What the Hell is Going On In Agnez Monica’s New Music Video?

The best pop songs come from somewhere personal. It’s a musical extension of that whole “write what you know,” advice. For Drake, that means songs about strippers, the 6ix, and how he’s the greatest. For Taylor Swift, it’s shitty boyfriends. For Agnez Monica, it’s making money.

So, of course, Agnez Mo’s directorial debut is for a song called “Long As I Get Paid.” It’s currently number one on YouTube in Indonesia, where it’s garnered more than 4 million views in four days. By any metrics, the video is a wild success. It’s bound to secure her star for another year in Indonesia and land her a bunch more product endorsement deals.

But the video also left me with mixed feelings. On one hand, I’m pretty proud of Agnez Mo. She’s the first Indonesian pop star to “go international” and break into the United States (even if she never scored a hit there, despite Timberland’s help). She looks so damn good that it makes me want to join a gym again. And don’t even get me started on those nails…

Her music, though, is kind of underwhelming, especially this song right here. I get the feeling that Agnez Mo was going for something really grand and over-the-top with this video, but the song (the whole reason you watch a music video in the first place) isn’t all that good. Neither are her pretty awkward dance moves.

I watched this video repeatedly this afternoon and I still can’t decide if I like it or not. It’s left me feeling… well… confused. Like what the hell is going on in this video? What’s the plot? There are so many questions left unanswered.

Like, what’s with the full minute of ocean sounds in the beginning?

Is she the Queen of the South Sea or something? There’s some serious Suzzanna vibes going on here. The intro extends so long into this song that one of my colleagues mistook it for a meditation track. It seriously sounds like those white noise apps that are supposed to help you fall asleep. It’s too damn long, and too damn serene.

Not that her fans care though. One YouTube commenter think they have it figured out, Agnez Mo just “wanted to introduce batik to the international audience!” Yeah. That must be it.

Is it even the sound of the ocean or just Agnez Mo dragging around that super-long robe?

Which is super pretty and probably an easy way to keep your floors clean.

Why is Javanese batik always the go-to way to show someone’s Indonesian roots? Ikat can’t get any love?

I have nothing against batik, especially the amazing batik made Anne Avantie. It’s just that Indonesia is not just Java. Some representation for the rest of the country would be nice to see every once in a while.

Who the hell is this guy supposed to be?

Sorry, let me rephrase that. I know who he is. It’s Brian J. White from Scandal. But who is he supposed to be in this video? Some random hot guy? Her lover? Her employer? All of the above? Is he the one making sure Agnez Mo “gets paid” here?

Oh shit, did he just get possessed?

Is that how Agnez Mo’s getting paid? Magical hypnotism?

OK, so she’s definitely the Queen of the South Sea.

Except this time she emerged from the Pacific Ocean (?) to seduce this dude and steal his mansion. Good on you Agnez Mo. I never thought about it before, but I guess if I was the Queen of the South Sea, I would steal seaside mansions too. Hell, it’s better than drowning men caught wearing green, right? At least in this scenario, I get paid. (See the trend here?)

Can you ever have enough money?

Agnez Mo isn’t satisfied with this just this guy’s fortune. She ends the video beckoning her fans to come hither, presumably to hand over their cash as well. Yes, my queen.

And finally, who wrote a better song about getting paid, Agnez Mo or Rihanna?

I think we all know the answer to this question.