We’ve all been there. You and your mate – both single and horny – have been shagging for a while to scratch that sexual itch. It was working at first, but now you’re starting to shit yourself a bit. It’s a tale as old as time: Worrying they’re starting to get feelings for you, worrying they’re not, having sex one minute, realising you’re not into them the next. Maybe things just become weird, in a non-specific but totally all-consuming way. It might be clearly time to end your friends with benefits situ, but how are you supposed to get back to your life B.S? (“Before Sex”, of course.)
According to a Match.com study, almost half of us have had a friends with benefits arrangement. So you can imagine just how many of us have ended it less than gracefully. In fact, according to another study, 15 percent of people ended one because they actually got together, 28 percent got rid of the benefits and stuck with being friends, but a whopping 31 percent cut off all ties completely. Sad!
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We’ve been warned numerous times, though, of course. Literally every film made about the FWB concept – from Friends with Benefits to No Strings Attached – tells us that having non-committal sex with a friend is never as simple as locking in some easy orgasms, before ending it amicably and going straight back to platonic vibes. Telling your bestie you don’t want to fuck them anymore is really, well, hard.
Natasha, a 29-year-old bar manager, had been friends with 33-year-old Miles for almost ten years before becoming friends with benefits after an “unexpected one night stand” at a wedding. (Both interviewees asked to use fake names for privacy reasons, like others in this piece.) To avoid any friendship mishaps, they made a firm agreement to have sex “purely platonically” and that their friendship would “not be affected”. Gulp.
The pair didn’t discuss how those rules would work or set any boundaries or expectations whatsoever, which Natasha admits was a “recipe for disaster”.
Not that rules would’ve have necessarily helped them. One study says 80 percent of people set rules for their friends with benefits arrangements, but found that most rules actually contradicted each other. Not only does this affect the arrangement as it’s happening, it sets you up for a shitty ending.
“I must’ve caught feelings without realising,” Natasha says. “One day I went to his house at 2AM to have sex after he’d been on a date, and I was just so annoyed that this stranger had gotten the royal treatment, while I was only there for sex.”
Natasha was upfront about her frustrations, and Miles ended things “before either of us got hurt”. But Natasha had already been hurt. “Our friendship was never the same again.”
Melissa Cook, a sex therapist and relationship expert at Sofia Gray, says people commonly end a FWB situation without communicating two key things – what they want their new friendship to look like and what should happen when either of you get into future relationships.
This happened to Natasha, who lost her friendship with Miles when the sex stopped. “We didn’t talk about what we wanted our new friendship to be. and once we ended it, we didn’t talk about it at all. Now, we don’t hang out the way we used to and when he started dating someone properly, it was too weird for him to have me around,” continues Natasha. “I’m still absolutely heartbroken. I miss being his friend.”
Cook adds that some people who’ve been in a FWB arrangement say it feels worse to be “dumped” by a friend than it does in a romantic relationship, because there’s a whole other layer of “failure” associated. “People might think, ‘This was just to satisfy a sexual urge, how did I get that wrong?’ and this can contribute to a spoilt friendship, or an awkward atmosphere in the future,” she says.
But not all friends with benefits go tits-up. One study says half of university students go back to being friends after they stop having casual sex, with some reporting having a friendship that’s even closer than it was before.
Teacher Lizzy, 27, and her friend Dale started having sex when Lizzy got sick of swiping, going on Slug & Lettuce dates with walking red flags, and feeling consistently sexually unsatisfied. After “failed date after failed date and a dry spell”, she “just wanted to have sex with someone she could trust”.
The pair had a successful ending, and the trick was building a respectful FWB experience as it was happening: When they were shagging, they still prioritised each other as friends and hung out in ways they did pre-shag. They made sure to keep this up post-shag, too.
Cook says that ending a friends with benefits situation will always be tricky, but friends should prioritise their communication during the arrangement – that way, endings don’t come as such a shock. “It’s also important to be honest and not hide the reason why, whether it’s that you think you or they have developed feelings, you’re looking for something different, or maybe that you’re dating someone else,” she says.
Once you’ve pushed through the awkwardness and ended your FWB arrangement as kindly as possible (AKA not as emotionless as a business partnership), there’s one more step to consider. You need to think about what will happen if one of you gets in a new relationship. And you need to think about it before it actually happens. It’s much better to discuss what this new dynamic could be like, what you’ll share with them, and whether you’d all like to be friends, than become the subject of the new flame’s late-night, jealousy-fuelled social media stalking and subsequent banning.
Lizzy eventually met someone she wanted to pursue a relationship with, so her and Dale had to end their arrangement. But because the two of them had always discussed this possibility, the friendship wasn’t tainted and they remain friends two years on. There’s a small catch, though.
“Our only problem is that new partners don’t always approve of the friendship,” says Lizzy. “But we do our best to keep our friendship going and not let that ruin it. I think it’d be really messed up to stop talking to him just because we had sex for a bit.”
Explaining to new partners that you previously had sex with one of your friends is always a tricky one. “It can create a level of jealousy and even distrust, which is why it’s so important to be open and honest,” says Cook. “Explain to your partner that your FWB arrangement was just that, and there aren’t any emotional connections between the two of you.”
Not being upfront is a mistake Lizzy’s made in the past. “I’d wait until someone I was seeing said, ‘Hey, did something go on between you two?’ because they’ve picked up on a vibe and that’s the worst time to reveal. Tell your partner before they meet your friends and answer whatever questions they have,” she advises.
It may help to reiterate that your friendship and sexual relationship – along with your new romantic relationship – are completely separate. Again, this is where good old boundaries come in. New partners are less likely to feel intimidated if it’s clear that you and your previous FWB have talked everything out from the beginning, and no feelings linger.
It is possible for friends to go back to being just friends after a FWB situ ends. But it’s hard work and involves a lot of talking, and creating time and space for each other. Your friendship probably won’t be exactly the same as it was pre-shag, but isn’t that kind of fun? It’d be weird if your friendship felt the same until the day you die.
It’s nicer, really, if you can evolve together and work out what your new friendship is going to look like. You’ll probably have a much deeper understanding of each other – you’ve seen each other naked, after all. So maybe what I’m actually saying is: Don’t let the fear of ruining a friendship stop you from having a fuck fest if it feels right? Maybe.
