We Talked to a Canadian Drug Dealer About the Types of Clients He Has

Other than ducking the whole illegality of the situation and the possibility of being locked up for a long time, being a drug dealer can be a cakewalk of a gig. You get to make your own hours, everyone always wants to invite you to their parties because they know you’ll have the favours in tow, and, let’s face it, you can make a fuckload of profit for a minimal amount of work.

Building a solid clientele of returning, trustworthy customers is key. But dealing with the different personality types of said clients is a completely different, and often trying, aspect of the gig. We spoke to a drug dealer who mainly sells cocaine, weed, and MDMA about the archetypes he deals with on a regular basis while selling in a major Canadian city.

Videos by VICE

Newbies

This person has no fucking clue what they are doing, even struggling to send a simple discreet text (it’s really not that hard, guys, just don’t blatantly mention drugs). Obviously, they aren’t very good at knowing what they want, amateurly opting to use dollar amounts instead of weight or asking, “How much do I need for five people?” In that case, I’m like, “I don’t know, I can do a half-gram of molly in a night, but that doesn’t mean you should.” They struggle not to look like a complete and utter sketchbag when they meet you at an agreed-upon public location. They can’t even do so much as stand properly, somehow managing to look awkward, out-of-place, and overall bait even though it is completely normal for someone to be loitering at a street corner. When you approach them, they carelessly take out their wallet and hand you cash out in the open—though they’re terrified of being caught, they for some reason think this is the right move. The nice thing is they’ll be really polite to you even as you are upcharging them.

Parents

Older people are great because they’ve been smoking weed since like forever. They do it like they do groceries. You can almost set your clock to it: they will come every two weeks or once a month. They’re very flexible and polite as to where they’re going to meet, and they plan in advance. You can tell them not today, but that Thursday will work, and they’re fine with that. Younger people are just not as good at planning. Older customers have a keen understanding that you get what you pay for. They’re not going to be ripped off, but at the same time, they’re not trying to get a good deal because they respect that you’re reliable. Once they’ve found I’m reliable, they’re not going to constantly be asking about what kind of weed I have—they put a lot of trust in me, and they don’t try to fuck with me. In turn, I’m not going to try to fuck with them because you can always count on them to come through. They’re one of my favourites for sure.

EDM Kids

Generally, if anyone is still listening to EDM, they probably just started doing MDMA, and they’re usually university kids. It’s always awkward because they’re like, “Do you party?” And I’m like, “Yeah… I party.” Then they’re like, “Are you going to Solaris?!” They’re always talking about these events and festivals I don’t know (or care) about, and I’m always like, “I don’t know, man, I’ll think about it.” They just listen to awful, awful music and clearly haven’t been in the scene for that long. They’re really turned up and excited about everything, and they’re people I would never hang out with normally, but they’re pretty profitable since they’re so fresh. Generally they want to get a ridiculous amount of MDMA; some will buy 40 caps of M for $400 without asking for a discount.

Finance Bros

These are the dudes who all have some sort of entry-level sales job in finance that they’re really stoked on. They all kind of have this sense of false superiority about you being a drug dealer, and they don’t get that I’d much rather be doing what I’m doing than doing what they’re doing. They’re super obnoxious, and obviously, they’re really into blowing coke.

Perpetual Rookie

Even though they’ve bought off of you for the past eight months, they’re always very specific about when to meet (like between 6:20 and 6:40 PM, but 7 PM is too late), where to meet, and it’s guaranteed to be a headache because they are super fucking needy. I expect these kinds of people to exchange 20 text messages back and forth with me and ask over and over about the quality or type of product I have. They’re under 30, live in the opposite side of the city, and even though they know I won’t come there and I always ask them to meet me somewhere else, they ask me to trek across the city anyway. You just never hit a common understanding with them. It’s like the first time every single time you talk to them.

The Loner

This is the kind of dude who is super eager, lonely, and desperately wants to be your friend. He might have just moved to the city from a small town and doesn’t yet know many people here, so every time you deal with him, he is trying to befriend you. When I come to his condo and sell him a half-ounce of kush, he’ll ask, “Do you want to smoke a joint?” I’ll say no and constantly have to make up excuses as to why I’m in a rush. Then he’ll be like, “Oh, for sure! Next time!” He’ll even sometimes be cooking dinner and ask if I want some chicken tikka masala, and I’m not sure if maybe he was cooking specifically for me as he was waiting for me to come over. He’s so nice, and I have nothing against him, but I dread going over there because I have to turn him down, and it’s kind of sad. It also happens a lot with older gay dudes who are really into coke and ask you to come in for a beer. Just because I make small talk with you because I’m a human being and somewhat polite, it doesn’t mean I’m trying to be your friend.

The Experimentalist

This kind of person hasn’t hit you up in like three months. All you’ve ever sold them is weed, blow, and maybe MDMA once, and out of the blue, they’ll hit you up via text at 2 AM and ask you for Suboxone, a drug used to treat opiate addiction. Other random as fuck requests include: guns, heroin, MDA, meth, Xanax, Adderall. I’ve never sold any of these things, yet with some people, they think it’s cool to come out of literally nowhere and ask for shit. Honestly, when did I ever fucking tell you I had Oxy? Never. It’s always people who are loose-lipped too, and will just openly inquire via text. It’s never people who I see on a regular basis—it’s the type of people who I’ve already cut off because I found them annoying. There’s literally pages of text messages from dudes like this just repetitively asking for the same shit despite me never answering them. If I haven’t answered you back in like six months, just stop texting me.

This interview has been edited for clarity.

Follow Allison Tierney on Twitter.