We Reviewed Every Band Playing Coachella 2019

The first week of January brings a second Christmas for moneyed fans of the world’s biggest pop stars, washed EDM DJs, and singer-songwriters with high-powered publicists. That’s right, Coachella announced their 2019 lineup and we’re back yet again to give our very serious reviews of every artist on the bill. Sorry if we were too mean.

070 Shake
069 Bake

Adriatique
Ibiza’s actually in the Mediterranean, but close enough.

Agoria
Seems like a bad fear to have at a music festival tbh.

Alice Merton
Feel like I read her in a Critical Theory class.

Âme
Two sentient v-necks.

Amelie Lens
Fuck accordions.

Anderson.Paak & The Free Nationals
There’s a really loud beeping in the office that’s been going for like 90 minutes so it’s pretty hard to think straight. Can I just pass on this one?

Anna Lunoe
More like Anna YouKnow I’m going to be skipping your set, right?

Aphex Twin
I hear he’s been getting really into “deconstructed club” lately. Great.

Ariana Grande
She’s had a rough year, glad to see her thriving.

A R I Z O N A
Still the best drink you can buy at a bodega for one dollar.

Bad Bunny
Why not Good Bunny?

Bakar
Shame they couldn’t snag the butcher and the candlestick maker this year.

Bassnectar
The can’t-miss set for every white dude with dreads.

Bazzi
Cool they booked the walking Spotify algorithm.

Beach Fossils
Shells. They’re called shells.

Billie Eilish
Hypebeast Hannah Montana.

BLACKPINK
I’m told this is a K-pop thing. Don’t wanna fuck with that.

Blond:ish
An a cappella tribute to Frank Ocean.

Blood Orange
Mid-level San Pellegrino flavor.

Bob Moses
A duo named in tribute to the racist New York city planner who once said “I raise my stein to the builder who can remove ghettos without moving people as I hail the chef who can make omelets without breaking eggs.” Weird.

boy pablo
Googled to see what’s going on here and every picture has “Hobo Johnson with a bowl cut” energy so hard pass.

Burna Boy
“Long ago, the four nations lived together in harmony. Then, everything changed when the Fire Nation attacked.”

Calypso Rose
She seems like a nice old lady.

CamelPhat
These guys put out something on Vice Records so we probably shouldn’t say anything bad about them. But, eh, fuck em.

Charlotte de Witte
More like Charlotte de Shitte

Charlotte Gainsbourg
More like Charlotte de Shitte.

Childish Gambino
More like Charlotte de Shitte.

CHON
More like CHONlotte de Shitte.

Chris Lake
This Dawson’s Creek sequel sucks.

Christine and the Queens
Really struggling to say something mean about Chris! She’ll shine on the big stage!! She deserves it!!!

CHVRCHES
These dumbasses don’t even know how to spell.

Cirez D
The “D” is short for “don’t.”

Clairo
Follow the money. Thank me later.

CloZee
Are all of these people members of the same dream-pop trio?

Cola Boyy
All that sugar is bad for you man, switch to tea.

Dave P.
The “P” is short for “piss.”

Deep Dish
Is it delivery or DiGiorno?

Dennis Lloyd
This man lives on a golf course.

Dermot Kennedy
Dorkmot Kennedy

Dillon Francis
Oh cool, EDM’s back.

Diplo
Oh cool, EDM’s back.

DJ Snake
Ok, EDM’s over again.

Dusky
Sigh, another tech house thing probably. Pass.

dvsn
Applied Math is hard.

Easy Life
This is the sound of privilege.

Ella Mai
-O

Emily King
Top 5 haircuts of Coachella 2019.

FISHER
Commercial fishing is terrible for the environment, pass it on.

FKJ
Fuck, Kill, Join in Holy Matrimony.

Four Tet
But what about Five Tet?

Gesaffelstein
Come on it’s got “awful” right in the middle of the name.

Gorgon City
Yeah yeah we’re all into Dungeons and Dragons now, cool guys.

Gryffin
Oh shit, Harry Potter Live!

Gucci Gang
Lol still dunno what’s going on here. Lil Pump x Gucci Mane tape when?

Guy Gerber
A jack swing R&B collective about baby food. We’re in.

Heidi Lawden
The Hills: New Beginnings coming soon.

H.E.R.
Life is too short to waste time coming up with an acronym for this.

Hop Along
We will be staying put, thank you.

Hot Since 82
Ironically this is like the 82nd Coachella he’s played. What the hell.

Hurray for the Riff Raff
Actually it turns out Riff Raff maybe isn’t such a good guy, let’s not cheer him on.

HYUKOH
Guitars are back baby!

Iceage
Sick I hope Ray Romano is gonna be there.

Idris Elba
Wait, what?

J Balvin
We love reggaeton, we love J Balvin, this is chill.

Jaden Smith
What if we really see with our ears and hear with our eyes?

Jain
Rain not gonna like this.

Jambinai
Not a jam band, surprisingly.

Jan Blomqvist
Dude looks exactly what you’d expect someone named Jan Blomqvist to look like. This is simply an observation.

Janelle Monáe
Can’t spell Janel le Monae without Lemon.

Jauz
Look at this guy’s fucking logo.

Javiera Mena
Seems like a nice person. Javiera we wish you the best. Shoutout to Chile.

Jon Hopkins
Literally just…so boring. Please listen to other electronic music jesus christ.

JPEGMAFIA
Wait till he levels up to TIFF files.

Juice WRLD
Goddammit.

Kacey Musgraves
The horse girls will become too powerful.

Kaytranada
The most exciting producer in Canada…is a real big fish/small pond situation.

Kayzo
Heyno.

Kero Kero Bonito
This band met on a message board,,, nerds lol.

Khalid
The kids love him, but kids are idiots. It’s why we don’t let them buy cigarettes or guns or pornography.

Khruangbin
The only reason everyone in this band doesn’t have the same haircut is cause the drummer is bald.

Kid Cudi
*65 minutes of emotional wailing*

King Princess
IRL Goop on Ya Grinch.

Kölsch
Underrated beer tbh.

Las Robertas
Beyoncé and Jay-Z went there once I think.

Lauren Lane
Oh I loved her in The Nanny.

Lee Burridge
For all the tech-bro burnouts who’d rather be on the playa.

Let’s Eat Grandma
Uhhhhhh….. who’d she vote for in ‘16?

Little Simz
Is it too late to make a joke about The Sims expansion pack?

Lizzo
Too posi to make fun of.

Los Tucanes De Tijuana
Their wiki page lists 70 radio hits. So close to being so “nice.”

Mac DeMarco
Over/under on people at this set who bathed properly beforehand is like 4+/-.

Maggie Rogers
She made Pharrell cry once, which I think means you automatically go to hell.

Mansionair
These guys look like they have rich parents. Makes sense.

Men I Trust
Literally none.

Mon Laferte
Mon LaFARTe. Shoutout to Chile.

Mr Eazi
Only good when he’s wearing hats.

Murda Beatz
Can’t wait till he rebrands to Pacifist Tunesmith. This dumbass can’t spell correctly either.

NGHTMRE
Neither can this dumbass.

Nic Fanciulli
Boring techno.

Nicole Moudaber
Boring techno.

Nina Kraviz
скучный техно

Nocturnal Sunshine
The natural enemy of LEN.

Nora En Pure
The set you’ll want to time your ketamine vomiting too.

Ocho Ojos
Honestly you can’t knock psychedelic cumbia. The only band on the lineup from the actual city of Coachella. Saw them play a dive lounge there once and it was dope as hell.

Ookay
Some of these artists need to skip Coachella and go back to spelling school.

Parcels
There’s no way DHL will get them from Berlin in time.

Patrice Bäumel
More k-hole tracks, cool.

Perfume
Y’all didn’t even try with this name.

Playboi Carti
*stuffs an entire PB&J sandwich in mouth and begins to sing along to A$AP Rocky tracks*

Polo & Pan
These guys are every dude at parties who won’t stop singing the merits of a swinger lifestyle even though they’ve only had sex like twice in their lives.

Pusha T
We don’t want to get Adidoned so pass.

RAT BOY
Beans on Toast Father John Misty.

Razorbumps
If symptoms persist, you can use an over-the-counter anti-itch cream.
If symptoms worsen, please for the love of god, just buy a new razor.

Rico Nasty
The way she yells “WOAH KENNYYYYYY” can destroy entire villages. Would rather not fuck with that kind of power.

Rosalía
Call us when that OPN collab hits.

Ross From Friends
Trash character from a trash show. Should’ve been Tommy From Martin.

RÜFÜS DU SOL
Good use of smiley faces

Sabrina Claudio
Didn’t she get Milkshake Ducked or something?

SALES
They look like Hobo Johnson’s Yin and Yang.

Serpentwithfeet
So a lizard?

SG Lewis
Thought this was the Narnia guy for a minute.

Shallou
Not as good as Caillou.

Shame
Agreed.

Sheck Wes
BITCH!

SiR
HeY gUyS I’m ReAlLy ExCiTeD tO PlAy At CoAcHeLla

Smino
cappuccino pellegrino

SOB X RBE
We at Noisey also like acronyms.

Soccer Mommy
Orange slices and capri suns for everyone.

Social House
Smells like content.

SOFI TUKKER
Any relation to SOPHIE?

Solange
If you spell Solange backwards its Egnalos which is a DMV in Brazil. Open 24 hours.

SOPHIE
Please refer to above soffi
(I like your spelling waaaay better)

Soulection
People Also Search For: Majestic Casual. LOL

Steady Holiday
Sounds exhausting.

Stephan Bodzin
Bod-zamnnn.

Still Woozy
But not too woozy to take a nap instead of making music, unfortunately.

Superorganism
Really hate this name.

Tale Of Us
Awful-romance-movie-starring-Rachel-McAdams-and-Ryan-Reynolds ass name.

Tame Impala
More like Lame Impala. More like all their music sounds the Same Impala. More like Coachella should be aShamed Impala for booking them. More like Dumbass Impala.

Tara Brooks
Don’t know anything about them and their name is too regular to pun, so.

The 1975
To quote our good friend Robert Christgau, “I think they suck.”

The Frights
They’re called this because it’s scary how bad they are at music.

The Garden
These boys are as pretty as their music is shitty.

The Interrupters
Yeah, interrupting our good time with their shitty music.

The Messthetics
Skip this set and wait til Thanksgiving when your dad and uncles get drunk and start having a jam session in the garage once the football games are over.

The Red Pears
They’re called apples.

Tierra Whack
She’s good as hell we hope she has a great set.

Tomasa del Real
Shoutout to Chile. Whole lot of Chileans on the lineup this year.

Turnover
What the inventor of music will do in their grave once they find out about this shit.

Turnstile
Fun fact, these guys were voted onto our 2018 year end list but two Noisey editors hate them so much we took them off.

Ty Segall & White Fence
Sy Tegall & Fite Whence

Unknown Mortal Orchestra
Wish they were somehow less known.

U.S. Girls
Couldn’t get City Girls? #FreeJT

Virgil Abloh
Lol, “ naw ”

Walker & Royce
Chuck Norris da 5’9″

Wallows
…in bad music.

Weezer
Cover “Africa.” Also Rivers return Dan’s calls.

Wiz Khalifa
Y’all think he’s gonna smoke weed onstage? Got a feeling he’s gonna smoke some weed onstage.

Yellow Days
Not even worth our effort.

YG
Not sure what he’ll do to us if we make a joke, so no.

Yotto
You Only Toot Turds Once

Yves Tumor
Happy fun dance music for good times with your friends. Go see it, Chad, you’ll love it.

ZeddRemember when he said he didn’t “get” why people like “Mo Bamba”? Yeah, fuck this guy.