What’s Gone On This Week: Everyone’s Lost it, Basically

Welcome to “Pub Notes”, a new column where NEO – AKA @WELCOME_ZIDANE – spoon-feeds you opinions about the three biggest UK stories of the week, so you don’t miss any heated debates down the pub or around the coffee table at 4AM tomorrow.

PRINCE CHARLES WON’T SPEAK OUT AS KING BECAUSE HE’S “NOT THAT STUPID”

What’s the problem?

SEVERAL NEWSPAPERS, DEPRESSINGLY, LEAD ON THE STORY THAT PRINCE CHARLES HAS LAID OUT HIS PLAN FOR HIS FUTURE AS MONARCH, STATING HE WILL NO LONGER CONTINUE HIS CAMPAIGNING ROLE.

MANY PEOPLE – AND WHEN I SAY PEOPLE, I MEAN CUNTS WHO EMPLOY NANNIES – HAVE BEEN CONCERNED ABOUT THE PRINCE OF WALES STRAYING INTO THE POLITICAL ARENA. SO THEY WILL BE REASSURED BY THIS ADMISSION.

BEST TO REMEMBER THE PRINCE OF WALES IS A MAN WHO ONCE “SHRIEKED” AND “TREMBLED” AT THE SIGHT OF AN UNKNOWN FORCEFIELD COVERING HIS DINNER, WHICH TURNED OUT TO BE CLING FILM.

THIS MAN NOT SPEAKING ABOUT ANYTHING IS POTENTIALLY VERY GOOD.

Where’s the problem?

THE UK.

Oh god, what now?

AS AN AVID CAMPAIGNER FOR DECADES ABOUT TOUGH ISSUES LIKE ARCHITECTURE, HOMEOPATHY AND THE SLAUGHTERING OF BADGERS, HIS SILENCE IS NOT WORRYING.

EVEN GIVEN HIS PASSION FOR SPEAKING OUT ABOUT CLIMATE CHANGE – STATING THAT HUMANS’ CONTINUED FAILURE TO LIVE HARMONIOUSLY WITH PLANET “WILL BE CATASTROPHIC” FOR FUTURE GENERATIONS – THIS COMES FROM SOMEONE WHOSE FAMILY GET TO COUNT HELICOPTERS AND PRIVATE JETS AS PUBLIC INFRASTRUCTURE.

THE ONE TIME HE EVEN CAME CLOSE TO A NORMAL HUMAN TRAVEL EXPERIENCE IS WHEN HE FLEW “CLUB CLASS” WITH BRITISH AIRWAYS. IT EVEN INSPIRED CHARLES TO WRITE IN A JOURNAL: “SUCH IS THE END OF EMPIRE. I SIGHED TO MYSELF.”

Jesus Christ why do they keep doing stuff like this?

WITHOUT THE CLASS SYSTEM, THE ENGLISH ESTABLISHMENT WOULD FALL APART AT THE SEAMS. SO THIS WILL EVENTUALLY REQUIRE ASKING GOD TO SAVE A MAN WHO HAS HIS SHOELACES FRESHLY PRESSED EACH MORNING.

Will I be OK?

MOST LIKELY.

OK, so if I’m OK, who won’t be?

THE CUNTS ACROSS THE COMMONWEALTH REALM WHO’LL HAVE TO REISSUE ALL MONEY WITH CHARLE’S MUG ON IT WHEN THE QUEEN KICKS THE BUCKET.

Could this have been prevented with some intelligent long-term planning or social philosophy?

A WORKERS REVOLUTION POSSIBLY, BUT THEN AGAIN, YOU SIMPLY MUST “KNOW YOUR PLACE” IN BRITAIN.

Can I blame the conservative people for this?

THIS IS WHOM THE CONSERVATIVES SPEND THEIR ENTIRE LIVES TRYING TO BE LIKE.

THERESA MAY AND ‘THE GRENFELL SIX’

What’s the problem?

THE DAILY MAIL ARE CALLING THEM ‘THE GRENFELL SIX’, A HOMAGE TO ‘BIRMINGHAM SIX’, NO DOUBT. EXCEPT INSTEAD OF BEING FALSELY CONVICTED OF A PUB BOMBING SIMPLY FOR BEING IRISH, THESE WERE A GROUP OF ENGLISH PEOPLE WHO BUILT AN EFFIGY OF THE GRENFELL TOWER, WHERE 72 PEOPLE WERE KILLED, BURNT IT, FILMED IT, SHARED IT AND THEREFORE OSTRACISED THEMSELVES FROM PUBLIC LIFE FOR A CONSIDERABLE AMOUNT OF TIME.

FOOTAGE RELEASED THIS WEEK SHOWED A GRENFELL TOWER EFFIGY, COMPLETE WITH CARDBOARD ETHNIC MINORITIES, BEING BURNT ON A BONFIRE.

THE VIDEO, IF YOU HAVEN’T SEEN IT, IS A TRULY DISHEARTENING WATCH.

THERE ARE MANY DETESTABLE MOMENTS;

THE MOCK CRIES OF “HELP ME! HELP ME!”

WHEN ONE OF THE CARD CUT-OUTS WITH A NIQAB CATCHES FLAME, A MAN SHOUTS “ALL THE LITTLE NINJAS GETTING IT AT THE MINUTE.”

AT THE CLIMAX SOMEONE QUIPS, “THAT’S WHAT HAPPENS WHEN THEY DON’T PAY THEIR RENT.”

THE LEVEL OF IGNORANCE IS STAGGERING BUT THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN THE WELL OF PUBLIC CONSCIOUSNESS HAS BEEN POISONED THIS MUCH FOR SO LONG. IT SERVES AS A TESTAMENT TO THE BRITISH RIGHT-WING MEDIA’S CONTINUED INFLUENCE OVER THIS COUNTRY: THEY’VE GENUINELY GOT THEIR AUDIENCE TO HATE PEOPLE FOR BURNING TO DEATH.

Where’s the problem?

ENGLAND.

Oh god, what now?

WHISLT UNDENIABLY A DEPLORABLE ACT, IT DID LEAVE SOME PEOPLE WONDERING ABOUT THE AUTHORITIES TAKING DECISIVE ACTION AGAINST THE PEOPLE WHO’VE BURNT AN EFFIGY, WHILE THE PEOPLE RESPONSIBLE FOR THE GRENFELL TOWER FIRE ITSELF HAVEN’T FACED ANY REPERCUSSIONS.

Jesus Christ why do they keep doing stuff like this?

ACCORDING TO AN INVESTIGATION BY THE TIMES, THE FIRM HIRED TO TEST CLADDING IN THE AFTERMATH OF THE GRENFELL TOWER, UNDER THE TERMS OF ITS CONTRACT, WAS TOLD IT MUST NOT CREATE “ADVERSE PUBLICITY” OR “EMBARRASS” THERESA MAY OR THE GOVERNMENT.

HOWEVER, THIS DIDN’T JUST APPLY TO ONE FIRM. IT EMERGED THERE ARE MORE THAN 300 COMPANIES AND 40 CHARITIES GAGGED FROM VOICING PUBLIC DISPROVAL AS PART OF DEALS WORTH £25BN TO THE TAXPAYER.

LABOUR MP DAVID LAMMY ACCUSED THERESA MAY OF “UNFORGIVABLE COWARDICE” AND STATED THAT IF SHE RESPECTED THE 72 THAT HAD DIED SHE WOULD “LET FIRMS FOLLOW THE TRUTH WHEREVER IT LED”.

WHEN HUNDREDS OF COMPANIES AND DOZENS OF CHARITIES CONTRACTED TO THE GOVERNMENT – WHO KNOW BETTER THAN ANYONE HOW GOVERNMENT’S POLICIES ARE ADVERSELY AFFECTING PEOPLE – ARE UNABLE TO VOICE THEIR OPINION IN PUBLIC, IT’S NO WONDER SCENES LIKE THIS HAPPEN.

Will I be OK?

MOST LIKELY.

OK, so if I’m OK, who won’t be?

LIKE ALWAYS, IT WILL BE THE WORST OFF IN SOCIETY AND THOSE AFFECTED BY TRAGEDY.

Could this have been prevented with some intelligent long-term planning or social philosophy?

EVERYONE WOULD DO WELL TO FOLLOW LIVERPOOL’S ADMIRABLE STANCE OF BOYCOTTING RIGHT-WING NEWSPAPERS LIKE THE S*N.

I REMEMBER ENGLAND ONCE HUNG AN EFFIGY OF DAVID BECKHAM IN A SARONG FROM A LAMPPOST AFTER THEIR EXIT FROM THE 1998 WORLD CUP. THIS IS THE ONLY FORM OF ACCEPTABLE ENGLISH EFFIGY.

Can I blame the conservative people for this?

THE UK GOVERNMENT IS CONSERVATIVE.

THE MEN RESPONSIBLE FOR GRENFELL TOWER EFFIGY ARE REPORTED REGULARS OF THE LOCAL CONSERVATIVE CLUB IN SOUTH NORWOOD.

I’M SAYING YES.

MID-TERM ELECTIONS AND TRUMP’S CLASSIC JERK ACT

What’s the problem?

TRUMP FIRED HIS ATTORNEY GENERAL JEFF SESSIONS FOR REFUSING TO OVERSEE THE INVESTIGATION INTO THE ALLEGED RUSSIAN INTERVENTION IN THE 2016 PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION.

TRUMP THEN TURNED ON CNN’S CHIEF WHITE HOUSE CORRESPONDENT, JIM ACOSTA, WHO CHALLENGED THE PRESIDENT ON WHETHER HE WAS “WORRIED” ABOUT RUSSIA’S ALLEGED INTERFERENCE, AS WELL AS TRUMP’S USE OF THE WORD “INVASION” REGARDING A MIGRANT CARAVAN HEADING TO THE US FROM CENTRAL AMERICA.

THIS SERVED AS THE TIPPING POINT WHERE TRUMP SIMPLY COULDN’T BE ARSED ANYMORE AND REPEATEDLY TOLD ACOSTA “THAT’S ENOUGH” AND “PUT DOWN THE MIC” LIKE ME AT THE TELLY WHEN JOOLS HOLLAND IS ON.

THE WHITE HOUSE THEN BARRED ACOSTA, AS PRESS SECRETARY SARAH HUCKABEE SANDERS SAID, FOR “PLACING HIS HANDS” ON A YOUNG FEMALE WHITE HOUSE AIDE WHO ATTEMPTED TO TAKE A MICROPHONE AWAY FROM THE JOURNALIST.

HUCKABEE SANDERS THEN TWEETED A DOCTORED VIDEO OF THE INCIDENT, WHICH APPARENTLY SPEEDS UP ACOSTA’S HAND MOVEMENT TO MAKE IT LOOK MORE AGGRESSIVE, WHILST MUTING OUT THE AUDIO WHERE ACOSTA SAYS, “PARDON ME, MA’AM.”

WHICH IS ALSO RATHER CURIOUSLY ONE OF THE FIRST TIMES ANYONE WITHIN THE TRUMP ADMINISTRATION HAS TAKEN A WOMEN’S SIDE ON ANYTHING.

MANY PEOPLE HAVE SAID TRUMP’S DISPLAY WAS A SIGN OF HIM UNRAVELLING, WHEN IN REALITY THIS IS A TACTIC HE’S EMPLOYED SINCE HE RAN FOR PRESIDENT AND HIS REACTIONARY SUPPORTERS THRIVE OFF IT. SO EXPECT LOTS MORE OF IT IN THE FUTURE.

Where’s the problem?

THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA.

Oh god, what now?

WHILE THE MID-TERM ELECTION RESULTS DID FALL SHORT OF THE “BLUE WAVE” LOTS OF AMERICANS HAD BEEN HOPING FOR, WITH REPUBLICANS EXPANDING THEIR MAJORITY IN THE SENATE, THE DEMOCRATS DID WIN THE HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES, WHICH MEANS DEMOCRATS CAN NOW SET THEIR OWN AGENDA IN THE HOUSE, WHILE BEING ABLE TO BLOCK THE PRESIDENT’S.

ANTICS ASIDE, IT WAS ACTUALLY AN IMPORTANT WEEK IN AMERICAN POLITICS AS THERE WERE A SIGNIFICANT NUMBER OF FIRSTS FOR WOMEN, MINORITIES AND LGBT+ CANDIDATES IN THE MID-TERM ELECTIONS, TO WHOM MY ADVICE WOULD BE “TIME TO CRACK SOME FUCKING SKULLS IN WASHINGTON.”

Jesus Christ why do they keep doing stuff like this?

I THNK THE MANIC STREET PREACHERS PUT IT BEST IN 1994 WHEN THEY SAID “IFWHITEAMERICATOLDTHETRUTHFORONEDAYIT’SWORLDWOULDFALLAPART”

Will I be OK?

MOST LIKELY.

OK, so if I’m OK, who won’t be?

WOMEN, THE POOR AND MINORITIES.

I DO HOWEVER FEEL, FROM THE AMOUNT OF FIRSTS WITNESSED AT THESE MID-TERMS, THAT SOCIAL MEDIA IS HELPING AMERICA BECOME A FAIRER, BETTER REPRESENTED PLACE, AND SLOWLY THE PIECES OF SHIT WHO CURRENTLY RUN IT WON’T GO COMPLETELY UNCHALLENGED. SO THERE IS HOPE.

Could this have been prevented with some intelligent long-term planning or social philosophy?

MOST LIKELY IF THE DEMOCRATS JUST OFFERED A BETTER OPTION THAN HILARY CLINTON FOR PRESIDENT.

Can I blame the conservative people for this?

OF COURSE.

@WELCOME_ZIDANE