What’s the Best Kind of Gun to Conceal Inside Your Ladyparts?

Would you like to put this inside your vagina? You might, if you’re Jennifer McCarthy

Hey, did you hear the one about Jennifer McCarthy, the ex-wife of famous author Cormac McCarthy, who pulled a gun out of her vagina during an argument she was having with her boyfriend about aliens? Via the Wire:

“According to the Albuquerque Journal, McCarthy reportedly stormed out during a fight over extraterrestrial life with her unnamed boyfriend and then returned with a plan for vengeance. The police report describes how she went to her bedroom, dressed up in lingerie, put the gun in a place no guns should go, then somehow performed an unspecified sex act with the gun insider her. Naturally, that was just a prelude to pulling the gun out, pointing it at her boyfriend, and asking the presumably rhetorical question “Who is crazy, you or me?”

Anonymous boyfriend took the gun away and dropped it in the toilet. McCarthy then took it back, so he just threw it in the trash.”

There are a lot of questions left unanswered by this story, which is a real thing that happened in New Mexico and has been picked up by many well-respected media outlets. Question 1: What kind of argument about aliens was it? Were they debating whether aliens exist, whether they had visited Earth, or was it a more abstract discussion about the Drake Equation? Question 2: The sex act has got to be a blowjob, right? Or was she, like, using the gun on herself? (UPDATE 1/9: According the the police report, she “started to have inner course” with the gun.) Question 3: Are the two of them still a coupe? Question 4: Was it all the way up in there, or did she just sort of rest the barrel inside herself?

Most importantly, what the heck kind of gun did she have that she could fit into her womanhood? Putting aside juvenile jokes about Ms. McCarthy’s unmentionables being especially loose or wide or whatever, vaginas just aren’t very big. What sort of firearm could she have been packing, and if you’re a lady who has decided that vaginal conceal-carry is right for you, what’s the best gun to purchase? Here are a few options:

North American Arms Mini Revolver 22 LR 1 1/8“

Say hello to my little friend! Ha ha, that was just some “pulling a gun out of my vagina” humor there, sorry. Seriously, this weapon is marketed as “the most famous tiny pistol in the world,” and with that laminated rosewood finish on the grip, it’s easy to see why. More importantly, it’s just under two and a half inches high and four inches long, meaning that you don’t have to be Galactus, Devourer of Worlds down there to fit it in.

Sig P238 380 ACP, Pearl Grips, Black Multi-Tone Finish

We found this beauty of a gem online for $729.99, so it’s no bargain, but for a respectable woman of means, there’s no reason the gun that she pulls out of her vagina to settle an argument about aliens or end a tedious dinner party conversations shouldn’t be every bit as classy as the rest of her outfit. The polished, engraved slide and the pearl white grips will be appreciated by whoever is unlucky enough to get a look at this piece, and though it might be a bit tricky to get the 3.9-inch height in, every good woman knows that some things are worth the effort.

Walther PPK

This is an ideal option to place inside a woman’s private parts because it’s the preferred firearm for English superspy James Bond, who could certainly be considered an expert in the female anatomy. It was also the gun Adolf Hitler used to shoot himself, so it could be a great conversation starter, though taking a gun out of your vagina is already a pretty good way to get people talking. The PPK is popular because of its relatively small size, which allows it to be concealed easily by undercover law enforcement agents. Just because you’re not officially a cop or a spy, however, doesn’t mean you can’t pretend to be one while jamming this guy inside you.

The Ruger LCP Pistol

Besthandgunsforwomen.com, which is a real site, says that this baby is “perfect for very tight situations,” and they’re not wrong, if the tight situation they’re referring to is your nether regions. It’s lightweight and has a “Dovetailed, high-visibility three-dot sight system with windage-adjustable rear sight and fixed front sight,” which sounds good, doesn’t it? It’s slightly larger than some of the other guns on this list at six inches long and 4.5 inches high, so it’s definitely for the “advanced” gun-vagina stuffers out there.

FN Baby Browning

What could be a more appropriate device to conceal in your babymaker than the Baby Browning? This famous, revolutionary tiny pistol hasn’t been produced in decades, but if you’re a lover of antique weapons, the classic 1927 design is easy on the eyes—and the four-inch barrel is easy on the you-know-what (the vagina).