This Weekend, I Got a Blowjob for the First Time Ever

The Saturday just gone was the day I caught ucky ucky – otherwise known as “head”, “sloppy” or “Boris Johnson” – for the very first time. And goodness me, there were a few surprises.

I’d like to believe I’m a pretty innocent 18-year-old who lives a fairly guiltless life. I don’t really party, I’ve never had a pint, and smoking weed for the first and only time led to the worst day of my life. This makes me one of VICE UK’s most valuable assets, because I’m an un-jaded blank-slate they can test shit out on without me giving them too much cynical backchat.

Actually, now that I come to think of it, the most out-there thing I’ve ever done is probably managing to blag myself a job here in the first place – so maybe you can understand how new I am to all of this shit.

Further proof: I’m also a virgin, and never had I ever come close to getting shines before.

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WATCH: Alhan asking people to explain ‘Love Island’

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For years, I thought receiving head was going to be some crazy experience that would transform me as a person, like landing my first job, or the invention of Incognito browsing. Believe everything you hear and you’d think it’s a genuinely formative experience; the first step on the long road to manhood. With that in mind, I had a few worries I couldn’t shake.

I’m circumcised (hold tight all my convertible dons living life proper), so I was worried that my ~unprotected~ head would reach sensory overload. What if I kept on flinching, eventually freaking out, dashing and leaving them there all alone and confused? Even if it wasn’t as heavenly – or painful – as what I expected, surely I’d just erupt within seconds? Should I watch Stamina Training videos, start practising tantra? Would that help? It was all very confusing and stressful.

Anyway, this weekend it finally happened, and I thought I’d write about the experience – for those of you who’ve forgotten about that anxiety and apprehension, those of you still in its grips, those of you who’ve been on the other side of the ordeal, those of you who didn’t realise guys worry about getting head for the first time, and those of you who just clicked because you saw “blowjob” in the headline. Also, because frankly, there’s just not enough male sex writing out there, and we all know that needs to change.

“Within a split second, it had happened: my dick had entered a mouth.”

I’m currently seeing someone (at the time of writing this article, anyway) who’s given me explicit permission to tell my tale. We’ve been speaking for a few months and we’ve seen each other a few times before. To cut a relatively short story even shorter: my parents are on holiday at the moment, so she came round. There we were in bed, chilling, and before I knew it, it had happened: my dick had entered a mouth.

I was expecting Disneyland, but honestly the only way I could tell anything had happened was by looking. I literally couldn’t feel a mouth on my penis. It literally felt as if my penis was floating in a void. I just felt nothing: emptiness, space. But then, a few seconds later, it went deeper, and it was magical: so peng and warm.

I know this is weird, but I felt kind of bad while it was happening. I was just laying there, with my dick in someone’s mouth. That can’t be all that fun? My mind started to wander – like, actually, how do we know for sure that Earth isn’t actually flat? This, by the way, is in no way down to the girl I’m seeing; she’s super talented. I just felt as if I wasn’t doing enough – almost guilty, like I should have been reciprocating (don’t worry: I did return the favour after; #BocatUnited) – and my thoughts started running away from me.

Mind you, I didn’t have too long to get lost in these thoughts, because before I knew it, man had arrived. And I’ve got to say: I feel like I’ve now finally arrived as a man, too.

Can’t wait until sex – heard it’s great.

@alhan