Am I Selfish for Wanting To Cut My Mum Out of My Life?

This article originally appeared on VICE Netherlands.

Ask VICE is a series where readers ask VICE to solve their problems, from dealing with unrequited love to handling annoying flatmates. Today we’re talking to a reader with a traumatic past who feels bad about cutting ties with her mum.

Dear VICE,

I can’t say that I’ve had a great childhood. I was raised by my mum; my dad was never in the picture. Because it was just the two of us, my relationship with her has always been very intense. For her, anyone outside of our bond was automatically our enemy. One day she’d be super sweet to the point of suffocating me, only to terrorise me the next. She’d tell me all the things she knew would hurt the most.

A few examples: I’ve suffered from an eating disorder since a young age. One time, when I was feeling better, I had some chips. She mocked me and told me they would form a greasy lump in my stomach. She also said nobody would ever really love me and that people are meant to be used.

She would create anonymous Instagram accounts to curse out my friends. She’d tell everyone around me they were trash, and often that I was, too. Sometimes, I’d go to bed and cry out of desperation and she’d come sit next to me and stare at me with this look of disgust on her face.

When I was eight, she told me everyone could tell I was making life difficult for her. I’d shut her out emotionally, but she could always win me back by hugging me, bombarding me with gifts, and telling me that nobody loved me as much as she did. For a long time, I believed her.

My mum entered into many toxic and unhealthy relationships, so there was usually a lot of yelling in the house, and at times even physical violence.

Ultimately, I moved abroad after I turned 18, partly to create distance between her and I. That’s also when I started going to therapy, where I learned that I’ve been severely traumatised by my childhood.

My therapist said my mum’s own childhood was probably damaging, too and that I should have less contact with her. I followed their advice. The few times I do still see her, her behaviour is awful. I’m in a good relationship, I have a cosy home and a nice job, but according to my mum, my life is still one big joke. Even a simple text from her can turn my whole life upside down. She always knows exactly what to say to make me doubt myself.

I am now able to recognise what she’s doing: she wants to make me feel small so that I need her. People have told me to stop talking to her altogether. Sometimes I block her for a few months, but after a while, I unblock her again because I feel guilty. Then I usually get dozens of incoherent messages saying she “will probably die alone and I won’t even notice”. That affects me. Despite everything, I do love her and I don’t want her to be lonely.

I know I should block her for good this time. Our relationship is destroying me. But there are so many people who, without knowing the specifics of my background, would judge me. To them, cutting your mother out of your life is like treason.

What should I do? How do I explain to people I need this, without feeling like a selfish monster? Is there anything that can take this horrible guilt away?

Sincerely,

K.

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Hi there, K.,

You’re not a selfish monster and you’re also far from the only person who decides to sever ties with their parents. According to StandAlone, an NGO dedicated to estrangement, one in five families in the UK are affected by the issue. Despite this, the topic is still very much taboo, so your feelings of shame are definitively understandable.

Mirjam Schneider works as a caregiver at MIND Korrelatie, a Dutch organisation which offers psychological support. She regularly sees similar issues in her work, and though every situation is unique, she recognises a few recurring emotions: sadness and (unresolved) trauma, but also guilt.

Firstly, it’s important to acknowledge how far you’ve come. The way you’re able to talk about the unhealthy dynamics between you and your mum indicates that you have powerful introspective and observational skills, says Schneider. “You’re able to describe very clearly what kind of role your mother has played in your life, and how this has impacted you,” she explains. “You show a lot more common sense than your mum has shown you. This helps in distinguishing between who you are, and who your mum is. The way you talk about it shows a lot of strength.”

Schneider adds that both your potential choices – decreasing contact with your mum even further or cutting her off completely – are totally legitimate. There’s no playbook here. But that doesn’t make things any easier. “No matter who your parents are, children often remain loyal to who raised them,” she says. “That’s what makes it so hard to break away, even if the relationship is unhealthy.”

Schneider agrees with you that very few outsiders will be able to fully understand your decision. Given your mum’s history of constantly making you doubt your own experiences, it also makes sense that people questioning you would bring up bad memories.

That’s why Schneider suggests you keep your expectations low when talking to people you don’t know. The most important thing is opening up to the people you’re close to. And if the conversation gets challenging, “You should consistently ask yourself: Do I remember why I took this step? How would being in touch with my mother impact the rest of my life, my work, my relationships?” Schneider says.

Based on the way the two of you have been communicating these past few years, it seems like having an open and honest conversation with her is beyond the realm of possibility. As you’ve also understood yourself, chances are, your mum is reaching out to you to appeal to your sense of guilt. “You can definitely feel sorry for your mum because she struggles with these kinds of feelings, but it’s her responsibility to deal with them,” Schneider adds. “Recognising that you can’t change your mum is absolutely crucial. And you shouldn’t want to, either.”

A parent like yours won’t be able to break free of this current pattern without psychological help, so there’s really nothing you can do to change the situation. “It’s up to you to recognise the pattern, and to initiate a break from it,” she continues. “The pattern won’t change, but you have the ability to notice it and to make sure it no longer drags you down.”

Letting the pattern continue could have negative consequences on your life – as it already seems to have done in the past. For instance, Schneider says that she’s seen a lot of people in unhealthy or traumatising family situations develop an eating disorder just like you did. “You regularly see that people in this kind of family situation are craving a sense of control, and an eating disorder can be a way to exercise control,” she explains. “It’s a complicated form of control, but it’s very common.”

Thankfully, now that you’re an adult, you’re much more in charge of your own life. You can’t control what your mum does, but you can decide how you respond to her and how much of an impact she has on you.

Schneider said that if you want to get some closure and be at peace with your decision, whatever that might be, you could consider writing her a letter. You don’t even need to send it. “This way, you can organise your own thoughts, and feel like you’ve expressed them, without being punished for it,” she says.

If you do decide to keep her in your life, you will need to exercise a lot of patience and kindness with yourself, too. “Don’t blame yourself if you ‘fall for it’ yet again,” she says. “Breaking free of an unhealthy family dynamic is a slow process. Realise that you are now the adult who can protect the child inside you – it might be that breaking off all contact is the only way to do so.”