If you’re starting to feel that halfway-through-the-year panic, don’t. It’s still peak summer (how are you dealing with the heat waves?), and we are going to make the absolute most out of every extra hour of daylight and primo sunset we have left before the aliens collapse our entire society. Since y’all love to dissociate the same way we do (retail therapy), let’s do a little exploration into what VICE readers bought this past month to distract themselves from the impending doom of living in a planet-sized microwave.
Last month, VICE readers brought home a rad Gameboy dupe, sex toys for humping and grinding, and swimsuits for trans and non-binary folks. In July, you all get even steamier (and we’re not talkin’ humidity) with penis pumps, male masturbators, and sturdy solid wood bed frames for incognito sexy time. On top of that, readers copped some solid pocket knives (for improving their everyday carry), and SKYN ultra-thin condoms (for elevating their “slutty” everyday carry). In short—this summer you guys are prepared for anything, be it bears, formal events, or hot singles in your area, and we couldn’t be more proud. Let’s get into it.
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Penis Pumps
We were just as surprised as you to learn how incredibly popular penis pumps are, and these two from CalExotics and Jaslak were two top sellers. This hand-powered pump from Pinkcherry has a unique joystick-meets-Captain Hook-esque handle for pumping that we can’t get enough of. Users must be just as fascinated as we are: The pump has a 4.7-star average rating on the site from over 60 reviewers, including one who writes, “It increases [my] length by 1.5 inches […] It’s cool to watch it grow.” If you’re looking for something a little more techy, Jaslak’s vibrating pump is like the “Apple watch of penis pumps,” with six “sucking modes” (including three that are designed to train stamina and three that are intended to be used as a male masturbator). Win, win.
A Togo Sofa dupe on sale
It’s no secret that we’re big into vintage furniture and design—from mirrored cocaine decor to Art Deco interiors, we do our best to keep up on all the trends taking over the interior design conversation. One obsession that just doesn’t seem to quit is centered on Michel Ducaroy’s iconic Togo sofa (and for those who aren’t big-money-balling, it’s many lookalikes). This three-seater doppelgänger from Wayfair has a 4.7-star rating and is currently up to 18% off.
A solid wood bed frame for quiet sex
Looking for a bed frame that won’t squeak during your regularly scheduled trip to Pound Town™ and won’t leave you struggling to make rent next month? Red Barrel Studio’s Sawaris bed frame is just the ticket. It has earned a 4.7-star average rating from over 3,200 reviews on Wayfair, with many praising how easy it is to assemble. As one fan writes, it’s just “[a] super sturdy and beautiful bed.” Wink, wink.
Queen Sawiris Solid Wood Bed (opens in a new window)
Tenga’s male mastrubator
Still using your hand? It’s 2023! Level up your “self-care routine” with the Tenga Spinner—a $25 sex toy that’s putting a new… uh, spin on getting off. Writer Barclay Montrose reviewed the device highlighting the toy’s unique “twisting” sensation that, “may be familiar or may be entirely new, but above all is remarkably pleasurable and effective.”
Hydro Flasks for staying hydrated
If you don’t have a reliable reusable water bottle to keep your bev of choice ice cold (or piping hot) for hours, consider copping one of Hydro Flask’s stainless steel bottles. Designed to keep your cold brew frigid for up to 24 hours and that no-foam extra-hot cap scalding for up to 12, a Hydro Flask is the perfect choice if you’re looking for an alternative to the #WaterTok-staple Stanley tumbler. (Oh, and did we mention that select colors are still on sale on Amazon?)
A super-handy pocket knife
Whether you’re just packing a day bag for the office or literally heading off road, how you set up your everyday carry (often abbreviated to: “EDC”) says a lot about you (and the life you lead). Part of any good EDC is bringing along the right kind of tools, and if all you have to protect and equip yourself against this cruel world is a mini flashlight and your keys, then “Oh no baby what is you doin?” This Craftsman pocket knife was the best seller from our roundup of best pocket knives and multi-tools and is currently on sale for under $13.
Nipple covers for wedding season
Don’t get us wrong, we’re all about having our titties out, but there is a time and place for visible nips—and it’s probably not as a bridesmaid in your friend’s wedding. If you need to cover up those areolas but your attire doesn’t allow for a bra, these pasties from Nippies are foolproof.
An inexpensive Theragun dupe
If you’re not tenderizing your muscles into submission on the regular by now, you’re really missing out. That is definitely true if you’ve yet to experience the sweet relief of a massage gun after a full day of anxiety and stress. What are you waiting for jabroni? This puppy has over 20,000 reviews and is currently on sale for $26.
Ultra-thin latex-free condoms
Do we need to explain this one to you? In summation: SKYN’s best-selling condoms are super thin, lubricated, and latex-free (which is perfect for those with a more-common-than-you-think latex allergy). But don’t just take our word for it, take one of the nearly 40,000 glowing reviews, like one that claims that “these felt the closest to no condom that I have ever used [and] will definitely continue using [them].”
Now get offline and make the most out of August.
The Rec Room staff independently selected all of the stuff featured in this story. Want more reviews, recommendations, and red-hot deals? Sign up for our newsletter.
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