People Share the Unsexiest Things That Happened During Sex

This piece originally appeared on VICE Netherlands.

When you’re a virgin, sex has a mythical and romantic allure: two sweaty bodies coming together, limbs entangled in the sacred ritual of love. But once you start doing the deed, you quickly realise it’s often way dirtier and less smooth than that. In fact, it’s perfectly normal for things to go heinously wrong.

We’ve all had our share of, er, memorable moments in the bedroom, and not always for the right reasons. I asked friends and friends of friends to share their mortifying mishaps for your entertainment – from broken ribs and monster butt plugs to dreadful threesomes. All of the people used aliases to speak without embarrassment.

‘Fortunately, my boyfriend noticed it first’ 

“I had in my first real relationship when I was 18. I didn’t have much sex ed, my boyfriend and I were just winging it. We liked using lubricant, but the real stuff was just too expensive for us. So we used all sorts of slippery substances we could find in the bathroom – body lotion, lip balm, sunscreen, eczema cream.

I thought the burning sensation between my legs after sex was due to the fact that we often went at it for hours, like horny teens often do. But at some point, the itching and pain became so unbearable we couldn’t have sex anymore, and I realised that maybe it was because of all the random creams we were using. I decided to invest in proper lube.

You’d think it all ended well. But a week later, we went on a weekend trip with friends, and brought the lube with us. [Our friends] poured vodka into the bottle as a prank. Fortunately, my boyfriend noticed it first when he smeared a handful on his penis.” – Laura, 30.

‘I often thought about the poor office clerk who found his desk empty the next morning’

“I was at a house/techno party with a few friends at an incredibly fancy opera-like building. I got very drunk and started flirting with a hot guy with dark hair and blue eyes. The rest of the evening is actually a blur, but I remember I was heavily hinting to him I wanted to have sex. 

I led him away from the party in the grand hall to an equally fancy corridor with many doors and side passages, where multiple security guards were keeping an eye on things. We slipped past the guards and ended up in some kind of office, with beautiful classic desks. We dramatically swept everything off, things fell to the ground, including a stack of documents and an old-fashioned corded phone. Then we had some hardcore sex in various positions on the desktop. At some point, I started feeling too anxious, so we went home to finish. 

Two weeks later, the guy told me he had chlamydia. Or to be precise: His partner tested positive after having sex with him. In other words, I had given chlamydia to both of them. That’s when I found out I had gotten it from my ex, with whom I still had sex from time to time. It was somewhat convenient that we were all infected because we could continue banging each other until the medication kicked in. In hindsight, it sounds pretty lame.

I often thought about the poor office clerk who found their desk empty the next morning. Would they ever guess what happened there?” – Michelle, 32.

‘His brother showed our monster butt plug to the entire family’

“My ex and I enjoyed using toys in bed, including a gigantic XXL monster butt plug. When we bought it, we knew it wouldn’t fit right away, but we were curious to see how far we could stretch the situation. We took turns using it: Sometimes I did, sometimes he. After using it, the monster butt plug would go back into our box of sex toys – alongside nipple clamps, vibrators, and smaller butt plugs. 

After a while, we moved in together. We had agreed to pack up all his things on the weekend, but when we arrived at his house on Friday, we saw that his mother had already been quite busy. Right in the middle of the bed was the enormous butt plug. His mother had found the box and its contents, and his brother showed our monster butt plug to the entire family.” – Saar, 24.

‘When he pulled out the condom, it got blown away by the wind. We only had one’

“A while ago, I had a one-night stand that began quite awkwardly. The guy burst into laughter when we were about to have sex. He told me he was just nervous. Eventually, we managed to get down to it, but afterwards, we couldn’t find the condom. I called my best friend for help, and she passed the phone to her mom, who told me to squat and push. When I did that, the condom popped out. Luckily, I didn’t get any STDs or get pregnant, and we even had a brief situationship afterwards.

Another time, I had sex with a guy in his car, somewhere in nature. When he pulled out the condom, it got blown away by the wind. We only had one. He safely drove me back home.” – Diewertje, 29.

‘Once I was able to move again, my fling treated me to spare ribs’

“I had sex with a casual fling after a night of partying, and things went terribly wrong. The sex itself was pretty vanilla, but he kept gripping me tighter around the waist until it suddenly felt like his finger going through my ribs. It was excruciatingly painful. 

The next day, I woke up in intense pain. I couldn’t even open my curtains or stretch my arms. I went to the doctor, who told me that my rib was broken. I suffered a lot for weeks. I could only lie on my back; everything hurt. Once I was able to move again, my fling treated me to spare ribs. I found that quite romantic.” –  Eva, 24.

‘He let out the loudest fart’

“I once had extremely explosive sex with a guy. And I mean, literally: When he came, he let out the loudest fart.” –  Janine, 25.

‘We later referred to it as my “Superman moment’”

“I was 15, my girlfriend and I were home alone. Back then, we still thought it was cool to have sex in random places, so we decided to christen my mother’s marble table. The table had been in the family for years. It was huge, and round, and stood on wobbly blocks. It must have been worth a few thousand euros.

When I reached climax, the table started wobbling so much that a piece of the leg broke off. It crashed to the ground, shattering into a thousand pieces. I also flew through the air myself. We later referred to it as my ‘Superman moment’.

I told my mother that our cat had jumped on the table while my girlfriend and I were innocently eating a chicken sandwich, causing it to topple when I tried to push the cat away. Later, I did tell her the truth. Fortunately, she found it funny.” – Henk, 26.

‘After they spent the whole night together while I was just lying there, I deeply regretted it’

“I was dating a girl who loved to party. I really liked her and actually wanted a relationship with her – until she started kissing my best friend and invited him to my place to have a threesome. Not to disappoint her, I went along with the plan, but after they spent the whole night together while I was just lying there, I deeply regretted it. I did see her again, but the flame had immediately burned out for me.” – Simon, 31.

‘We noticed three people were standing around our car, watching us’ 

“I’ve had quite a few fails in bed, and one of them was with my ex. We often had oral sex before moving on to penetration. Sometimes we sat on each other’s faces. But this one time, he farted in my mouth. My initial reaction was disbelief: I felt a vibration on my lips, then I tasted the fart  – a flavour I will never forget. The mood was ruined, and we immediately stopped having sex.

I also had a first date with a guy that ended up with us having sex in the car in a parking lot. We reclined the seats, but occasionally bumped against the horn. After a while, we noticed three people were standing around our car, watching us. We had no idea how long they had been there. The thing was, they didn’t necessarily look angry, but rather interested. Without saying a thing, we started the car and our voyeurs walked away. In the end, we could laugh about it. Somehow, the thrill of public sex was exciting.” – Romano, 26.