What’s the Last Thing You’d Put in Your Mouth?

People put weird stuff in their mouths. It’s a fact. As children we’re all about bugs and sand, then as young teens it’s all about milk/sausage/vegemite combos to prove we’re the funniest and the coolest. And then later in life it gets sexual, but still the pattern has always been to put weird shit in our mouths.

But what’s the limit? What’s the one thing that you’d never put in your mouth, regardless of how much money you were being paid? We’d always wanted to know, so we asked some people around Melbourne.

Stephanie, 26, Doctor

VICE: What’s the last thing you’d put in your mouth Stephanie?
Stephanie: I don’t really know, maybe dog poo? Dog poo is pretty disgusting.

So dog poo is worse than something poisonous, like cyanide?
Actually that’s a good point, that makes much more sense. I’m going to change my answer to poison if that’s allowed. I don’t want to die.

Why was dog poo your initial choice?
I guess it’s just one of those things that everyone has an instinctive repulsion to, like it’s one of the more disgusting things that exist.

Can you tell me about the strangest thing you’ve put in your mouth?
Goat’s blood. I was in Africa, and went to this goat sacrifice, and they offered the warm blood from a freshly sacrificed goat. I tried it.

Was it delicious and you wanted more?
No, it was pretty gross. It tasted warm and kind of metallic, but it wasn’t as awful as I thought it was going to be. I couldn’t keep it down though, I spat it out straight away.

What would be your actions after having cyanide in your mouth?
I’d spit it out, rinse my mouth and go seek medical advice. I think that’s the most sensible thing to do if cyanide somehow ended up in my mouth.

Jonathan, 21, Apprentice Chef

So what is the one thing you wouldn’t put in your mouth?
Gossip, stuff you hear from other people.

That’s an unusual answer. Can you explain what you mean?
In the Bible, there is a proverb that says, “Woe to the man who gossips and woe to his neighbour,” which means that the things that come out of other people’s mouths can ruin you if you’re not careful. So I wouldn’t allow the things I hear from other people to come out of me because I feel like it could be damaging.

Have you ever gossiped about someone and felt guilty?
There have been times when I’ve been involved in complaining. I work as an apprentice chef, and there’s a lot of swearing in the kitchen and a lot of banter about the restaurant, about the owners and how the place is run. There have been times when I’ve been pulled into that. But it’s good to be aware of it I guess.

So what do you do when others are gossiping around you?
I just bring my own positive attitude to things and allow that to radiate from me, rather than getting sucked into other people’s stuff.

Does this positivity come from your religion?
Four years ago, I met Jesus and it really turned my life around. I was in a pretty dark place, and since then I’ve come out depression, anxiety. I went through a psychosis and came out the other side. I’ve learned a lot from Him, the Bible and the people I’ve hung around.

This was so much deeper than I ever thought I’d get with this question, anything else?
That Jesus saved my life and he could do the same for you. He loves you so much, more than you’ll ever know.

Sophie, 19, Student

Hey Sophie, what’s the one thing you wouldn’t put in you mouth?
I think something entirely vegan. Some people say they couldn’t put meat in their mouth, but I just can’t do vegan.

What is it about vegan food that you find so disgusting?
I hate alternative foods. Any kind of food that is pretending to be something real thing, I just don’t like it. It’s totally chill if you want to be a vegan though, we just can’t date.

Has there been a particular experience with vegan food that has turned you off it so much?
The one time my friends managed to drag me to a vegan cafe, I ordered the bacon substitute and it was just coconut flakes… and I just didn’t know where the world was heading at that point.

What if eating vegan food was your only option?
I’d have to either go on a hunger strike, or I’d settle for incredibly sad and depressed. Food is life, and let’s be real, the stuff they eat isn’t really food.

Why did you choose that over something genuinely life threatening?
That’s a good point, but I feel like vegans are threatening, in a way that I can’t win an argument with them. I understand that they have a cause, but I’m just not part of that.

I feel like you’re going to upset a few people with these views.
I know, but I don’t hate vegans. I just hate their food.

Gabriel, 25, Pizza shop owner

Tell me Gabriel, what couldn’t you put in your mouth?
I think maggots?

Why maggots?
Because they’re gross. I think they’d be like a wet carpet in my mouth which is pretty disgusting. That’s if they’re dead though… far out I don’t want to think about this. They are one of the things I fear the most.

Is there a specific reason why you’re scared of them?
When I was a little kid, I emptied out a bin and there they were, en masse, crawling around and it just freaked me out so much. It was the most disgusting thing I’ve ever come across. It physically made me gag.

What’s the one thing that would have to happen for you to put maggots in your mouth?
Man I’m not ready for this question. Maybe if I was to lose a limb or something extreme like that?

Amber (left), 26, Game Master
Zoe, 23, Nurse

What’s the last thing you’d put in your mouth Amber?
Amber: Dog poo. It’s probably the most in-edible thing I can think of. Anything else you could probably get your head around, but dog poo is a no-go zone.
Zoe: Yeah I reckon I’m on the same page.

If you were forced to to eat it, how would you do it?
Amber: I think just mushed up so it’d go down as quickly as possible.
Zoe: I’d contrast it with a really strong flavour and then have it as a spread.

Do you have a high tolerance for gross foods?
Amber: No, not really. I would definitely throw up if dog poo was near my mouth.
Zoe: Well I’m a nurse, so I’m fairly desensitised to stuff like that. Now that I’m thinking about, maybe I’d be ok with dog poo…if I was going to lose my arm or something then I think I’d keep it down.

I’ve had someone else say dog poo today. Why do you think people find it so repulsive?
Amber: I think it’s because we know do it ourselves and know where it comes from. It’s also the furthest thing away from eating, which is the best, so maybe that’s why people think it’s so gross?
Zoe: Maybe it’s something to do with the smell? There’s nothing you can do to make it better either. Like with grubs and spiders, you can at least cook them, but you’d just have to eat it raw and untouched.

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