A Late Bloomer’s Guide to Sex

This article originally appeared on VICE Belgium.

Euphoria. Sex Education. Normal People. Movies and TV shows make it seem like the only acceptable time to explore your sexuality is when you’re a teenager. But for many people, that’s not necessarily the case.

Perhaps you’ve grown up thinking sex wasn’t really your thing, or in an environment where it was taboo. Perhaps you’ve only recently discovered that your sexual orientation doesn’t line up with the experiences you’ve had so far. There are a lot of reasons why you might have ended up experimenting with sex later in life, and they’re all valid.

According to Belgian sexologist Emilie Daems, comparing your sexual exploration against an imaginary timeline won’t be helpful to you. “Being late is not the right way to put it – I’d rather talk about protecting your boundaries,” she says. “If you weren’t ready, there was probably a reason for that. You were already engaging with a part of sexuality: setting boundaries.”

That being said, society still stigmatises people who don’t have typical sexual experiences, so feeling a little clueless is totally normal. We’ve addressed some of the common concerns you might have as a late bloomer and put together some tips to help you out.

Masturbate to figure out what you like and don’t like

Sexuality is not just something you do with partners – it’s first and foremost about the relationship you have with your own body. Touching yourself with or without sex toys will help you get used to certain sensations and know which ones you like. “The more you know about yourself, the better you’ll be at communicating your wishes and boundaries,” Daems says.

When you start exploring sex, you’ll frequently find yourself in new territory and out of your comfort zone. That’s when knowing yourself can make all the difference. “You just can’t underestimate how much less positive experiences can affect your further sexual development,” Daems adds. “Self-knowledge and communication skills can save you a lot of trouble.”

Do your research

Contrary to popular belief, nobody is just good at sex. It’s a skill set that must be learned through both theory and practice, just like everything else. Beyond the exchange of physical sensations and bodily fluids, sex is also about psychology, empathy, emotional intelligence – things you’ve probably had more time to learn about and develop as a late bloomer.

For tips and tricks, “Don’t be afraid to check out books and articles on the topic or to talk to a sexologist,” Daems suggests. If you have a vagina, or want to know how to give pleasure to someone with a vagina, Daems says you can start with the website omgyes.com. Our in-house Best You’ve Ever Had series is a sex-positive guide for people of all genders and kinks, too.

Watching porn can also be a source of information about sex – it can allow you to picture different acts, discover what turns you on and off, and explore your sexuality on your own. And yes, you should consume ethical porn, where the consent of the performers is required and they are fairly compensated.

“You often have to pay for ethical porn, but it’s much better,” Daems says. “Plus, you don’t have to worry about what you’re contributing to while you masturbate.”

Don’t worry about feeling intimidated

Everyone is. Set your own tempo and leave your comfort zone little by little. Some sex acts might look ridiculous at first, but might not feel the same when you’re in the heat of the encounter. Our hormones are usually less modest than our upbringing.

“Everything you do for the very first time is stressful because you don’t yet know how it will go,” Daems says. “Luckily, at this point you should have already learned what you like when you’re alone, which gives you a good sounding board during sex with someone else.”

Sometimes the new things you try will be great; other times less so. But it’s like that for everyone – and there is no other way to figure it out. Leave room for disappointment, and let go of any expectations: Pleasure has nothing to do with perfection.

Learn how to communicate

You might feel a bit embarrassed by your lack of experience, but it’s always best to be honest with your partners. It doesn’t have to be a heavy conversation – you can simply talk about the things you’ve done and what you’d like to do. “Being vulnerable can also be exciting, and a great catalyst to sexual arousal,” Daems says.

Don’t forget to leave room for humour. “Movies and TV shows don’t show awkward moments: You never see a woman walking to the bathroom with her hands between her legs,” Daems says, “and vaginal farts and other sounds are nowhere to be found.” Some situations can be funny if you don’t take them too seriously. Laughing about them together will strengthen connections and make light of failures.

Avoid partners who make you feel awkward

You deserve a partner who respects you and values you for who you are. Don’t let anyone make you feel like you’re lagging behind, not good enough or ridiculous. “If a sexual partner makes fun of you, you know right away that they aren’t right for you,” Daems says. This works both ways: Don’t judge people based on how many people they’ve slept with. What matters is the connection you have and how much fun you’ll have together.

The more you focus on your lack of experience, the more it will become a thing for you and your partners. At the same time, if this keeps popping up, it might be a sign of a bigger emotional issue. In that case, “it’s always a good idea to talk to a psychologist about it,” Daems says.

Communicate during sex to make sure both parties are having a good time

Observe your partner’s responses. Ask questions before, during and after sex and always think about consent before you try anything. Give directions like, “slower, louder, left, lower, yes, no”. And if you need a break or want to stop, be sure to say it, too.

It’s better to talk too much than too little – plenty of folks are actually turned on by it. “The more you talk about sex when it’s going well, the less weird and intimidating it is to talk about sex at times when it’s not going so well,” Daems says. If you’re shy about verbally expressing your desires, you can communicate with sounds, body language and facial expressions as well.

In a way, each new partner is a new exploration, because each individual has a different set of preferences and experiences. Figure out what they’re into, and ask them how you can give each other more pleasure.

Remember to use lube

There’s no such thing as too much lube. Many people with a vagina can experience a discrepancy between mental and physical sexual arousal, meaning they can be turned on in their head without being wet. In those cases, “lube can be a lifesaver!” says Daems. “But be careful, the opposite scenario is possible too: Always make sure your partner is aroused.”

Water-based lubes play well with toys and condoms, but on the downside, you have to re-apply frequently because they dry out more quickly. Silicon-based lubes are great for sex without toys, but don’t always go well with condoms. The great thing about them is the texture, which is more similar to vaginal lubrication and stays wet for longer.

Always use protection

Being sexually active comes with many potential risks, but that shouldn’t stop you from thriving in your sex life. There are many measures you can take: Read up on prevention, protect yourself and your partners, and get tested regularly, even when you don’t have any symptoms. Also, always have both contraception and lube on you. “Sex with a condom and too much friction can increase the chances of tearing,” Daems adds. And nobody wants that.

“It’s also important to use the right condom size,” Daems says. “If a condom is too big, it might fall off. If it’s too small, it might rip more easily.” So if you have a penis, try out a couple of sizes and carry the right one for you. And if you enjoy having sex with people with a penis, maybe carry a couple of options.

Try to be present in the moment

When it comes to sex, it’s easy to get lost in what we think we are supposed to do or look like while doing it. But sex is not what is depicted in the media. It doesn’t have a set structure or a grand finale. Sometimes you’ll climax within a minute, other times you won’t. It can also be incredibly disappointing, and not just during first times.

Instead of focusing on how the sex is going, try to feel all the sensations and stay in the moment. This will help erase whatever thoughts might pop up in your head. “Sex is, above everything else, a mental experience,” Daems says. “So if you keep having thoughts like ‘I’m bad at this’ or ‘I’m not experienced enough’ or ‘Does my belly look fat?’, it’ll be hard to be present. Go with the flow and focus on your and your partner’s senses.”