We’re All Doomed: The Economy’s Not Getting Better And We’re All Going To Starve

I’m not an economist. It goes against my personal philosophy that the economy works by the same principle as a really large scale version of pushing your food around your plate in an attempt to fool your parents into believing you finished your dinner. Except instead of trying to convince your parents that you ate all your vegetables, you’re convincing people walking the razor’s edge of poverty that there’s no more money left for them.

But I like money. It lets me do things, like buy beer or ride the subway. Mostly just those two things. And when I read articles saying that an unemployment rate of 9 percent will last until 2016 I begin to worry about my ability to smell like alcohol on public transportation.

Apparently it’s one of those deals where companies don’t want to hire employees because of low demand from consumers and consumers are not demanding products because companies won’t hire them. A self-fulfilling prophecy, like when you’re watching Toddlers & Tiaras and suffering from severe depression and you can’t decide if you’re depressed because you’re watching Toddlers & Tiaras or you’re watching Toddlers & Tiaras because you’re depressed.

Pictured above: Economics

Trying to wade through the reasons why the economy’s so bad right now is tough. Even at it’s simplest, it’s still unfathomably complicated, but it also sounds like it’s all bullshit, which makes it seem even more complicated. This article from August, published by The Independent, posits the major reason for the worldwide economic collapse happening right now as countries and economically powerful individuals “binging” on easy credit.

Okay, so what’s credit? And why is it so easy to binge? Well to put it scientifically, “everybody kind of spaced” and forgot credit is supposed to mean “money that I’ll totally have later, so just send me the bill in a couple months.” And It wasn’t just the United States, either (for once). According to this hilarious thing, the world owes as much money to the United States as the United States owes money to the world:

A recent McKinsey report, “Mapping global capital markets 2011,” provides estimates for some of the major net foreign creditors and debtors around the world. From the data available, it is evident that the US is not only the biggest gross foreign debtor in the world but also the biggest net creditor.

I have a very vague understanding of what most of that article is talking about, but from what I can tell, we’re giving out as much credit as we’re taking in. Also, here’s a fun video that takes a shot at explaining this whole stupid thing:

The problem right now is that countries are borrowing on not-real money to pay back conceptual debt. But that apparently doesn’t mean anything either, because the debt cap congress sets gets raised all the time. Right now it’s set at $14.294 trillion.

Wait. We can just keep raising it?!

So, in terms of the apocalypse, this seems like a pretty bad thing. What’s worse, even if people were earning more money, it still wouldn’t make them feel better about things. It turns out even luxury living, which I would imagine involves flying jetpacks to a sushi bar on top off Mt. Everest, makes people just as unhappy as not being able to fly jetpacks to a sushi…you get the idea.

And that’s all that really supports a global floating economy when you get right down to it. It doesn’t reflect gold, it reflects labor (sorta), and it reflects economic confidence. But people aren’t confident about anything. I can’t even be confident I’m awake right now thanks to a few substances I ingested in college. How am I supposed to support a global economy of what really seems like complete nonsense?

Possible Future Number One

It’s hard to imagine a future where the global economy isn’t constantly jumping up and down, possibly because for as long as I can remember the economy’s been bad. Which is pretty depressing right? But I suppose a nice possible future could be one where we change economies. Maybe instead of an economy based on market fluctuation and labor, we switch to one based on something more stable, like national computing power or “tastiest chili recipe.” But that could lead to a really bloody war over chili powder. Most likely at some point 3D printing and holodecks will be invented, Star Trek will come true, and we’ll realize money is kind of stupid.

Possible Future Number Two

I think we’re heading for a libertarian apocalypse, personally. As the years wear on and the economy refuses to stabilize, people become angrier and angrier until finally, it breaks. Whether it’s from a radical fringe group like the Tea Party movement, or something equally moronic, libertarians suggest returning to a feudal economy, or a barter system. And there you have it—total economic collapse. In a Cormac McCarthyian nightmare, Ron Paul rides on horseback through the ruins of New York City as people hide in office buildings praying to nature spirits and trading chickens for access to cell phone towers. Similar to living in Detroit. Also, Iceland just left the International Monetary Fund… bum bum buuuuum.

Previously on We’re All Doomed:
Immortality Will Kill Us All