Photo via Wikimedia Commons user Eva Rinaldi
Going to high school and college in Ohio, I got called “gay” and “faggot” more times than I’d like to remember. I suspect a lot of it had to do with jealousy over the way I carried myself and the company I kept: I wasn’t afraid to show love to my homies who liked to bump booties and always swagged out with slim-fitting gear when most dudes were still unironically wearing tall Ts and sagging their pants. Eventually, I just started to take being called “gay” as a backhanded compliment, because it often came from ignorant, insecure dudes with no style or culture. It’s fucked up that people would use the quality of being gay as an attack, but they suck anyway, so fuck them.
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On the other hand, if you react in disgust when someone calls you gay, that makes you just as shitty because it’s basically like saying being gay is disgusting. For example, I don’t get upset when Mexican people speak to me in Spanish at the grocery store or on the street. I love Mexican culture—their women are beautiful, and their food is banging. So when someone mistakes me for being Mexican, I’m actually a little flattered that they think I share their storied heritage. In the same vein, why would I get upset if someone called me gay when I have mad love for gay dudes? Almost all of my heroes are homos: James Baldwin, William S. Burroughs, Truman Capote, etc. If someone mistook me for sharing a quality with one of those badass motherfukers, how could I get butthurt about it?
So when I saw Trey Songz bug out over a few tweets after the parody site Huzlers.com ran a joke article about him liking the cock, I got bummed out. I felt it was a missed opportunity for him to drop some knowledge. It would be nice to see more prominent straight dudes like Trey Songz respond to accusations of being gay with a shoulder shrug and a simple “What difference does it make, bruh?” instead of all the weird, panicked indignation. In reality, there’s a lot of worse things to be in this world than gay. Here are a few of them.
It Would Be Better to Be Gay Than to Be:
Living in Florida
Addicted to coffee enemas
In line at the DMV
Getting a root canal
Mimi from the Drew Carey Show’s tampon
Photo via Wikimedia Commons user The Ratt
Beetlejuice, a.k.a. Lester Napoleon Green
In debt to NYU
A content-farm writer making $0.01 a word
The guy in the Bruce Springsteen song “The River”
Watching Two and a Half Men
Theon Greyjoy in Game of Thrones
A masseur in a retirement community
Chris Christie’s tighty whiteys
Listening to Phish’s Rift
Bono’s stylist
Reading Gwyneth Paltrow’s Goop website
Vacationing in Carcosa
A geniophobic, afraid of chins
Kurt Cobain’s brain matter
Photo via Wikimedia Commons via user WorkerBee
Eating Paula Deen’s pussy (and/or food)
Writing songs with the strained obviousness of “Panty Wetter“
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