An ornery goose who attacked an elderly woman in cold blood is no longer on the loose.
On October 25, an 87-year-old woman using a walker making her way through Dartmouth, Nova Scotia, was attacked by a goose that knocked her down and pecked her right up. As the Canadian Press reports, this vicious and unwarranted goose attack left the woman with a broken pelvis and elbow.
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The goose was part of a beloved collection of geese who live in one of the city’s parks. (Having even an ounce of fondness for geese is a TERRIBLE decision but more on that later.) CP talked to Dartmouth residents who admitted to being nipped by these creatures. They were feared and would chase joggers and honk at seniors for a good time.
While all geese are assholes, these geese were particularly dickish. The pack was prematurely removed from the pond and transported to a wildlife facility for the winter months. During the goose removal operation the ringleader of the cell was identified and, when spring rolls around, may no longer be allowed on the loose again.
Geese are having a cute-but-mischievous moment thanks to the popular Untitled Goose Game. If you ask me, the game is just covering for these trashcans of the sky. Geese are the avian equivalent to that shirtless drunk guy in your hometown bar who is begging all near him to “go.” As any Canadian will tell you, geese are good-for-nothing, angry, soulless marauders, who will firmly grip your clavicle in their beak and rip it straight out of that weird neck-adjacent part of your body if you look at them the wrong way.
Geese have a long history of transgressions against humans. In one case an Alaska man who was trying to get some grain for his chickens (a perfectly fine bird) was attacked by an angry goose (a shit bird). When he hopped on his ATV to escape the goose flew at him, forcing him to drive into a tree at high speed, which in turn broke his leg. In another case, a goose laid an egg in an Icelandic pedestrian walkway and broke the arm of a passerby.
I would put money on the fact the geese sucked into the engines of “Sully” Sullenberger’s plane in 2009 forcing him to land in the Hudson sacrificed themselves in a petty attempt to fuck up people’s travel plans.
While it doesn’t do much about the rest of the hellbird population, one particularly ornery maritime goose is no longer on the loose and, friends, that’s probably a good thing.
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