Which Person in This Ridiculous Hardcore Pit Is Your Favorite?

One of my favorite internet pastimes is watching hours of absurd mosh pit videos. I love them. I get sucked into them like Cameron staring at the Seurat painting in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. Of all of the videos that have provided me late-night mosh LOLs, this one, featuring the band Dare performing at this year’s Sound and Fury Fest, ranks among my favorites.

bro whats your workout routine?

me: pic.twitter.com/Rh9hxvQ819

— Dan Ozzi (@danozzi) July 19, 2018

I’ve watched this small clip over 100 times, and with each viewing I find a new reason to appreciate it and a new person to love. Clocking in at only 33 seconds, it has a better cast of characters than that new Avengers movie. Let’s take a closer look at some of the stars of this show….

First, we have this blue shirt guy, above. Dude takes a running leap towards the largest congregation of people he can find, which is only three, and does a flip that doesn’t go so well. He goes down and gets lost in a sea of ankles. Then he reappears and leans on the stage for the remainder of the video. Are you ok, blue shirt guy??? I’m not a doctor but I think you may’ve gotten concussed and would advise you not to go to sleep for the next three or four months.

Then we got this beige shirt guy on the left here. This dude keeps climbing the stage, getting knocked down, and getting back up on the stage again. More than anyone in this video, he embodies the Chumbawama mentality. I’ve named him Bradley and I love him and his big, tenacious spirit. He is my son.

Before we go any further I gotta give it up for my man the bassist. Dude has such serious pit FOMO that he stops playing the same riff over and over, drops his bass, and flips head-first into whomever’s left standing. Respect to him and his yellow pants.

The stagediving bassist has drawn my attention to perhaps the most curious character in this whole video—the guy above who lays down on the stage for two seconds for seemingly no reason. Why did he do this? Did he drop a contact lens? Did he suffer momentary heatstroke? Is this a cool new conceptual mosh move I’m not familiar with? I’m sorry to say I have no answers.

This is not a specific character, per se, but I love this section of the video, where the song abruptly ends and everyone stops what they’re doing. It’s like when you could go wild at the beginning of class until your teacher walked in and then you had to pretend like you were reading quietly.

There are so many more characters here that I feel like I should stop before this consumes my entire life and I write serialized novels about each of them. If you have a favorite, I’m on Twitter if you wanna point ’em out. Thank you for joining me for the first in this 6,000-part series: Analyzing Mosh Videos I Could Watch for Three Hours Straight.