What Is The Romantic Cost of Resistance for India’s Activists?

Alina*, 24, was ready for a date on a cold evening in December 2022. Meeting a boy for the third time, she had brought scented candles to light up her otherwise sad hostel room in Jawaharlal Nehru University. She had even got a Netflix subscription. That was the most a girl could do for setting a romantic environment in a hostel room. 

Everything was going right. Her date was on time, had brought flowers, and was looking exquisite. But right when the contraceptive he had carefully concealed in his back pocket was about to be put to use, he got a call. “He had to leave for some idiotic protest. I swear the dhapli culture won’t let a girl get laid,” Alina told VICE. ‘Netflix and Chill’ hasn’t been the only casualty of political activism when it gets to romance. “There’s a saying in JNU, our flag and our hearts are red. Which means that love and protests go hand in hand. Well, they clearly can’t,” she added.

A relationship can sometimes fall into peril if the people involved can’t agree on colours of a curtain. But usually, a scoop of ice cream or a bouquet of flowers can fix that. However, when young Indians grapple with differences in their religious identities, sexual orientation, class, caste divisions and what to do about it, the resulting conflicts become challenging to navigate, often leaving behind lasting scars and traumas.

Shivangi Bhardwaj, a 28-year-old is an example. She thought she had found a match in all respects. Their families had met. They had gone on a couple of fun dates. They had similar music tastes. A week before the engagement in 2019, however, Shivangi, a post-grad student at Delhi University, received a call to join a protest against the Citizenship Amendment Act and National Register of Citizens. And that is when things changed.

“It was not even that he had different political views. He liked Marxism. He read Camus. He was also a liberal like me, and even a feminist. We agreed on most political thoughts... He was also against the CAA. He just didn’t want to do anything about it,” said Shivangi. They broke up soon after. Her ex-boyfriend did not want her to be involved in anything that could jeopardise her safety, she explained. “What he did not understand was how significant politics was for me. And that I could not just sit there and do nothing.”

Shivangi or Alina* are not alone with their heartaches. Love is mostly a complex dance, often entangled with the intricacies of political ideologies and societal beliefs. Some say love can conquer all boundaries. In India, however, some boundaries are proving to be too hard to overcome: the lines of political activism.

With the nation witnessing several massive protests in the last few years, the younger population, especially college students, are undergoing a political and social awakening. And this awakening, at least for some, has not been a very bright ray of sunshine for their romance. Romantic relationships can be fraught with challenges stemming from communalism, racism, sexism, casteism, homophobia, disability, and Islamophobia. Within this multifaceted landscape, young couples have been navigating the treacherous terrain of differing viewpoints, often leading to fights, heartbreaks, and, at times, irreparable separations. 

For Ritu* and Rajat*, a married couple in their late twenties, political activism became the unwelcome wedge that drove them apart. Rajat's family held conservative views that clashed with Ritu's progressive ideals. "We tried to bridge the divide, but the constant pressure from Rajat's family to conform to their traditional values became unbearable. When I went out for a day at an anti-caste protest at Jantar Mantar, my picture went up on a website. As soon as my upper-caste in-laws saw that, it became a chaos at home," Ritu* revealed with a heavy heart. "Rajat* was not casteist, but he tried to imply that maybe I should avoid protests for the sake of the family. Ultimately, I made the difficult decision to separate, realising that my political association had irreparably damaged our relationship."

In understanding the impact of politics on relationships, Dr. Anika Sharma, a relationship coach based in New Delhi, sheds light on the subject. "Politics and political activism can significantly influence the dynamics of a relationship," Dr. Sharma explained. "Beliefs and values rooted in political ideologies shape how individuals perceive the world, often leading to conflicts with their partners who hold contrasting viewpoints,”

However, these costs of resistance on romantic relationships have not been a surprise for everyone. Abid Ahmad, a 26-year-old software engineer in Baroda, had a much deeper experience. “I was studying in Aligarh, and talking to a childhood sweetheart since before my undergrad began. In a way, it was one of the longest talking stages of my life, it encompassed four years. My years were fraught with a series of political events taking place. There was the Jinnah portrait protest, and then there were the CAA-NRC protests, and then the protests against Hindutva men lynching and killing Muslims,” Ahmad told VICE.

His voice became heavier as he recounted, “I became more and more political, and my conversations became more and more tense. The earlier conversation with her revolved around ‘take care’, which then turned into ‘be cautious’, then into ‘you’re being reckless and dangerous’, and finally into ‘choose me or activism’. And I didn’t want to,” said Ahmad.

Azad, an LGBTQ+ rights activist, shared their painful experience. "I wasn’t very open about my identity as a trans person, except at protests and demonstrations. Most days it was a struggle juggling my identity with my personal relations. During the protests around the judgment on section 377 which criminalized gay sex, I would often have quarrels with my significant other," Azad recounted. "I wasn’t even an activist, not according to me. I just wanted to express my feelings on my politics and identity,” he added.

Dr. Sharma emphasised the importance of open communication and mutual respect when navigating political disparities in relationships. "Creating a safe space for dialogue where both partners feel heard and respected is crucial," she advised. "It allows couples to address their concerns, explore different perspectives, and find common ground while acknowledging their individual beliefs."

Often, though, these differences are unsurmountable. “I cannot be with someone who does not understand that my political identity is as much a part of me as my gender is. I don’t want to date a girl because I am straight, in much the same way, I don’t want to date a guy who is apolitical, because I am sane. Yet, the heart wants what it wants. I still get sad remembering him,” Shivangi said.

Unfortunately, some costs for political activism have been almost too heavy to bear. Take the case of Umar Khalid and Banojyotsna Lahiri, both activists from JNU. Since 2013, approximately 10 years, they’ve been together. More than a 1000 days of that duration, they’ve been in a “long distance” relationship, because Umar has been put in jail for that time, allegedly for inciting violence, a charge that has been described by international organisations and political activists as witch-hunting for protesting for religious freedom. 

When asked, almost cruelly, if there are any particular anecdotes Banojyotsna remembered that made her and Umar apprehensive about their relationship and each other’s safety, she replied, almost poignantly, “Just take a look at our case files. Of course, we were apprehensive. He was vilified on national media, then actually shot at, and now, we await justice, just so that he can breathe freely.” Umar’s bail hearing was postponed to the 24th of July, recently. 

Protests and resistance can bring about change, definitely. But they have also been bringing about a lot of destruction in their wake, in life, love, and especially in love lives, of young people. 

*Name has been changed at the request of the subject.

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