patrick@viceland.com
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Get a sheet.
Cut two sloppy holes in it.
Put it over your head and go “Whoooo-oooo!”
Phone extension cords are much sexier than rope.
A clear plastic bag. You have to cut a small hole in it, otherwise you might die.
Bare-chested is best. Nobody gets tortured fully clothed.
Tie it as tight as you can but make sure you don’t go purple.
Make your face look like Mick Jagger. Unless you’re a kid, in which case please don’t do this.
Being into Bettie Page is highly gay, but it is a good excuse to dress really slutty.
Get a push-up bra and do your hair in this goofy bangs look.
Vintage lingerie and garters.
Make sure you get the right 50s nerd glasses.
Call a friend to pick you up because you can’t go outside alone.
This makes the pipe filter. You have to burn it to get rid of the poisonous coating.
Mini Martell bottles are the best because they’re easiest to pierce at the bottom. Ready for action! Madness, bankruptcy and homelessness beckon.
This is more realistic than any of the effects in Land of the Dead.
Bingo. Now you can blend in with the rest of them.
You need a bikini, a sheer robe, a kinky wig, and pictures of Kim Jong Il and the North Korean flag.
Pin Kim Jong to your bottoms.
Sew the flag to your sheer robe.
Throw on the wig and some high heels, and why not put a plastic gun in your garter too?
Go trick-or-treating while making a cogent commentary on how North Korea is weird.
This is gross, but go to a barber and get bunch of hair off the floor.
Make a nontoxic body glue with flour and water.
Apply a liberal layer of dark brown Pan-Cake makeup, then brush on the glue.
Quick, throw the hair all over in mangy chunks before the glue dries. Grab a basketball and hit the streets!
Lay out an old backpack and bedroll.
Then drop a T-shirt, preferably something backpacker-y like a Canadian flag, and a pair of shorts next to it.
Grab a can of hair spray and a lighter…
… and torch the whole pile of shit. Do this on a concrete floor, OK? Just torch it a little.
If you can get your hands on a fire extinguisher, consider yourself ready to go.
Get a couple of bits of makeup and some ugly blouse. Use old-lady products—not your girlfriend’s best stuff. That nice stuff isn’t half-assed.
It’s good if the stockings have runs and holes so your leg hair peeks through.
The shirt should be a little bit too tight. Real trannies are impeccable about a good fit.
Apply makeup using your bad hand. If you’re righty, go lefty and vice versa.
Spend the whole night talking in a super-fake falsetto about how “glamorous” everything is.
Videos by VICE
![](https://scs-assets-cdn.vice.com/int/v12n9/htdocs/noble/3.jpg)
![](https://scs-assets-cdn.vice.com/int/v12n9/htdocs/noble/4.jpg)
![](https://scs-assets-cdn.vice.com/int/v12n9/htdocs/noble/5.jpg)
Get a push-up bra and do your hair in this goofy bangs look.
![](https://scs-assets-cdn.vice.com/int/v12n9/htdocs/noble/6.jpg)
Mini Martell bottles are the best because they’re easiest to pierce at the bottom. Ready for action! Madness, bankruptcy and homelessness beckon.
![](https://scs-assets-cdn.vice.com/int/v12n9/htdocs/noble/7.jpg)
![](https://scs-assets-cdn.vice.com/int/v12n9/htdocs/noble/8.jpg)
Quick, throw the hair all over in mangy chunks before the glue dries. Grab a basketball and hit the streets!
![](https://scs-assets-cdn.vice.com/int/v12n9/htdocs/noble/9.jpg)
Grab a can of hair spray and a lighter…
![](https://scs-assets-cdn.vice.com/int/v12n9/htdocs/noble/10.jpg)
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Ricky Pearsall at San Francisco 49ers training camp a month before the shooting. Photo by Thurman James/CSM/Shutterstock.