Being a Narcissist Won’t Actually Get You Far In Life

A version of this article originally appeared on VICE Netherlands.

We live in an age where narcissism seems to be praised as if it was a desirable social trait. From a young age, society tells us that self-promotion is the surest way to success: Become a zillennial capitalist and profit off whoever you can! We idolise influential scammers who sell packaged hot air and elect shameless phoneys like Boris Johnson and Donald Trump to high office. While the world around us collapses, we’re too busy admiring our own Instagram-filtered faces on our phone screens to even notice.

This isn’t a very hopeful picture of society, but it’s a fairly accurate one. It definitely feels as though behaving like a narcissist can get you pretty far in life, or maybe even that you need to adopt those traits to be successful.

Eddie Brummelman, researcher and associate professor of developmental psychology at the University of Amsterdam, recently wrote a book about the topic – Admire Me! How to Survive a Narcissistic World, currently only available in Dutch. Brummelman says individualism has steadily been on the rise in many places around the world. “That means that we’ve started assigning more value to our individual selves than to the group we’re a part of, whether that’s our group of friends, our family or our colleagues,” he says. “Working on ourselves and finding ourselves has become very important.”

Research found that between the 70s and the 2008 financial crisis, narcissistic personality traits rose among the population of the U.S. – peaking in 2009 and declining ever since. A 2016 study determined that the post-crisis levels of narcissism were comparable to those sampled in the 80s and 90s, concluding that these individual attributes might become more widespread in times of economic growth.

“We grow up within a certain context, and narcissism is not a characteristic you’re born with. It’s a certain belief you develop about yourself based on the life experiences you share with your parents, your friends, and society in general,” Brummelman says. “And the way you’re raised or what you were taught in school, for instance, are very much shaped by the dominant cultural beliefs of that moment.”

Much of our pop culture depicts narcissists as unique individuals who think and function on a different level than regular people – think Patrick Bateman from American Psycho, Miranda Priestly from The Devil Wears Prada or even Dr. House.

But “narcissism is a personality trait,” says Brummelman, “which means everyone has it to a bigger or lesser degree.” Basically you, me, Brummelman and every other person in the world has some narcissistic tendencies, but there are big differences between how each individual expresses them. At the far end of the spectrum, there are people who have a Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), a mental condition where people experience a sense of self so inflated it ends up damaging relationships.

“When you’re a narcissist, you feel like you’re better than others, as if you’re above them. You don’t care for other people, they’re inferior. They’re only useful when they can do something for you, like elevate your status or paint you in a flattering light,” Brummelman explains. “And even though you look down on these regular people, you can still very much crave their approval.”

Narcissists actually often create an alternative version of reality that’s favourable to them and really do believe it in most cases. When it comes to interpersonal relationships, “narcissists use certain strategies to put themselves on a pedestal in an effort to gain approval,” Brummelman says. “And if that doesn’t work, they flip the approach and try to push others off of their pedestals. That’s when you see the belittling, the hostility and aggression that comes with narcissism.”

Overall, living with narcissism can be incredibly stressful both for the people around the narcissist and for the person themselves. “People with strong narcissistic tendencies, those who have a narcissistic personality disorder, also frequently suffer from anxiety disorders, depressive episodes or substance abuse issues,” Brummelman continues. In fact, a 2008 paper found that 40 percent of people diagnosed with NPD have substance abuse problems, 28.6 percent have mood disorders like depression, and 40 percent have anxiety – these rates are much higher than in the general population.

On the other hand, narcissists “come off great in job interviews. They’re quicker to get promoted to a leadership role, even when they lack the required professional experience”, Brummelman says. In his research, he found that kids with narcissistic tendencies were often elected leaders in their classroom – even when they didn’t have particular leadership skills.

All of this can be a very helpful trait in a fake-it-till-you-make-it society. But a narcissist’s success is often short-lived. “Narcissism can be helpful when it comes to reaching certain positions, but it doesn’t guarantee continued success,” Brummelman says.

Narcissists aren’t usually fun to be around for very long. “We often see narcissists become outcasts.” Brummelman says. “They don’t always act with integrity, they encourage dishonest behaviour in their employees, they give themselves the biggest bonuses, they often behave impulsively and they surround themselves with “yes men”. They pick fights and don’t apologise, because this would require admitting they were wrong.” All of these destructive behaviours usually end up catching up with the person, impacting their wellbeing and long-term success.

“People with narcissistic characteristics are very good at appearing intelligent, smart and competent just like real leaders, and that can also be sexually attractive to people,” Brummelman continues. “But when you look at them objectively, they’re just as competent as anyone else, or even less competent.”

We’re especially susceptible to someone’s narcissistic charms when we feel like we’re in a crisis. Insecure people long for a strong leader, someone who makes it look like they’re fighting for you – even when they’re pretending. In fact, according to Brummelman, we are notoriously bad at recognising and dismantling narcissistic illusions.

“I think this has to do with biology,” Brummelman says. “Evolutionarily speaking, self-deception might not seem useful, but it’s a helpful tool when it comes to deceiving others. If I see myself as a true leader and I don’t have any doubts about it, it will be much easier to convince others that I am.”

So, instead of trying to figure out what we could learn from narcissists to get ahead, maybe we should focus on making sure we don’t fall for their over-confidence and give our trust to more realistic people, instead.