The dark, Google-searching lair of your average Canadian.
After seeing our colleagues in the Netherlands and the UK use Google’s Trends application (a searchable compendium that shows which corners of the world search for particular terms most often) to figure out where their countries’ kinks lie, we decided to examine Canada using the same highly scientific method of data journalism. Google has published web search data from 2004 onwards, but for the purpose of this investigation we only looked at searches made in 2014.
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Below, you will find the results of our exhaustive research, wherein we plugged terms like “anal sex” into Google Trends to find out which provinces and territories had the most “regional interest” in particular topics. Regional interest on Google is decided using a top-secret algorithm that finds out exactly which parts of the country enjoy learning about putting things in their butts the most.
What we came up with at the end of it all is a veritable psychological profile—province by province, territory by territory—that provides a glimpse into the darkest corners of the Canadian psyche.
The results may or may not surprise you.
NORTHWEST TERRITORIES
Most searched for: pussy, porn, fire, teen, tits, free porn, salad, party, winter, expedia
It can get a bit isolating to be in Canada’s great, expansive territories, so it’s no huge surprise that a search for “expedia” to get out in the world would be the most prevalent in the Northwest Territories. It’s also completely within our expectations to see “fire” in the list, given that much of the territory is currently engulfed in forest fire infernos. But to take the top spot on “free porn,” “pussy,” “tits,” and “teen” truly shows that the NWT has a freak flag wider than the highways of Yellowknife to fly for all of Canada to see. Keep on jerkin’ it, NWT!
NOVA SCOTIA
Most searched for: murder, herpes, assassination, big cocks, BDSM, justin trudeau, ISIS, torture
Nova Scotia didn’t rank at the top in our Google Trends searches all that often, but when they did, they sure fucking went for it. First of all, the fact that they were fervently searching for both assassination and murder is a bit off-putting. Especially when you tie in the province’s fascination with torture, BDSM, and the Islamic State of Iraq and Syria. But at least they keep their image somewhat clean by looking up Canada’s favorite teacher-turned-political-leader Justin Trudeau. Although, when combined with the province’s other fascinations, that may not be a good thing.
The reddish sand of PEI, where people search for fairly friendly things.
PRINCE EDWARD ISLAND
Most searched for: weed, penis, torrents, weight loss, vagina, RCMP, shania twain, gay porn, russia, ice cream, depression, hockey, drunk, diarrhea, fitness, fun
Prince Edward Island: land of golden potatoes and the ginger locks of Anne of Green Gables. It’s also where, apparently, people are very concerned with their penises, poop consistency, personal fitness, and depression. Much like PEI itself, nothing here is overly controversial or shocking. Their concerns are quite within the realms of human normalcy, and that’s a good thing! You won’t find assassination trending in PEI, where all you have to do all day is eat potatoes, swim, and boil lobsters. Plus, it’s the hockey-searching capital of the country, which makes it the most pleasantly Canadian spot imaginable. Stay friendly, PEI.
SASKATCHEWAN
Most searched for: beastiality, dubstep, guns, nickelback, fisting, corner gas, residential schools, green poop, beavers, whiskey, ice fishing, strippers, suicide, racism, serial killer, testicles, condoms
Well, this is somewhat disturbing. Not only is Saskatchewan the most engaged in both dubstep and Nickelback, they ranked first in some of our most explicit searches: serial killer, guns, fisting. It also appears that green-tinged poop is most commonly inquired about from the prairies. Judging from this list, the province is also the most engaged in suicide and the depressing Canadian history of our residential schools.
Don’t fret, Saskatchewan. You still have strippers, condoms, and whiskey to keep you going through those long, prairie nights. We’re here for you.
NEWFOUNDLAND
Most searched for: cocaine, anal sex, vodka, hairy, BBW, acoustic guitar, skidoo, hunting, punk, gangbang, tattoos, literature, poetry, constipation, family guy, violence
Everyone knows Newfoundland is really fucking awesome, so we’re not too shocked to see cocaine, anal sex, tattoos, punk, literature, and hunting on their list. Seeing Family Guy and constipation here is a bit unfortunate, sure, but on the whole, Newfoundland’s top trends scream: this place does not give a fuck. Just be sure to eat more fiber before your BBW gangbangs, okay? Oh, and maybe spend a little less time with the acoustic guitar tabs.
Ain’t no party like an Alberta party if you like hot pants, fleshlights, bleeding noses, and racist jokes!
ALBERTA
Most searched for: hot pants, fleshlight, nazis, LSD, pregnant porn, gonorrhea, pipelines, stabbing, black poop, bleeding nose, racist jokes, big butts, gaping, lube, penis enlargement, boob job, fake tits, EDM, snuff, kidnapping, meth
Alberta’s list is arguably the most terrifying. Nazis, pregnant porn, gonorrhea, black poop, and racist jokes? Jesus Christ, Alberta. At least you keep things light here and there with hot pants and EDM, but for the most part, the most violent inquiries charted really high in Alberta. Albertans also don’t seem to mind the anatomical enhancements of their fellow cowboys and cowgirls, given the popularity of penis enlargements and boob jobs. But the next time any of you non-Albertans visit the province, protect ya neck. Or, at the very least get some silicon blasted in you and learn a racist joke or two so you can camouflage yourself in a tense situation.
NEW BRUNSWICK
Most searched for: fart, crossfit, maple syrup, deepthroat, lesbian porn, amateur porn, mature porn, theft
Not only do New Brunswickers love the functional fitness obtained from a strenuous crossfit workout, they’re also super into regular people doing it on camera. New Brunswick also has a lot of older people looking for mature porn, or perhaps the people of NB can appreciate some older people banging each other on video. We’re not sure why theft ranked so high in NB, but it seems like people are more concerned with deepthroating and maple syrup to really let the fear of having their shit stolen bother them too much.
BRITISH COLUMBIA
Most searched for: feces, MDMA, rave, gangster, heroin, hangover cure, NSA, booze, gin, knives, vegan, breast reduction, rock climbing, bitcoin, ayahuasca, dominatrix, science, meditation
It sure does seem like British Columbia likes to party, what with all the drug, hangover, and booze searches trending in the land of the mountains and the hippies. Given that ayahuasca, rock climbing, and vegan made the list as well, Trends has reaffirmed what we always knew: BC is the place to go if you want to connect with nature, hallucinate excessively, and climb a rock face.
It’s also interesting to see that the NSA ranks highest here—the people of BC must have a lot to hide, given their extreme interest in dominatrixes (who they presumably pay in bitcoin) and feces.
The prince of Ontario. via Flickr.
ONTARIO
Most searched for: drake, justin bieber, hoser, escort service, black jokes, how to murder, ashley madison, asian jokes, stephen harper, police brutality, small cocks, CSIS, interracial, tequila, autopsy photos, liberal party, NDP, conservative party, election, philosophy, panic attack, seeking arrangement
Boring ol’ Ontario keeps it predictable with their unquenchable thirst to learn more about the pop stars it coughed up from its puritanical gut. Despite siring international pop stars, Ontario’s inferiority complex stands firm, as evidenced by its abiding interest in small cocks.
Plus, it’s not that surprising to see so many Canadian politics searches rank high in the country’s most populated province. But there’s also a ton of darkness under the veneer of pop and parliamentary relations… How to murder?! Autopsy photos?! Ontario has some twisted and curious individuals.
It also seems like Ontario likes to cheat, find sugar daddies, and pay for sex since Ashley Madison, Seeking Arrangement, and escort services are all trending in the Big O.
That must be where the prevalence of panic attacks come from.
MANITOBA
Most searched for: poison, rick mercer, overdose, twerking, falafel, gangs, skateboarding, graffiti, stan, rough sex, sniper
Truly bizarre list, here. Not only is the province engaged in satan, gangs, and graffiti, but Manitobans also really love to execute flawless kickflips and have rough sex. Unfortunately for Canadian TV personality Rick Mercer—he’s popped up in the Manitoban mayhem right alongside twerking and falafel. Evidently, people in Manitoba have a really dark edge; but they also love garlicly wraps made with deep-fried balls of chickpeas! So there’s some balance.
QUEBEC
Most searched for: poutine, limp bizkit, golden shower, hallucination, mafia, fail compilation, jogging, masturbation, deep web, prison
Evidently, Quebec loves poutine and rap-rock. But besides that, they’re also the most engaged with the murky world of the deep web—where Silk Road, the internet’s most infamous black market, was born. In what may be a related search, queries for prison also rank high in la belle province, where people are also into peeing on each other, organized crime, flicking their bean, and watching people fail on camera. As if that wasn’t enough, the people of Quebec are also the most into hallucinating.
The Yukon is a gorgeous, yoga-loving place.
YUKON
Most searched for: gold, mining, fishing, math, yoga, art, flights, travel
The Yukon is a gorgeous Canadian territory blessed with unbelievable nature and a very artsy population. That’s why we’re not surprised to see fishing, yoga, and art all trending in Yukon. Doesn’t this list make it seem like a paradise? Well, maybe. People there also seem like they want to leave pretty badly—with flights and travel ranking high. It’s also not surprising to see the history of the gold rush rank high in the Yukon. Overall though, the people of YT have the most pleasant searches in the country. Nice one, Yukoners!
NUNAVUT
Most searched for: nunavut
Sigh. Nunavut didn’t make the list with any of our inquiries, except for a vanity search of the territory itself. Care more about Nunavut, Canada! Just because they only joined the confederation party in 1999 doesn’t mean you need to ignore them. Here’s hoping to different results in 2015.
That said, if you look at the Google Trends data from 2004-now, rather than just 2014, Nunavut ranks #1 for searches of “pussy.”
