The Male Feminist's Guide to Getting a Girlfriend for Winter

When the weather gets a little chilly, it’s only natural to look for someone to snuggle under the comforter with for a little Netflix and Chill. It’s chilly outside, and you’re chilling inside, get it? This may sound like a typical fuckboy talking, but in fact I’m a Male Feminist, and I’m here to educate you about cuffing season. This may sound a little like mansplaining, but is it really mansplaining if you do it to other men? Hah hah!

What’s cuffing season? you might ask. Urban Dictionary defines cuffing season as, “During the Fall and Winter months people who would normally rather be single or promiscuous find themselves along with the rest of the world desiring to be ‘Cuffed’ or tied down by a serious relationship. The cold weather and prolonged indoor activity causes singles to become lonely and desperate to be cuffed.” In other words, every relationship is a beautiful flower, and sometimes the most wonderful seeds blossom in the winter. The Male Feminist is here to help you make sure you plant them before the frost sets in.

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Technically, the Male Feminist shouldn’t have to engage in cuffing season, because the Male Feminist is so sensitive to women’s issues that he should never be dumped. Even if the Male Feminist is dumped, it’s surely just a matter of time before his girlfriend comes to her senses. It probably wasn’t a true dumping. (Note: Male Feminists come in all shapes and sizes. A person of any gender can be a Male Feminist, and a Male Feminist can be attracted to any gender.)

At the same time, the Male Feminist would never be promiscuous unless he found multiple partners willing to practice safe, consensual polyamory in a non-judgmental, nurturing environment. And, frankly, unless the Male Feminist is unemployed (or funemployed ;-)) it’s probably hard to get the time to engage in so many meaningful, consensual connections. Still, you should always push for an open relationship. The Male Feminist isn’t into labels—except for labeling himself as Feminist.

But we’re getting ahead of ourselves. Your first step to finding a potential temporary sexual life mate for cuffing season is to, well, find someone who could potentially be your bae! The traditional way to do this is to download a dating app. Tinder is about the least Male Feminist app out there, OkCupid is probably how your parents met, and Hinge is basically less horny LinkedIn. So what’s a Male Feminist to do?

Bumble is an app from Tinder co-founder Whitney Wolfe that flips the traditional dating app formula on its head. Rather than the man messaging first—super microaggressive, not to mention heteronormative!—Bumble requires that women take the lead. Just being on this app lets them know you’re progressive, but you should really hammer the point home in the bio. A good Male Feminist “About Me” includes the following elements: saying you’re a feminist; mentioning interests in Orange is the New Black, Broad City, Nicki Minaj, and Tina Fey (or Tina Bae, if you want to show off your sense of humor—could you really cuff with a gal who doesn’t love puns?); butching it up a little by saying you like whiskey; and then bringing it back down by making sure she knows you love cats. Do not leave out the cats.

When she messages you back, demonstrate how woke and sensitive you are. First of all, don’t just say, “What’s up?” It’s crass and uninspired. Ask her how her high-powered job is going, or ask if she’s seen the new article on the semiotics of fingerbanging. If you’re truly in need of some inspiration, check out noted Male Feminist Matt McGorry’s Twitter—it’s always full of little gems.

A person of any gender can be a Male Feminist, and a Male Feminist can be attracted to any gender.

If you can’t get a date on Bumble—maybe you’re so hurt by your last girlfriend’s betrayal that your heart’s just not in it right now; she really was a beautiful person—then you can always send a woke DM. The Male Feminist is always allied to women’s issues, and he should make sure that he lets women know how allied he is. He can do that by posting screencaps of misogynist tweets (try irony Twitter or literally any politician) and captioning them with “Wow.” If the object of your affection, for some reason, doesn’t follow you, encourage her to do so by aggressively agreeing with everything she posts and attacking the problematic men in her mentions.

When you’re on the date, which you should call a “hangout,” in case you make her uncomfortable or get rejected for some insane reason, make sure you follow strict Male Feminist guidelines of behavior. You should hold the door open for her. Pay for her first round of drinks. But don’t make a big deal out of it—that’s un–Male Feminist. Conversation can be on woke topics such as how you have corrected people who were being problematic. Make sure you never say “cuffing season.” That’s a major turnoff. If you have to use tips or tricks from a Neil Strauss book, make sure that you’ve gone out and bought The Truth, which is like The Game but about finding love.

Afterwards, make sure that she gets home safely. Either to your home or hers. The Male Feminist definitely fucks on the first date, but he is also respectful. If she takes her leave, text her, “Just making sure you get home safe!” followed by emoji—don’t get too abstract with it. This definitely doesn’t come across as paternalistic or desperate. The Male Feminist knows how much the love of a good woman means. Hell, the Male Feminist would settle for grudging acceptance. Not that he’s desperate. He just loves being around women, you know?

Just don’t over-text. The ideal is to wait twice as long as she does to text you, but really, half as long is OK. You don’t want to seem overeager, but you do want to show her you care. Also, do not, under any circumstances, send her a picture of your hog. Women hate this. Sometimes Male Feminism is confusing for women to interpret because they aren’t used to being so well understood, so they mistake Male Feminist dick pics for regular dick pics. In fact, when a Male Feminist sends a dick pic, he’s responding to subtle cues conveyed between the lines of late-night DMs. In fact, the Male Feminist may know a girl wants a dick pic before the girl does!

Assuming that everything goes well—this may take two or three dates with two or three women—you can now “put the cuffs on.” Not in a sex slave-y way (unless she’s into that, hah hah)! But in a, we can call each other over and talk about our days way. Did you see a potentially problematic joke on the Daily Show? Send it over. Did you see a socially conscious yet still funny meme? Pass that along. What about a Rare Pepe? Don’t even think twice.