Welcome to “Pub Notes”, a column where NEO – AKA @WELCOME_ZIDANE – spoon-feeds you opinions about the three biggest UK stories of the week, so you don’t miss any heated debates down the pub or around the coffee table at 4AM tomorrow.
PIERS MORGAN IS ENGAGED IN A CULTURE WAR WITH VEGANS OVER A SAUSAGE ROLL
GREGGS HAS LAUNCHED A NEW VEGAN SAUSAGE ROLL TO MUCH FANFARE. IT IS “LITERALLY FLYING OFF THE SHELVES” ACCORDING TO THEIR CHIEF EXECUTIVE, ROGER WHITESIDE, WHICH IF TRUE WOULD MAKE ME QUESTION WHAT THE FUCK IS IN THEM. BRITAIN’S BIGGEST BAKERY CHAIN HAS BEEN UNABLE TO KEEP UP WITH DEMAND AND HAS BEEN TAKEN BY SURPRISE OVER THE POPULARITY OF THE PRODUCT AND THE LEVEL OF PUBLICITY IT HAS RECEIVED. THE £1 ROLLS WERE LAUNCHED IN 950 OF GREGGS’ 1,950 SHOPS AND RAPIDLY SOLD OUT. THE RELEASE HAS COINCIDED WITH “VEGANUARY”, A GROWING MOVEMENT THAT ENCOURAGES PEOPLE TO EMBRACE PLANT-BASED DIETS DURING JANUARY. THINK “MOVEMBER”, BUT NOT FOR UNBEARABLE CHINO CUNTS.
Videos by VICE
WHILE THE MERE MENTION OF “VEGAN” IS LIKE A WAR-HORN TO THE ALT-RIGHT TO POST AS MANY GOOGLE IMAGES OF BACON AS THEY CAN FIND, THE SAUSAGE ROLL HAS PROBABLY GOT PIERS MORGAN TO PARTIALLY THANK FOR ITS HUGE #IMPACT. HE TOOK TO TWITTER TO SLAG OFF THE PRODUCT BEFORE “THROWING UP” THE ROLL INTO A BUCKET WHEN HE TASTED IT ON ‘GOOD MORNING BRITAIN’. THIS SORT OF SHIT INEVITABLY PAIRED WITH GREGGS’ BANTERFUL INTERACTION WITH MORGAN WENT VIRAL, WHICH SOME PEOPLE ARE SAYING IS A CYNICALLY PLOTTED PUBLICITY STUNT BECAUSE THEY’VE BOTH WORKED WITH THE SAME PR COMPANY AT SOME POINT.
PIERS MORGAN IS ESSENTIALLY JEREMY CLARKSON WITHOUT A SUCCESSFUL CAR SHOW, SO HE HAS TO PLY HIS TRADE ON MORNING TELEVISION. A GOOD RULE OF THUMB I FIND WITH BRITISH MEDIA PERSONALITIES IS THAT IF THEY LOOK LIKE THE SORT OF CUNT WHO’D BASH OUT A NUMBER THREE TO A PICTURE OF WINSTON CHURCHILL: SIMPLY IGNORE THEM. PIERS GETTING “OWNED” ONLINE BY GREGGS IS AKIN TO HIS MATE DONALD TRUMP BEING CALLED A “COCKWOMBLE” BY ANDY PARSONS. THESE GUYS LIVE TO BE OWNED, IT’S THEIR BREAD AND BUTTER.
I HOPE FOR THE REST OF THE YEAR WE CAN ALL IGNORE GIANT CORPORATIONS ONLINE AND THEIR “WE ARE PEOPLE TOO” SCHTICK. THE VERY IDEA OF HAVING SOME CUNT WHO HAS HONED HIS CRAFT AT THE LADBIBLE FOR A SIX-FIGURE SALARY CROWBARRING IN MEMES AND DEAD PATTER TO CELEBS ON BEHALF OF PIZZA HUT SHOULD BE ENOUGH MOTIVATION FOR US ALL TO LOOK THE OTHER WAY IN 2019.
FIRST WORLD COUNTRY, THE UNITED KINGDOM, NEEDS A ‘MINISTER FOR HUNGER’
FOOD INSECURITY IS NOW SO BAD THAT THE HOUSE OF COMMONS’ ENVIRONMENTAL AUDIT COMMITTEE WANTS TO SEE AN APPOINTMENT OF A NEW MINISTER WITH “RESPONSIBILITY AND ACCOUNTABILITY FOR COMBATING HUNGER AND FOOD INSECURITY WITHIN THE UK”. WHILE IT DOES SOUNDS LIKE THE UK IS CURRENTLY GETTING ITS POLITICAL IDEAS FROM A CURSED HARRY POTTER X 1984 FAN FICTION, THIS IS IN FACT REAL AND SHOWS HOW SEVERE POVERTY HAS BECOME IN THIS COUNTRY.
THE CROSS-PARTY COMMITTEE ACCUSED THE GOVERNMENT OF “TURNING A BLIND EYE” TO HUNGER AND TREATING ISSUES AS “OVERSEAS”, DESPITE EVIDENCE SHOWING THAT THE UK HAS ONE OF THE WORST LEVELS OF FOOD INSECURITY IN EUROPE. “FIRST WORLD” BRITAIN HAS SUCH A HIGH RATE OF MALNUTRITION THAT ONE IN FIVE CHILDREN HAVE LIMITED ACCESS TO FOOD “DUE TO LACK OF MONEY OR OTHER RESOURCES”. ACCORDING TO ONE HEAD TEACHER OF A SCHOOL IN MORECAMBE, SOME CHILDREN ARE EVEN “EATING FROM SCHOOL BINS“.
CUTS TO SOCIAL CARE, DELAYS TO BENEFITS AND SANCTIONS RELATED TO UNIVERSAL CREDIT ARE HIGHLIGHTED AS KEY DRIVERS OF HUNGER, AND IT WAS POINTED OUT THAT FOOD BANK USAGE IS INCREASING BY MORE THAN HALF IN AREAS WHERE UC IS ROLLED OUT.
JUNIOR WORK AND PENSIONS MINISTER JUSTIN TOMLINSON SAID THE NEW BENEFIT OFFERS “PERSONALISED, TAILORED SUPPORT, HELPING GET THE MONEY TO THE MOST VULNERABLE PEOPLE IN SOCIETY, WHICH THEN LEADS INTO TACKLING THE ISSUE OF FOOD INSECURITY”. BUT THE REPORT WAS CRITICAL IN ITS RESPONSE TO THE NORTH SWINDON MP SAYING, “WE FIND THE MINISTER’S OPTIMISM ABOUT THE UNIVERSAL CREDIT SYSTEM TO BE MISGUIDED AND ILL-JUDGED.”
CHILD POVERTY ACTION GROUP’S CHIEF EXECUTIVE, ALISON GARNHAM, SAID, “WE ALREADY HAVE A MINISTER RESPONSIBLE FOR OUR SOCIAL SECURITY SYSTEM, WHICH, ON ANY BASIC UNDERSTANDING OF ITS ROLE, IS MEANT TO PREVENT POVERTY, DESTITUTION AND HUNGER IN THIS COUNTRY.”
IN LIGHT OF THE OVERWHELMING AMOUNT OF REPORTS AND FINDINGS FROM CHARITIES, THINK-TANKS, COMMITTEES AND THE UNITED NATIONS ABOUT HOW THIS GOVERNMENT’S MINISTERS ARE FAILING TO RECOGNISE OR RESPOND TO ANY OF THESE ISSUES, I HIGHLY DOUBT THAT HAVING ANOTHER ONE “FOR HUNGER” IS GOING TO CHANGE FUCK ALL. WE ALREADY CREATED A “MINISTER FOR BREXIT” AND WE MAY AS WELL HAVE SENT A RADIO-CONTROLLED FART MACHINE FROM ARGOS TO NEGOTIATE WITH THE EU. SOME PEOPLE SAY THE GOVERNMENT DOESN’T UNDERSTAND THE EXTENT OF THE PROBLEM, BUT THAT’S GIVING THEM TOO MUCH CREDIT. THEY SIMPLY DON’T CARE.
GENITAL ROT HAS EVOLVED
2019 HAS ONLY JUST BEGUN AND WE’VE ALREADY GOT “SUPER-GONORRHOEA” TO CONTEND WITH. HYPHENATED STRENGTH STIS WITHIN THE FIRST FORTNIGHT, FOR FUCK SAKE. AS IF YOUR GENITALS LOOKING LIKE THE EYE OF SAURON WASN’T ENOUGH TO DEAL WITH, THESE SUPER-STRAINS OF “THE CLAP” ARE GETTING INCREASINGLY MORE DIFFICULT TO TREAT. THIS NEWS COMES AFTER TWO WOMEN IN THE UK HAVE BEEN INFECTED WITH THE “SUPER-GONORRHOEA”, SPARKING DEEP CONCERN FROM SEXUAL HEALTH DOCTORS. WHILE BOTH WOMEN HAVE SINCE BEEN CURED OF THEIR INFECTIONS, THE PROBLEM LIES IN THAT THIS STRAIN IS RESISTANT TO THREE OF THE KEY DRUGS USED TO TREAT IT, AND THEIR SPREAD UNDERLINES THE RISK OF BACTERIA THAT ARE IMPERVIOUS TO ANTIBIOTICS. DR OLWEN WILLIAMS, PRESIDENT OF THE BRITISH ASSOCIATION FOR SEXUAL HEALTH AND HIV, SAID, “WE ARE DEEPLY CONCERNED BY THESE NEW DEVELOPMENTS.”
ONE OF THE WOMEN WAS INFECTED IN MAINLAND EUROPE, WHILE THE OTHER ACQUIRED THE INFECTION IN THE UK, BUT THE CASE HAD “STRONG LINKS” TO A EUROPEAN “PARTY DESTINATION”, SAY HEALTH OFFICIALS. WHICH I’M SURE HAS SOME BREXITEERS SHADOW BOXING UPON READING. SYMPTOMS INCLUDE SIGNS LIKE GREEN AND YELLOW DISCHARGE, BUT VAGINAL AND RECTAL INFECTIONS OFTEN HAVE NO SYMPTOMS AND, IF LEFT UNTREATED, INFECTION CAN LEAD TO INFERTILITY, PELVIC INFLAMMATORY DISEASE AND BE PASSED ON TO A CHILD DURING PREGNANCY. DR HELEN FIFER, A PHE CONSULTANT MICROBIOLOGIST, SAID, “THE BEST WAY TO PROTECT YOURSELF IS TO ALWAYS USE CONDOMS.”
I FEEL, AS A CIVILISATION, WE ARE ALWAYS TRYING TO DESTROY OURSELVES, SO I FOR ONE WILL NOT LAY THE BLAME PURELY AT THE FEET OF THE SHAGGERS. IF IT’S NOT THE ENVIRONMENT OR PLASTICS, IT’S US SMASHING ANTIBIOTICS FOR DECADES WHEN WE’VE HAD THE SNIFFLES. I’M PROCLAIMING 2019 AS THE YEAR OF THE “SUPERBUG” RETURNING. HAVING SEEN SO MANY POST-APOCALYPTIC FILMS GROWING UP, I ALWAYS WONDERED IF THE END OF HUMANKIND WOULD INVOLVE SOME NUCLEAR CATASTROPHE OR RISING SEA LEVELS OR SOME ‘MAD MAX’-TYPE SURVIVALISM, BUT IN LIGHT OF RECENT EVENTS I’VE REVISITED MY EXPECTATIONS. WE’RE ALL GOING TO END UP DYING ON THE SHITTER LIKE ELVIS.
