We Could Fix Port Hope’s Radioactive Rebrand Nightmare

The unfortunately awful logo that was submitted for the Port Hope rebrand.

What do you do when your town is being called a “carcinogenic time bomb” because of all the nuclear, contaminated soil that is slowly killing your population and ruining the reputation of your quaint village? You, of course, give a hack graphic design studio an enormous amount of money to rebrand the image of your polluted town, instead of doing anything about the actual contamination!

The unfortunately radioactive Port Hope, Ontario had to deal with this exact problem. They awarded a Toronto based firm, called Weave Communications, a contract worth $102,830 to make them a few logos. It’s not 100% clear how much Weave has been paid so far, but the price tag on that kind of rebrand alone is totally ridiculous. You can see one of Weave’s logos for Port Hope at the top of this article, to get a full understanding of how astronomically disproportional their work is to the cost of their contract.

One angry Port Hope resident described that particular logo as something a “10 year old could have done a better job” with. And really, who can blame them? You’ve got the kooky backwards R seemingly inspired by either the Toys Я Us chain or the rap-metal super-band KoЯn. Then there’s that crappy thought bubble above the faux-vintage looking “Port Hope” text, that makes it seem like the town itself is dreaming about its own uniqueness—“Like nowhere else”—which we suppose is true, how many municipalities can boast “Historic low-level radioactive waste buried in parks, ravines, streets, industrial sites, the harbour and hundreds of backyards.”

You might think, ok, maybe that logo was just a misstep. Surely there were other strong suggestions, and no reputable design studio would accept over $100,000 in government money to do such an embarrassingly bad job. Well, if you’re thinking that, you’re a real gem for being optimistic, but you’re also totally fucking wrong. Look:

This was another one of Weave’s suggestions. What it is with these people and accentuating one letter in the middle of a word in order to make that letter seem more important? I guess Weave is trying to accentuate the eXtraordinariness of their incredibly serious radioactive issue. It actually reminds us of Bre-X, that massive minerals stock scam that defrauded a ton of Canadians out of money. Maybe that was Weave’s tongue in cheek joke? They surely sought to make a ton of money off the backs of unsuspecting Canadians.

We gave Weave a call to try and get a comment from them on this graphic design clusterfuck, but a representative chuckled over the phone, saying they wouldn’t be making a comment.

So, in lieu of an exclusive interview, we got our crack in house design team to make a couple of logos for the town of Port Hope that they are free to use if they want to. Here’s the first one:

We’re not backing down from the reality that the identity of Port Hope is intrinsically tied to impending nuclear disaster. In this logo, you’ve got the red, and to be honest, pretty scary atom, bracing the O in “Hope.” Then we’ve got a radioactive warning in the first O in “Port.” There’s no need to run from the truth of it all, people. The contaminated soil isn’t going anywhere, and if you just want to sit on your hands and throw money at a graphic design studio who can’t actually fix your radioactive problems, or make a good logo for that matter, well then, we suppose you’re just doomed to “See What Develops.”

This one has a much stronger truth-punch. The warped text on “Port Hope” speaks to the shaky reputation of the town in light of misspent branding funds and dire environmental issues. But, the slogan “Still a Good Place to Live,” doesn’t need to be read as sarcastic or delusional, it’s a message of hope. I guess you could say we’re putting the hope back in “Port Hope.” Ah, who are we kidding. We’re trying to make your town look like the setting of a scary zombie movie where everyone has to hide out on top of the shopping mall and pick off flesh-eating, undead demons. Our bad.

If Port Hope would like to completely distance itself from their sad nuclear reality, here’s a pretty good logo that one of our designers literally made in five minutes. It’s not amazing, but it’s definitely better than both of Weave’s suggestions.

So there you have it, radioactive Canadian towns, holler at us if you need a rebrand. We’re open for business, and we’re not going to charge you $100,000+ just to make your PR problems even worse. Good luck with the toxic soil.