What Makes A Good Dick Pic?

Dick pics have been around since the rise of the internet in the early ’90s, with the term showing up in a Usenet newsgroup, a predecessor to the likes of Reddit and Discord, in 1993.

As anyone in a long distance or sexually explorative relationship knows, they’re here to stay. The discourse might discourage you from thinking there’s an audience who might actually want to see what you’re packing – but trust me, we’re out here. What’s important is knowing when, why and how to do it right — so that your standing ovation isn’t met with a mid-performance walkout.

Here’s what a bunch of dick pic receivers said works for them:

Liv – “No size comparisons, like… don’t put a water bottle beside it.”

Alex – “If you can film, or take it when you’re cumming, that’s dope.”

Hannah – “Making sure I want to see it.”

Jack – “Big fan of black and white, get those filters right.”

Alice – “I almost never get them, but if I am getting one I want a video.”

Lily – “Don’t send them if you’re only doing it so I send something back.”

Ben – “I like a full frontal, not just the dick. Give me some body.”

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So, it seems like while there isn’t a consensus, there are some general ideas: consent, aesthetics, and motivation.

But there’s gotta be more to it than that, right?

So here’s our attempt at a few crowd-sourced (and well-researched) rules to live be.

THE VICE GUIDELINES:

Dick pics can and should be great and fun and horny when done right. There are no real ‘rules’ (okay one rule), but there are some basic guidelines to follow if you want the person on the other end of the phone to be biting their lip in ecstacy rather than squinting with confusion. So here are some things to consider when you’re taking/sending pics of the goods.

CONSENT

If you don’t have consent to send it, it’s not a dick pic, it’s evidence of harassment. And consent doesn’t mean messaging ‘can I show you my cock’ when you already have a boner in hand.

Take a moment when you’re not already hot and heavy to check if that’s the type of thing the person you’re sending it to is interested in receiving. A simple ‘Is sending you dick pics the type of thing you’re down for?’. If they’re not actively keen, leave it be.

DICK PREP

It should be clean and hard, unless someone has requested otherwise. Hopefully that one’s obvious.

CONTEXT

A picture of your floating boner is not that exciting. Imagine receiving a clinical diagram of a vagina – it’s basically the same, and no one wants to feel like they’re looking at a science textbook when they’re trying to get off. Give the picture some context – your hand, your face, filming or photographing yourself in a mirror. Something that shows THAT IT’S YOU and not just a dismembered member that we could look at on Google.

ENJOYMENT

If someone has asked for the picture then they know what they’re in for. You don’t need to focus on showing your size or otherwise, just on enjoying yourself. Throw a hand in, get moving and make it known you’re sending it because you’re actually having a good time. A blurry pic with a little movement does a much better job of communicating that you’re legitimately in the moment and not hunched over, holding your phone down by your knees to try and get an angle you think makes your dick look ‘better’.

ACCEPTANCE

At the end of the day it’s not a professional photoshoot and, when you’re in the moment, no one is that bothered by how well lit or HD it is. If you’re both consenting, present and enjoying yourselves it’ll show.

Happy cock capturing.

Rachel Barker is a writer/producer at VICE NZ.