Humans are the only animal species that cry emotional tears—it’s a unique and beautiful and special thing. And a lot of us wish we could cut it out, especially when it comes to angry crying.
Variations of the question “How to stop crying when angry/frustrated?” often pop up online, asked by folks who are embarrassed by the behavior. To quote a popular Quora post, “I’ll be super pissed and instead it looks like I’ve had my feelings hurt. Hard to get someone to take you seriously in an argument if you’re coming off as a big crybaby.”
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I’m among the angry crybabies. I’ve been known to start difficult conversations with, “I’ll probably cry. It’s not because I’m sad.” I’ll storm away from a confrontation to hide the fact that I’m about to start sobbing. Anger and rage—and their lesser siblings, frustration and stress—make me teary, which then makes me angrier and more frustrated, and therefore tearier still… it’s a vicious circle of emotion.
The good news is that lots of people experience this: “It is very common to cry when angry,” says Sabrina Romanoff, a New York City-based clinical psychologist specializing in relationships, work and academic stress, and life transitions.
But why? Is it because we all have Cancer placements somewhere in our charts? Or is it more physical than astrological, the result of some combination of brain chemistry, physiology, and evolutionary biology? Is there anything we can do to stop tears of anger—or anything helpful that we can learn from them?
Why do we cry?
Let’s start by talkin’ tears more broadly—because as Romanoff notes, “There are emotional and physical aspects to tear production.”
Humans have several kinds of tears. Reflex tears, for example, result from external stimuli like a cold wind or fumes (or onions). Basal tears are a constant presence that lubricate and shield your cornea. Then there are emotional tears, which form in response to feelings.
Those first two types of tears are easy to explain: they protect your eyes. Emotional tears are more mysterious. One common line of thinking is that crying releases endorphins—brain chemicals that essentially make you feel better—but there’s actually not a lot of scientific evidence to back that up. Instead, most modern research appears to indicate that tears are more social: They help foster human connection and promote bonding.
“How do others respond to your crying? Did they react with understanding and provide comfort and support? OK, then you feel better than before.” —Ad Vingerhoets
Ad Vingerhoets is a professor of clinical psychology at the Netherlands’ Tilburg University, and he’s one of a small number of scientists who are beginning to unlock some of the secrets contained in tears. “Our idea is that the function of crying should be searched for in the intra-individual domain—it’s a strong form of communication,” says Vingerhoets, who’s authored books including Why Only Humans Weep. “It’s a strong signal for, ‘I need you. I need help. And you should support me.’”
Crying doesn’t always work, of course. Often, especially when you’re in public or in conflict with others, any relief you get is situational—it can depend on factors including who you are, what you’re going through, and what the response from others is after you cry.
Because crying alone doesn’t necessarily have a big effect on you. In one study, Vingerhoets says, he and his fellow researchers asked people how they felt after crying—better, worse, or the same?—and found that while 50 percent reported feeling better, 40 percent reported feeling no different, and 10 percent reported that they actually felt worse.
“How do others respond to your crying? Did they react with understanding and provide comfort and support? OK, then you feel better than before,” Vingerhoets says. “If they respond with disapproval, or become angry, or they start laughing at you and you feel ashamed, then you do not experience any mood benefits.”
OK, so why do we angry cry?
Usually, people associate crying with sadness, but Vingerhoets says it’s more about the feeling of being powerless. “So, you don’t know how to react. You are in a situation, and you don’t know how to deal with that situation.”
In conflict situations, Vingerhoets explains, we might “experience a kind of powerless anger,” or an emotional cocktail of sadness, anger, frustration, and powerlessness. “You can feel anxious and powerless, or sad and powerless—[this happens] very often, especially in the case of a serious loss.”
Anger rarely exists in a vacuum—you’re often not only angry, but also sad, or anxious, or feeling vulnerable. As Romanoff explains, you might be associating the tears you’re crying with your feelings of rage because that’s what you’re expressing outwardly or accessing most easily, even though anger is probably not the only emotion you’re feeling at the time.
“While anger can be a loud and expressive emotion, typically people have a lot of underlying emotions below the anger that gets washed over,” Romanoff says. “Ultimately, people are more comfortable staying within the territory of anger because of the sense of righteous indignation it provides—even if it places a Band-Aid over the fundamental aspect of the situation or their feelings.”
Depending on the situation, Vingerhoets notes, “the difference between anger and sadness becomes smaller.”
Is there a way to stop yourself from crying?
Obviously, there’s nothing wrong with crying. In fact, few mental health experts would encourage you to stuff down your feelings, generally speaking. “I would not recommend suppressing your emotions,” says Romanoff, when I ask her if there’s a way to stop a cry when you feel it coming on.
She says that in instances of anger, specifically, crying—and no one wants to hear this less than me—can actually be a benefit: “One way to look at this is that our tears are a way our body forces us to pause and take inventory on the situation.”
In other words, you’re unlikely to reach any kind of resolution during a time of extreme anger. Maybe you’re in a justifiable all-out rage at your boss or your partner, but is the screaming match foreshadowed by the tears welling up in your eyes really an effective way to solve the issue? Oncoming tears can be your sign to take a beat, step away, and compose yourself, saving you from crying mid-argument and perhaps leading to more effective communication overall.
“Our tears are a way our body forces us to pause and take inventory on the situation.” —Sabrina Romanoff
But there are also times when tears aren’t super convenient and yet conflict is inevitable. Maybe you’re mid-work-presentation or feuding with a family member, and crying would undermine the point you’re making, or make you feel weak. In cases where crying is just not ideal, Romanoff does have a few suggestions.
“The most effective is through distraction, by providing alternative stimulation,” she says. That can mean pinching yourself, making big movements with your body, or focusing on your breathing. Other experts have recommended getting outside into some fresh air or drinking a glass of water. But whether you cry or not, Romanoff emphasizes that there’s no reason to feel embarrassed or ashamed—after all, it’s only human.
“When emotions are heightened or when in an intense situation, we can struggle to put words to our feelings,” she says. “Crying helps to convey our experience when words fall short.”
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