I’m Only Attracted to Toxic People. What’s Wrong With Me?

This piece originally appeared on VICE Netherlands.

Ask VICE is a series where readers ask VICE to solve their problems, from dealing with unrequited love to handling annoying flatmates. Today, we’re hoping to help a reader who’s only interested in toxic relationships.

Dear VICE,

I date a lot, but things never really go anywhere. I rarely feel a connection with someone, and I get bored very easily. The only relationships I’ve ever had came to an end because they didn’t feel exciting enough. I missed the spark, so to speak. I also quickly get bored with sex. “Let’s get this over with” is something I often catch myself thinking while I’m having sex. 

I regularly fantasise about my ideal partner or relationship. When I do, I get the sense that my desires are unhealthy because I dream of toxic love and people who wouldn’t necessarily be good for me. I imagine us bringing out the worst in each other, having massive fights that might even lead to violence, only to make up afterward with passionate sex. In other words: I fantasise about a toxic on-and-off type of relationship with someone I’m madly in love with but whom my friends say is terrible for me.

My desire is so strong I sometimes become interested in someone as soon as I hear how problematic they are.

These types of relationships are often traumatising to the people who experience them. Where do my strange desires come from? I often worry I will never be truly satisfied with a partner due to my predisposition to conflict and drama. Is something wrong with me?

Love,

E.

Hi E.,

Toxic relationships can seem romantic and are often depicted in this light in movies and series. Think about the Netflix show You, for instance, or the relationship dynamics in 365 Days. Even a vanilla romcom like The Notebook features more yelling than talking. In reality, these dynamics can be miserable and particularly damaging to your mental health in the long run.

You’re far from the only person who knows that certain people or things aren’t good for them but still finds them attractive. Psychologist Iris van der Steen, who specialises in relationships, has definitely come across people in similar situations in her practice.

For starters, Van der Steen emphasised that having (sexual) fantasies about unhealthy dynamics doesn’t automatically mean something’s wrong with you. There are plenty of kinds of BDSM, such as a brat kink, that revolve around a game of push and pull. “If you’re acting out a fantasy in a safe way with someone you trust, there is nothing wrong with it,” she says. 

However, you do write in your letter that your thirst for an unhealthy relationship stands in the way of having a healthy one. You’re even aware that you specifically seek out people who you know might be bad for you.

Van der Steen can’t analyse your entire situation only based on your letter, but she says it can be helpful to examine your desires and ask yourself what you hope to find by experiencing pain. “You say that you understand how unhealthy a toxic relationship can be,” she adds. “So what exactly do you like about it?” 

To understand this, you need to figure out where this desire comes from. Think back to your childhood and the relationships your role models – parents, friends, teachers, and fictional characters – were in. “Do these relationships have anything in common with the type of love you are looking for?” she asks. According to Van der Steen, it’s possible that you’re looking for the pain you felt when you were a kid, because you’ve learned that attention and love always go hand in hand with sadness, for instance. 

As a child, you might also have learned that love is conditional, which gives you the sense that you have to keep testing your lover to make sure they still choose you. A destructive relationship, with the intense emotions that come with it, can make it seem like you’re worth more to your partner. “Maybe you want someone who chooses you again and again, and you think this isn’t possible unless you fight a lot” she says. “In that case, you assume that love is only meaningful when it hurts.”

You can also ask yourself how your emotions were received when you were younger. Did you feel like they were welcomed? “If showing vulnerability used to feel unsafe, it can feel unsafe to let someone in emotionally later in life,” Van der Steen explains. Perhaps you’re having a hard time surrendering yourself fully to someone else, which in turn causes you to chase short-term highs.

You might also struggle with a fear of abandonment or a fear of commitment – the two often go hand in hand. “Because of that, unhealthy relationships can feel safer and more familiar than healthy ones,” Van der Steen says.

Other questions you can ask yourself are: What is your definition of real love? Do you think being in a healthy relationship means there’s no passion or excitement? Up until now, you’ve mostly chased the tension of unhealthy relationships, so you don’t know how exciting a kind and respectful relationship can be. Besides, Van der Steen adds, healthy relationships aren’t devoid of passion by default.

It’s especially nice to explore your sexual fantasies with a person you feel safe with, for instance. In some cases, it can take some time before you reach the passionate stage you’re so keen on. “You usually build an intense relationship together with someone who makes you feel safe, because this makes it possible for you to show your vulnerability,” Van der Steen adds. That vulnerability makes it easier to discuss sexual fantasies, but also your relationship needs in general.

Your letter also mentions you fantasise about a partner your friends would disapprove of. Friends can indeed hold up a mirror and show you how harmful toxic relationships can be. They could also help build your confidence. So talking about this with your friends will definitely help.

Understanding your own emotional scheme is not an easy process and perhaps you’d benefit from talking to a therapist about it. They can help you figure out if you’re holding on to any pain from the past and how you can heal from it. 

You might discover that, for now, having a series of short and powerful flings is perfect for you, as long as you choose your partners because you feel connected to them and not because you’re looking for sadness or pain. Ultimately, it’s all about loving yourself. As Van der Steen puts it: “When you love yourself, choosing a healthy love life gets easier.”