The dispute between Lana Del Rey and Lorde, like the filling of a Taco Bell burrito, cannot be considered beef. The two passively jabbed at each other a few years back, when both were riding the acclaim from their debut albums, but things never got out of hand. Lana Del Rey is a grown-ass woman with cigarettes to smoke, and Lorde is a prodigal kid who wants to dance. There’s simply no time for beeves.
Their stans have plenty of time for all this, though. The past three days have seen a petty-ass war between Lana Del Rey stans and Lorde stans on review aggregator Metacritic, with hordes of presumably sepia-toned Lana Del Rey fans creating accounts to attack Lorde’s Melodrama, labelling it boring and mainstream, Meanwhile, a miniature army of Lorde fans are responding in kind, dismissing Lana Del Rey’s Lust for Life as boring and monotonous. Both armies are giving their own leaders 10/10 ratings on the site.
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The war first came to light Tuesday morning. Reddit user SpectreisMyName—to whom I am grateful, because I wouldn’t want to have to quote DenimFuckboi69 or something in a blog post any more than I have to—flagged it up with a handy rundown of numbers. Lust for Life‘s user score—a rating based entirely on the will of the people, separate from the score generated by venerated critics—had dropped from 9.2 to 7.9 overnight. This appeared to be a retaliation after Melodrama had been dragged down below a 9.0 by Lana Del Rey’s stans.
To be blunt, Lana Del Rey fans started things. Searching through the reviews leads us to one user, the Gavrilo Princip of the Pop Wars: Vaveloz. “So horrible, repetitive, simple and boring,” the user wrote in a zero-point review of Melodrama. “This album is overrated. All songs sound the same. People think this girl is creative, but she really doesn’t have anything good.” An honest assessment from an unbiased party? Hell no. Vaveloz reviewed Lust for Life soon after with a perfect 10.
Vaveloz, who bodied Melodrama on July 22, was the first user to review both records exlusively. Then the floodgates opened. Later that same day, Coopstar21 wrote that Melodrama “shows that Lorde is just another pop girl following the crowd.” Coopstar21 gave Lana full marks, Lorde nothing. Coopstar21 reviewed one other album on Metacritic—Tyler, The Creator’s new LP, Flower Boy. Coopstar21 gave it a zero. Coopstar21 is an idiot.
It goes on. On July 25, user THANKSAGAIN wrote that Melodrama was, “Honestly one of the worst albums I’ve heard,” before following up with a review of Lust for Life. I reprint it here in its entirety: L a N a d e l r e Y I s t h e b e s t a N d h a s t h e b e s t a l b u M s. I t I s t h e b e s t a l b u M o f 2 0 1 7. T h e r e I s N o t o N e s o N g o n the album I dislike.” DOODA73674 didn’t find Melodrama “relatable” enough for anything more than zero points; DOODA73674 apparently found Lust for Life so relatable that it warranted a perfect 10 and then a final comment to back it up: “10/10 for me.” DOODA73674’s life must be a sepia-toned orgy of sultry pleasures.
And then, the backlash.
“Lana del Rey’s fans are really ridiculous,” wrote a user called vintageclothes in a now-deleted post. “Stop hanging your **** on Lorde [what four-letter word people are supposed to be hanging on lord is a mystery to me] only because Melodrama is so much better than Lust For Life, an album that can’t compare to masterpieces like Honeymoon and Ultraviolence, despite some good tracks. Lana del Rey’s fans are giving low scores to Lorde only for their pathetic envy, really sad.” I don’t want to live in a world where a user called vintageclothes can’t enjoy a new Lana Del Rey record, but here we are.
A Lorde-loving user called inde had a particularly confounding take: “I found a very boring album something already seen by wool seems a born to die 2.0 and out of my taste apparently. And is nothing new in it is still the same sounds, his voice does not seem to have improved or give something new to show, somewhat boring.” Some strong points there. Soon after, hadessrs chimed in: “Not good enough for any one song of this abysmal song to be on my playlist. Maybe 13 beaches, I think. Not good. Come on Lana. Make something nice and different. A smile doesn’t mean your music has changed.” Both of these users gave Melodrama 10/10 reviews.
In an apparent attempt to sound credible, some Lorde fans pretended to be underwhelmed by Lana Del Rey, an artist for whom they wish nothing but the best. Users Illuminatorr, John Waynee, and loit all used some variation of the word “disappointed,” like they were Lana Del Rey’s social studies teachers, to describe Lust for Life. All gave Lorde that perfect 10.
At the time of writing this, the war has done little more than create an unnecessary parity—Melodrama sits with an 8.3 user score while Lust for Life hovers nearby on 8.2. Maybe we should ask why, with so much enmity in this imperfect world, people saw fit to bring this squabble to a review aggregation site. Or maybe we should sit back and watch the war play out. Like a Taco Bell burrito, it’s beef-adjacent at best. But it’s fucking great when you’re high.
Alex Robert Ross is here for the beeves. Follow him on Twitter.
