Today in Relevant 90s Movies: the 1990 Sci-Fi Masterpiece ‘Robot Jox’

The stage is being set. The pieces are being put down. Two countries have agreed to duel mano e robo, as Japan’s leading mech-suit makers Suidobashi Heavy Industries has accepted the challenge from the US’ MegaBots to see who’s tougher.

While that may evoke images of cosmic Gundam dogfights or Pacific Rim‘s kaiju cage matches, the future now points to one specific dystopian sci-fi epic: the 1990 Stuart Gordon machinesterpiece Robot Jox.

While best known for cult Lovecraft adaptations like Dagon, From Beyond, and Re-Animator, Gordon’s tale of about international robot brawls is recommended viewing for both VHS aficionados and practical effect lovers, as the film is equal parts genuinely impressive stop-motion puppetry and genuinely horrendous dialogue/closing fist bumps.

But only recently has it become recommended viewing for those who want to survive this new era, the notion of countries settling disputes with giant mechs is blood for the speculative-future sharks.

In Robot Jox, the post-nuclear world is torn between two warring nations: the very Russian Confederation and the very Yankee-Doodle-Dandy Market. The two empires continue to fight for the remaining land and resources the planet can provide, but they do not achieve these conquests through warfare or sanctions, but through televised giant-robot battles. The victor, decided by an omnipotent panel of Foot Locker-uniformed referees, earns the contested territory for their team. The movie begins as Market’s ace-in-the-hole, Achilles, prepares to take on the Confederation’s undefeated champion, Alexander. Think Hunger Games with more rocket fists and cowboy hats.

One of the funniest things about Robot Jox isn’t the robots themselves, but how much of a universe the film attempts to establish. To up the ante on the dystopian-ness, there is a litany of different miseries that are shoved in and never fully explained. If this be the future we now see ahead of us, instead of one of merely climate disaster and artificially intelligent overlords, here are a few perils you should prepare for:

Cramped Living Arrangements

Due to a world wastelanded by nuclear warfare in this end-of-Cold War production, the remaining human population resides underground in tunnels and corridors. We don’t see much of the outside world, other than the desert turned arena for the joxers, and a Zone-esque misty forest where Alexander crushes the fallen Hercules while laughing. Families are forced to live in subterranean concrete bachelor apartments while the robot champions enjoy cool, mood-lit crystal-decorated Rubix Cubes. Don’t think of these mech-athletes as too greedy. On top of fighting his their country’s valor, it is revealed that Achilles earns extra living space, bedrooms, and offices for his relatives by playing in the games.

Even after the apocalypse, there will still be time for fist-bumps. Credit: Shout! Factory

Food Shortages

Even though food is sparse in the world of Robot Jox, Achilles’ family wanted to celebrate his accomplishments by cooking up some “real meat” they’ve saved for just this occasion: two thirds of a hot dog floating in some beans. Obviously, the nations with more land can secure more food. But don’t panic yet, if the movie is any indication, sports bars are alive and kicking in this future to come.

Rampant Illiteracy

The most out-of-left-field development in Robot Jox is that the majority of the population, despite close quarters, has forgotten how to read. Achilles’ brother is one of the last living readers, stockpiling a personal library to decipher secrets of the past. The benefit of this problem is that it makes espionage particularly tricky… for non-Texans anyway.

Foxy Clones

To ensure a future that doesn’t depend on talent, the Market is cooking up clones designed to fight in the games. Hunky, hunky karate-fighting clones. While their “what are these hu-man fee-lings you speak of” shtick would get old for most people, Achilles overcomes that hurdle by still wanting to bone his lab-created successor, Athena.

Embarrassingly Easily Hackable Electronics

Sure, you put a dot of sticky tack on your laptop webcam just-in-case, but imagine everything about your bedroom was this easily manipulated? To trap Achilles in his room, Athena cuts off all access to the outside world shockingly easily, just by ripping his phone out of the wall and shutting his door permanently by, what appeared to be, tearing through the wiring of his doorbell. She hijacks Achilles’ robot just as easily. But don’t worry, Achilles manages to come to the rescue of his rival and crush with a few tweaks to a controller, allowing him to remotely drive a flying car through his bedroom wall to escape.

Alexander

Mannnn, don’t fuck with this guy. He’s like a honey badger. You can blind him, tear off his arms and legs, his chainsaw dick, fly into space, blow up his entire rig and he still won’t throw in the towel. He doesn’t care how many Walter Days he has to smoosh, he wants American blood.