All the Things We Overheard in the Club Toilet on ‘Freedom Day’

A nightclub toilet is a strange, grotty sanctuary. Away from the eardrum-assault on the dance-floor, it’s probably the only part of a club quiet enough to overhear all the weird shit people say in the middle of a heavy night.

It’s a place where a stranger asking “how the fuck do you make your tits sit up like that?” can lead to an open and honest conversation. Where weeping gloopy mascara into the girl you met 10 minutes ago is “completely natural”, instead of “insane”.

Among the chaos, there are pure moments of beauty. This week, this was made all the more extraordinary, when clubs opened for the first time in over a year. After 16 months of government-enforced caution and isolation, the nightclub toilets became a place to discuss the weirdness of it all.

Here’s everything we overheard on England’s first restriction-free night out:

“Is it normal for nipples to sweat? Fuck. They’re so slimy, man.” 

Girl 1: “You do realise your eyebrow piercing is infected, don’t you?”
Girl 2: “Yeah babe, but if you lick it, it’s antiseptic ain’t it.” 
Girl 1: “No, I think you need medical attention, Soph.”

“On all the fucking days to forget my keys.”

Girl [running tap]: “Can I drink this shit? It looks Satan’s discharge.”

[“Lost In Music” starts playing] “God – I wish my mum was here, she rates the Scissor Sisters so much.”

[Group of girls hugging in toilets] – “I fucking love you. You more. No, you.”

Girl: “He used to be so average but now he has a mullet I would genuinely let him have it all.”
Mate: “Have you seen the state of it? It’s literally dipping in sweat.”
Girl: “Yeah. Sexy as fuck.”

[Girl leaving toilets shouting] “IT’S FUCKING FREEEEEEDOM DAY.”

Girl: “I never knew this place would be relaxing enough to shit in, must be the chilled vibe.” 
Her mate: “No love, it’s all the coke you’ve been snorting.”

“They are missing a huge trick not selling Soleros in here.”

“Everything I drink tastes like pennies.”

“He bought himself a Nespresso machine and now he thinks he’s too good for us. I’ve seen him put those Aldi pods in too!”

“Because it’s Bristol, I get peer pressured to wear these cargos and now they have piss on them. Great.”

“They should have recycling bins for empty baggies. Greta would love that.”

“I thought he was so peng until he turned up on that electric scooter. I had to ask him to leave.”

[Filling up plastic cup with water] “I’m throwing this at him.”

“Imagine if we didn’t get a ticket. I think I would pass away.”

Girl 1: “I wish they would play some Britney, it’s what this place needs.”
Girl 2: “This is house and techno.”
Girl 1: “Exactly.”

“They shouldn’t make these toilet seats this comfy.”

Eco Friendly(ish) Girl: “Fuck those plastic cups, they should be paper at least.”
Friend: “Mate, we all know your top is from Shein.”

@izzy_copestake