Ask a Hooker: Why Do I Have Extreme Rape Fantasies?

Lydia Faithfull is a full-time sex worker at the Love Ranch brothel in Nevada. She specializes in domination, humiliation, and good conversation. She refuses to kiss for money.

Dear Lydia

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I have been dating a wonderful guy who makes me feel secure and loved. I know that he feels more comfortable sticking to vanilla sex, but he’s still open to trying new things with me. I have really extreme rape fantasies—ones that even involve violence. I’ve been having a lot of internal quandaries about this—in particular, grappling with the fact that I don’t, in any way, think this is okay in any other context but sex. Sometimes I find myself wondering, “What’s wrong with me?” What do you make of this? How did I get to be this fucked up?

Love,

“Fiona”

Fiona,

My dear, you are not fucked up. The guilt and shame you’re describing slugged me in my solar plexus. Listen to me, friend: No sexual fantasy is inherently wrong. I don’t care how taboo it is. Asking for what you want is brave.

I’m so happy that you have a supportive partner with whom you’re able to explore your sexuality. A loving relationship where you can share fantasies without judgment is truly sacred .(I have never recovered from mine.) Have you presented the idea of role-playing to your partner? He may feel more comfortable exploring your consensual non-consent fantasies if he were in character. If he’s not thrilled with the idea of physically topping you, maybe start off light with a coercion role-play scenario. (Blackmail is always fun.) I’m a big proponent of educationally watching porn together as a couple. It keeps the lines of communication open and offers opportunity to discuss likes and dislikes. Bury that self-condemnation and have so much fun.

Alternatively, I don’t know if you’ve experienced sexual violence personally, but for many women rape fantasies are a reclaiming experience. Let’s consider their nature. To imagine is to cast yourself in a role, right? As the victim of your own design, you have created agency for yourself. You are in control of how the fantasy unfolds. Transforming real tragedy into an erotic experience is a survival mechanism. As women, we’re licking deep patriarchal wounds, and I support anything that offers catharsis. I want you to extend yourself the same level of compassion that you provide those on the crisis hotline or at the domestic abuse center. You are not anti-feminist. You’re a woman who is exposed to a lot of suffering, and you’ve found a safe place to exorcise that pain.

Dear Lydia,

My boyfriend is a very kind and warm hearted guy, but every time we have sex, we start off facing each other, and we end with me on my knees. Almost every single time—it turns into him fucking me from behind, then finishing, the end. On the rare occasion we don’t finish doggy-style, we finish with me on top—but with my back to him (in reverse cowgirl). Don’t get me wrong; I am enjoying myself, but I’m a little weirded out. Is this because these positions are just more pleasurable for him? Does he think I have a great ass and wants to look at it? Does he not want to make eye contact? If I face away from him, does the emotional distance make it easier to cum?

Love,

Sarah

Dear Sarah,

I’m sorry this is happening. Monotony is the killer of enthusiasm, and the confusion as to why it’s occurring must be building resentment. Before I begin speculating, I must address the obvious lack of communication. Has this ever been addressed? That absolutely needs to happen. Preferably not mid-fuck, as that would be a boner-shrinking fiasco.

When you’re facing one another, is he maintaining eye contact? In my experience, men who cannot manage this end up being the kind of guys who watch an ungodly amount of porn and are desensitized to the warm body beneath them. Or he could very well be enamored with the sight of your ass. You won’t know until you open the lines of communication.

I wouldn’t present it as though he were doing something wrong. The number one thing I’ve learned about men is that they adapt well to change when they understand our preferred outcome. Meaning, don’t mention that you’re bored of doggy-style unless you offer specific alternatives. I guarantee if you ask him to cum in your mouth, he will not object.

The number one thing I’ve learned about men is that they adapt well to change when they understand our preferred outcome.

Where is your orgasm in all of this? You mentioned enjoying yourself, but it sounds as though sex revolves entirely around your boyfriend. If you must have sex for free (sex worker joke! I jest), please make your pleasure a priority. Dudes get enough handed to them.

Lydia—When you deal with clients, especially ones who like to dirty talk and role-play, what’s the line for you? Do you ever stop anything that gets out of hand? Or, if not, how do you take control of the situation?

Signed,

Curious

Dear Curious,

Oh, I’m seldom the recipient of dirty talk. It’s typically something clients ask of sex workers and is always negotiated up front. That’s an opportunity to upsell and will certainly cost extra, particularly if they’ve requested verbal humiliation from me. Even for a sadist, that is a shit ton of improv.

I would never agree to something that I’m uncomfortable with. For example, I don’t offer GFE (girlfriend experience) because kissing and cuddling a stranger would be completely unbearable. I’m terribly affectionate in romantic relationships but could never offer such intimacy to a client. That would be inauthentic to my nature, and some things are sacred.

Recently a co-worker of mine indulged a necrophiliac role-play request. The client actually stormed out of the brothel in a huff because her breathing wasn’t shallow enough, and he could not suspend his disbelief. (He attempted to get his money back in court but the case was dismissed.) Personally, I would have not entertained his fantasy and found the entire scenario problematic. Fortunately, in the sex industry, there is a lid for every misshapen pot.

I will interrupt a party (that’s brothel lingo for sex) if a client attempts to spank me or pull my hair. It’s astounding when men believe that’s acceptable behavior while engaging in sex with a dominatrix. I have a lifelong policy of never setting a boundary twice. Forcing me to repeat myself means he’ll be scrambling to put his clothes on in the parking lot.

Got a question for Lydia? Get in touch at broadly.edtor@vice.com