A Train Killed 11 Cows and Stopped Some Gooners Going to an Away Game

A bunch of Arsenal fans were unable to reach an away game at Burnley yesterday after a train collided with a herd of livestock. Eleven cows were confirmed dead as a result of the accident, which prevented many Gooners from taking their flasks of Arabica bean coffee into the bleak northern stadium of Turf Moor.

One tweeter described the train carriage as being "splattered" in "blood and poop".

Fifteen cows are said to be missing in the fallout of this attack on the milky species. A southbound Great Northern Rail service whacked the poor bastards to death with its extreme hurtling tonnage near Peterborough. It's assumed that the cows died on impact. While we cannot be sure, we can most certainly hope.

A spokesman for the cow-destroying rail company said: "I can confirm that a train struck some cows between Huntington and Peterborough and sadly 11 were confirmed dead. There was some damage to the train but the driver and passengers were all fine. The train in question had to be evacuated and then moved away to be repaired. As it stands, the lines are now clear and services are running as normal although with some residual delays."

Running as normal, they say. I'll tell you what's probably not running as normal: the brain of that train driver. It's bad enough when you hit a fox or whatever with your car, and this incident is a markedly scaled up version of that. You can't really drag 11 mutilated cow corpses to the side of the road, nor would you want to. Still, at least it meant some Arsenal scum had their day ruined, amirite.

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