I don’t know if the C.I.A. set up some Google Alerts, had an intern hunched over who.is or what, but as far as I can tell, the Obama administration seems suspiciously shocked by Osama bin Laden pulling off one of the most elementary Internet trickeroos of all time.
If you haven’t seen the maelstrom of AP-quoted articles pointing to bin Laden as a “prolific email writer despite not having Internet access,” I’ll sum them up for you: he saved a bunch of text files on a flash drive, sent one of his trusted attachés to a faraway Starbucks to upload the information, copy and paste it into an email, and send it to a terrorist mailing list or something.
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Reversing the process, the courier would copy any incoming email to the flash drive and return to the compound, where bin Laden would read his messages offline. It was a slow, toilsome process. And it was so meticulous that even veteran intelligence officials have marveled at bin Laden’s ability to maintain it for so long.
This is Make Believe Espionage 101. I used to do this when I was a fucking child, playing cops and robbers with my friends in the woods. Of course, we used floppy disks and, although our “confidential material” was hardly anything the C.I.A. would have given a shit about—we mostly saved a random smattering of social studies homework translated to Wingdings, MS Paint treasure maps and the occasional jpeg of tits—we felt like top notch hackers. I hope bin Laden felt like a hacker and that he listed “hacking” as an additional skill on his resume.
If I can be completely candid, those stealth helicopters must have looked a little showy after the SEALs busted into the most wanted cabal of global terrorists’ office supplies closet to find a stack of 100 flash drives; all in all containing thousands of messages and hundreds of email addresses. For the record, revealing bin Laden to be more Grand High Witch than Snidely Whiplash, but who’s counting anymore?
At any rate, every villan needs some kind of clandestine method of communication for keeping up with their throngs of loyal followers and ne’er-do-well musketeers of chaos, so I thought I’d share 10 videos showcasing the superlative (in my opinion) means for staying in touch while staying under the radar.
Keep it like a secret.
10: Invisible Ink
This one’s a classic. But make sure your penmanship is up to par before you start writing benzedrine fueled communiqués Jack Kerouac-style. Sloppy spelling mixed with an inability to see what you’re writing has disaster written all over it.
9: Subliminal Messages
Alright, a lot of these are kind of kooky and played out. But what better way to stick it to the man than by using his own propaganda machine to your advantage? Did you know Evian is naive spelled backwards? What are those dastardly French trying to tell us?
8: Pig Latin
Another chart topper. Speaking Pig Latin will charmingly flummox any eavesdropping spy to such an extent that is maddening. Unfortunately, it takes about as long to realize someone is speaking Pig Latin as it does to realize someone has a British accent. Still worth a shot in any case.
7: Gang Signs
These weird hand gestures may make you look like you’re juggling tiny fine china, but they’re effective. They’re used to communicate gang affiliation and/or as a means to challenge rival gangs. (See also: Blood Walk and Crip Walk)
6: Self Destructing Tape Recorder
Kind of a waste of tape recorders, but when staying on the hush is your modus operandi, sending messages via self destructing tape recorder is about as legit as you can get.
5: Native American Code Talking
This speech-based coded language was enormously useful during World War I by the Choctaw Indians and again during WWII by the Navajo Indians. “Windtalking,” as it came to be known, facilitated the transmission of secret tactical messages over telephone or radio, subsequently boosting communications security during wartime.
4: Secret Codes
No cat-like master of shadow lurking is worth his weight in guilty verdicts without a nearly uncrackable code to keep up with his buddies with. The Nazi’s had one, Edgar Allan Poe had one. Hell, cereal boxes had them.
3: Pay As You Go Cell Phones (Burners)
Making trouble fast? Making money even faster? You don’t have a second to spare trying to keep your tracks covered. Just get a garbage bag full of pay as you go cell phones. No paper trail and a lot of them come with Snake.
2: Numbers Stations
If you’re in the espionage game and are in need of some crucial information, numbers stations are the way to go. Evidence suggests that these creepy shortwave broadcasts function like 411 for spies. (See also: The Cuban Five)
1: Carrier Pigeons
Best for last. What’s not to love about a loyal beast who takes to the sky and delivers all your dirtiest secrets and contemptible schemes right where you want them?
There you have it. Now you’ve got some options for keeping your shit on lockdown while focusing on getting your job done.
Reach Sean Yeaton at sean@motherboard.tv.
