Yesterday the internet was set, if not ablaze, then slightly inflamed with news that HBO was producing an “EDM comedy show” starring top DJ Calvin Harris, who everyone knows “created disco,” and written by Irvine Welsh. The show also involves Jay-Z—because of course Jay-Z has to be anywhere that is even 5% cool with the underground (cough, Marina Abramovic). It’s also called Higher—after the Just Blaze and Baauer song “Higher” that features Jay-Z—because Hov doesn’t have any new ideas. (Don’t start crying because I’m capping on Jiggaman. He is nominated for 9 Grammys. That’s 9 more Grammy’s than I’m nominated for.)
According to Deadline Hollywood, a movie industry blog that broke the story, the show is additionally “produced” by Will Smith and Jada Pinkett-Smith—who no longer want to make sweet sweet nookie but definitely do want to make sweet sweet money—and Smith’s longtime friend James Lassiter, who you have to blame for Hitch and I, Robot. Their other project is a version of the musical Annie. I do not have the energy to make a joke about how this obviously qualifies them to make an ELECTRONIC DANCE MUSIC COMEDY SHOW.
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Being that we’re total motherflocking visionaries over here, we put together a list of things that are likely to happen on this groundbreaking cultural show. Read on while we go put some hydrocortisone on our EDM.
– Irvine Welsh and Beyonce do a Lonely Island-style musical number/cabaret act live on Holy Ship with Waka Flocka.
– Calvin Harris dresses like Larry Levan in a good-natured spoof of his album title I Created Disco but it goes horribly wrong because everyone just thinks he is a imitating Jazzy Jeff in blackface.
– The show resurrects the dead baby crawling on the ceiling from Trainspotting. Thanks to the magic of CGI it has Tiesto’s face.
– Jay-Z realizes Irvine Welsh hasn’t been clubbing in 20 years, so he tries to take him to an “underground rave party” at “the cool kids go to” (ahem, petition him about) called 285 Kent, only its closed.
– The whole show is written in Scottish dialect and the only one who can properly master it is Beyonce.
– Beyonce mastered her Scottish accent by watching Fat Bastard scenes from Austin Powers on repeat.
– Calvin Harris and Irvine Welsh adopt the “world’s first EDM baby” together and name it Calvine Werrish.
– Baauer attempts to make back the money he lost on the “Harlem Shake” sample by suing Jay-Z for calling the series Higher. Jay-Z wins—Jay always wins—but offers Baauer a consolation prize: a starring role in his forthcoming remake of A Night at the Roxbury.
– Madonna appears as part of a twerking wall alongside Miley and a pregnant Gina Turner. (Since Gina Turner’s press release about playing pregnant on Holy Ship, it’s been determined that pregnant female DJs are the new “thing.”)
– Irvine Welsh takes Ecstasy for the first time in 20 years, except its bath salts, and he has to be restrained on set after attempting to eat Jaden Christopher Syre Smith’s face.
– Jada-Pinkett Smith makes a play to become one of the world’s biggest EDM DJs, but fails her headlining slot at EDC by trying to DJ with the non-premium version of Spotify.
– Lena Dunham from Girls has a walk-on part where she throws a bloody tampon at Calvin while he’s DJing.
– Lena Dunham from Girls has a walk-out part where she throws her birth control pills at Calvin while he’s DJing.
– Lena Dunham from Girls has a walk-on part where she throws her dildo at Calvin while he’s DJing. He catches it and starts scratching with it, creating the hot niche genre “dildo house.”
– All our parents get really really into EDM and then we hate it and start only listening to whale and cricket noises.
– Willow Smith performs her new electro-house banger—produced by Benny Benassi—and then performs it with a hologram of his Benassi.
– Kanye West and A-Trak get mad they didn’t think of this idea first and create a rival “EDM drama show” called Stronger.
– HBO premieres the opening title of the show on all the projectors at Coachella and people think it’s a real performance.
– Paris Hilton stars as Calvin Harris’ DJ girlfriend… and then they start going out in real life.
– Jaden and Willow Smith play a cover band of LMFAO called LMFAO Schwarz and make $2M off licensing from their mashup of “I’m in Miami Bitch” with “Welcome to Miami.”
– Nas, who wrote “Jiggy With It” and “Welcome to Miami,” storms the set and attempts to kill Will Smith and Jay-Z to make the world alright. He only succeds in lighting David Guetta, who is on set for a cameo, on fire.
– HBO realizes that even though Calvin Harris is Scottish, he is not funny and never will be funny.
– Calvin Harris becomes a castmember on SNL because neither one is all that funny.
– Garage rock comes back into fashion with a vengeance. Vivian Girls and Thee Oh Sees get back together just to fight the evil forces of JAYZEDM.
– EDM collapses into a giant fireball and we send all of our laptops, computers, DJ equipment, and any other digital music streaming technology into a giant landfill in outer space. We all go back to subsistence farming and Avicii “Levels” becomes a folk song that people sing to generations after.
