How to Have a Dom/Sub Relationship

There are two ways the average person usually learns about dom and sub relationships: by stumbling across an article or video clip of a professional dominatrix—usually looking like the hottest goth you’ve ever seen—or by reading about it in some saucy erotic fiction. Your reaction to said discovery is a good indicator to how open you are to the kinkier sides of sexual pleasure.

For example, if you saw a super fit lady in black latex being cruel to a laptop screen on a TikTok snippet of a documentary and felt your downstairs quivering, you may be a submissive who’s turned on by her authoritarian tone. If you’re reading some horny fan fiction and the part where one of them slaps the other round the face and calls them a little bitch suddenly gets you going, then you might be a big ol’ dom. 

So, in this definitive guide, we’re going to breakdown what a dominant is, what a submissive is and how that specific relationship works. If you’re still confused about which, if any, you might prefer at the end of all this, then perhaps it’s time to close your laptop and give it a go in the real world. Well, maybe after another reread and a browse on your porn site of choice

A dom and sub relationship is one that engages in a ‘pretend’ power dynamic of one partner being in charge (dominant) and the other being subservient to them (submissive). This dynamic is usually limited to a pair’s sexual practice but in other cases can extend to other parts of the relationship (this is called a ‘lifestyle’ dom/sub, but we can get into that later). 

Typically, the dom/sub relationship is restricted to consensual BDSM play, where playing with traditional power rules leads to sexual gratification and big fat orgasms. That is, if your dom lets you cum, of course; orgasm denial is a big part of the relationship for some couples—and don’t get me started on the joys of edging. Dom and sub relationships are inextricably linked to kink and fetish scenes and are probably the most common relationship you will find in those scenes.

But both domming and subbing come in a million different forms, and downplaying it to the cultural perception of doms being the person who smacks someone about and the sub being the one who gets smacked about is disingenuous. At the core of it all isn’t necessarily sadomasochistic acts, but control. As a long time submissive in the bedroom—but absolutely obnoxiously loud gobshite in real life—relinquishing responsibility to another person is the most gratifying aspect of being with a dom. 

The satisfaction from being spanked is just a bonus compared to the mental relief of handing over the reins to somebody else for a bit. That said, being spat on, choked, slapped, stepped on—and more extreme acts like sounding, chastity, and cock and ball torture—are all key parts of being a sub and can’t exactly be brushed over. The vital part is that no matter what level of torture (or torturing) gets you off, everyone involved has completely consented to what is going on.

That’s the kink equivalent of asking how long is a piece of string; it can be pretty much anything. Some guys will call themselves a dom but just mean they want to put a dry finger in your arse while you suck them off. Some gals will call themselves a dom and mean they never want you to touch them except to lick their shoes clean. I personally find the latter to be so much more valid than the former, but the nature of this piece is not to be judgy, so I shan’t.

In essence, the dom in a dom/sub pairing is the leader, the controller, the king of the castle, the decision maker and the inflictor of punishments and pain. This is the basis of their role: choosing whether you can cum or get smacked on the bum. Different doms embody this control in different ways. There’s the regular shmegular dom that takes charge in the bedroom. There’s doms who aren’t that physically dominant at all, and prefer to use subs to clean their house and pay their bills. And there’s lifestyle doms (told you I’d get back to it) who are dominant in every aspect of their relationship with their submissive. No matter which way you go about being a dom, the point is exactly the definition of the word: A person with more power and influence than the other.

The sub is the one without the power and influence. Abiding by the discipline of your dom might sound like the simpler option in this dynamic—just doing what I’m told? Go on then—but the reality is that the submissive has all the power in the partnership. All the playing is done within the sub’s boundaries and often focuses on the sub’s desires—even if those desires are primarily focused on denial and worship of their dom. 

Just like doms, there are all kinds of subs too. The cash pigs, who want to be rinsed of their money every payday. The adult babies, who want their dom to act as a caregiver, like a daddy or mommy dom. There’s the ones who just like to be slapped about a bit when getting fingered. And, right at the other end of the scale, are the ones who want to be strung up on a St. Andrews cross and whipped til they bleed. All are valid and get immense emotional and physical pleasure from the kind of domination that they prefer. 

You could do what I used to do and voraciously sext every Tinder match before even meeting up to see if they’re down to choke me out, which is a very forward way of finding out if your partner is sexually compatible—what can I say?! It works.

But there are more subtle ways to meet like minded folk. Bring it up casually, for instance; or wait til you actually hook up and see if you’re on the same page sexually before mentioning it—who knows, they might ask you first. On some dating apps like Feeld, you are even encouraged to express what kind of bonking you’re into to make others aware before matching with you.

But if what you’re after is a bit more specific than you’re willing to admit on a public platform or to a stranger you’ve never met, then there are endless online communities you can join to seek out partner(s) near you. You don’t need to worry about signing up for a Fetlife account (basically, the kink version of Facebook), because many sites you already use have thriving spaces carved out for different kinks. Twitter is notorious for sex fiends to share what they’re into anonymously—like breeding kinks, for example—and although Tumblr is still iffy about porn, there’s plenty of workarounds to finding dom/sub communities on there. 

And if the internet isn’t your bag at all, there are plenty of sex parties out there to attend and get to know people in real life. Find one local to you and head on down either solo or with a mate to try and get a kinky meet cute. 

Most of all though, if you’re messaging anyone in your particular sex faction or outside of it, don’t be a fucking weirdo about it. Jumping in with “I’d love to spit on your tits!” isn’t going to make anyone horny or happy to continue a conversation. Approach someone you fancy in the community in the normal way you should approach someone you fancy out of it; with respect and interest in who they are as a person. Unless they’ve detailed explicitly that they’re into that kind of disrespectful DM; in which case, go for it.

In all of this, it is of the utmost importance that these roles are taken on consensually and continually confirmed to be so with the settings of boundaries, safe words and check ins. 

The person who should be setting the most boundaries in your dom/sub relationship is the submissive. As the masochist, you get to set the rules on how far your play will go and to do so, communication is key. Set specific limits to your fucking: You can be down for being pissed on but none in my hair please. Choke me as much as you want unless I tap your leg three times, then stop. As much as “breaking boundaries” sounds hot, there’s a thin line between consensual non-consent (pretending to be non consensual) and actually having your consent broken. The way to avoid this is to be absolutely clear on what you do and don’t want to do. And have a safe word, duh.

The best way to ensure your boundaries are set in stone, is to explain them to your partner before you get involved in any kind of dynamic. This also goes for doms too: sadists have their limits, and you have to be comfortable with the fact that your top might not be down for punching you in the head.

 Meet in a non-sexy environment and discuss your dos, don’ts and carnal desires. I’ve even done this over text rather than in person to avoid awkwardness and to have my words available for reference and amending at any time. Ensuring that you’re both on the same page is vital to any kind of sex or sex play involving dom/sub relationships or otherwise. 

Put on the page, all these points can feel a bit clinical and often it isn’t until you’ve spent time with a person and had your fingers in their mouth that you know what kind of dom/sub relationship suits you as a pairing. To learn what you really like and who you like doing it with, the best chance to work it all out is to fuck around and find out.