style.

February 27, 2013

THUMP Suggests: Knotty Boy Dreadlock Shampoo Bar and a masters degree in BBQ cuisine.
If you couldn’t tell from his Eastern Electric promo video, Seth Troxler gives no fucks. Thus, he spearheads the clan of “that’ll do” hairstyling. Big or small, combed or dreaded, Seth’s hair is as unpredictable as a first-time raver and as impressive as a flaccid cactus.

THUMP Suggests: Garnier Fructis Style Wax and bearing a subtle resemblance to Charmander.
A chameleon of many sorts, Maya has successfully pulled off a variety of hair colours that Demi Levato could only dream of. Often experimenting with her hair like she does her music—perhaps the quaff is a mood ring to her musical diversity. Those bangs are arranged with the utmost care and probably need countless ‘hair flicks’ so to maintain reasonable vision. I have a neck cramp just thinking about it.

THUMP Suggests: Bed Head Blonde Shampoo and a thorough rinse with Japanese Sake.
World renowned techno legend or Jeffree Star‘s distant relative—you be the judge. After his hairstylist threw in the neck-towel on combing out a stubborn cowlick, the gravity-defying sideswipe was born. Maybe. But let us pause to remember moment of silence for the hordes of hairspray bottles drained on in an Ibiza hotel’s open-concept bathroom terrace. Lucky little aluminum bastards.

THUMP Suggests: Mane & Tail and nature’s conditioner, nine years of sobriety.
All you need to know is that at some point, your Dad would have died to have had this hair.

THUMP Suggests: Schwarzkopf Silver Shampoo and relishing the title “first lady” of Brainfeeder.
Let out a sigh ladies and let’s face it, anything Tokimonsta does is trendy. She often opts for a tied-up look that is either purposeful or dreadfully lazy. But any girl who can confidently take the decks in a poofy topknot should qualify as a spokesperson for Dove’s commercial series on female self-esteem. (Authors note: A top knot is what a female evolves into after 9 PM while studying a local university library.)

THUMP Suggests: Head & Shoulders (because I think there might be hair on his shoulders, too.)
Daedelus’s hair and sideburns are one trippy-ass visual. Where do the sideburns begin? Where does his head hair end? Do they meet? Are they…one? These questions plague you as your brow is furrowed in thought. Suddenly it’s 2 AM and the streams of sweat have turned his profile into a sopping wet shih tzu in a Willy Wonka suit. I mean, you all saw that too, right?

THUMP Suggests: Manic Panic and a nauseating claim that you’re “half mermaid.”
Honestly, I have no clue who this girl is to electronic music, nor do I care to find out. But grazing through my “following” feed on Instagram, at least one bro has double-tapped on Tigerlily’s many promiscuous selfies. But damn, does she have quality hair. She meets the criteria every Tomorrowland videographer scours fields for. She appears to be fresh out of a Comic-Con event. She’s Kylie Jenner’s wet dream. And her scalp probably always itches.

THUMP Suggests: A Perm and a career in “professional clubbing.”
A queen of anything ought to have great hair. The Queen of Techno herself falls far from short. Nicole’s iconic curls are seductive and robust and move in a way your hair probably could never accomplish. Her headphones are basically just there to hold back the poof. So, hats off to those who own the au naturale look. By ‘hats off’ I mean, anyone with hair like this found wearing a hat should be exiled.

THUMP Suggests: Hair Chalk and P!nk’s 2001 album M!ssundaztood.
After confirming that this picture isn’t of a young Perez Hilton or a failed product from an Easy Bake Oven, I’ve concluded that this hairstyle is so damn adorable. It’s a cotton candy, Barbie Dream Car, Pepto-Bismol inspired hair dye that would make even the colourless smile. Cue the “aw’s.”

THUMP Suggests: Gilette Shaving Cream and not letting your exile from a MySpace band get you down.
Skrilly, Skrilly, Skrilly. The world of hair owes you a huge thank you. The iconic cut has given new reasons for girls with shaky black eyeliner to steal their boyfriend’s razor and disregard that their actions have some permanency. Those who choose this shaved-life are often the same ones who don beanies like religious garb. Take heed, this winter. The person underneath those charming “Ain’t No Wifey” bonnets may be the same person who still has the “Cinema” remix set as their ringtone. (Note: We love the Internet for things like this, Girls That Look Like Skrillex.)

Alas, I leave you with wise words by Bassnectar’s hair: