We Asked People to Sum Up Their Worst One-Night Stands in Six Words

In a perfect world, a one-night stand is a wild, fun evening with a sorta hot semi-stranger. There’s no shortage of ways a one-night tryst can go sideways, though. We asked friends and co-workers to recall their most regrettable one-night stands in six words.

“$160 Uber ride I paid for.” – Ray, 35

“Insane roommate chased us with gun.” – Lynn, 46

“Skid marks on my new sheets.” – Courtney, 38

“Lots of bite marks, didn’t cum.” – JD, 38

“Sex so bad we conversed during.” – Drew, 28

“He insisted I pet his cat.” – Coleen, 28

“Beer goggles were in full effect.” – Mady, 35

“Dick was so tiny I laughed.” – Janae, 23

“Walk of shame in foreign city.” – Mandy, 35

“Only wanted a beating, no sex.” – Melissa, 27

“Noticed post-coitus: two bikes, pink towel.” – Melissa, 37

“Smeared period blood on his bedspread.” – Marie, 24

“Fell asleep as he penetrated me.” – Beth, 26

“Unfortunate blowjob surprise: Autobukkake is real.” – Hezekiah, 31

“Scared by his baby tooth collection.” – Trina, 28

“Set the pillows on fire. Literally. – Dory, 30

“Owned iguana. Lower back dreamcatcher tattoo.” – Sam, 36

“Kept thanking me. Joked about Holocaust.” – Nate, 23

Illustration by Brandon Celi for VICE

“He stole my favorite fancy shampoo.” – Katie, 33

“Blasted Rammstein CD while we fucked.” – Brenda, 36

“His girlfriend’s call woke us up.” – Mandy, 35

“Her drunk friend used the N-word.” – James, 34

“Screamed ‘Am I a whore!?!?!?’ afterward.” – Tim, 23

“Talked about Bible camp while cumming.” – Julie, 29

“Pooped in her fancy hotel room.” – Kevin, 26

“Unstable next-door neighbor. She moved.” – Joe, 28

“Naked stranger. Cops pounding in door.” – Winnie, 32

“Was pat on the head goodbye.” – Kelly, 32

“He clipped his toenails right after.” – Kelly, 23

“Too drunk. Don’t remember it.” – Alex, 38

“Forgot his name. Still don’t know.” – Carrie, 33

“Had Sublime poster on his wall.” – Francesca, 29

“He puked on my favorite houseplant.” – Lori, 26

“His cat peed on my new dress.” – Shelly, 22

“Showed me his porn-inspired “artwork.” – Lance, 28

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