Why Do We Secretly Enjoy Other People's Break-Ups?

If you are struggling with a break-up and need to talk to someone, email lovebetter@youthline.co.nz or text “lovebetter” to 234.

Recently, a friend asked if I’d seen that a TikTok-famous couple had split. 

I replied with a gasp and “I knoooow,” a smile creeping across my face, eyes twinkling over the thought that we could decode an internet break-up together. 

“I don’t know why I’m smiling, it’s not exactly funny,” I responded to my involuntary glee. 

It got me thinking about why break-ups (particularly for those with a public platform) are so easy to gossip about. 

But, when the shoe is on the other foot, the thought of your relationship split being group chat fodder is enough to make you never want to hard launch.

What is it about break-ups that make for the most salacious tea? 

When famous celebrities – and especially power couples – split, the media writes think pieces and trips over themselves to get the first exclusive. Fans decide who they’ll “get” out of the two in the “divorce”, and, at its most extreme, it becomes a parasocial mess. 

When comedian, John Mulaney, left his wife of eight years, Anna Marie Tendler, the internet proclaimed that ‘love was dead’ and that it was “on sight” if some fans ever saw him out in public. 

Whatever you think of their split, there’s no denying that celebrity break-ups like this can create new cultural discourses (in this case, about men not wanting children and then getting their new partner pregnant almost instantly) and can change the public’s perception of them. 

This fear is shared in Sabrina Carpenter’s latest single Please, Please, Please. 

Heartbreak is one thing, my ego’s another. I beg you, don’t embarrass me…

Break-ups can give people who weren’t huge fans in the first place some validation (“I knew I always got a weird vibe from him”) or give them something (or someone) to discuss without the real-life stakes that can come from gossiping about friends or colleagues.   

The grass isn’t greener

When it comes to relationships, we can often think that the grass is always greener in someone else’s bed. 

Relationships are incredibly personal and, shock horror, none are perfect. 

Maybe that’s why we feel a sense of surprise (or even betrayal) when the Instagram couple who post gushing paragraphs about one another or make Relationship Goals TikToks suddenly delete all evidence of one another. 

In the same way that social media has skewed our perception of how much money people have, TikTok and Instagram can also make us believe that everyone is having heaps of sex and grid-worthy date nights. 

This internet pressure can even create resentment in relationships as you wonder why your kind and caring partner isn’t lavishing you with regular photo-ready picnic spreads and surprise trips to an Airbnb in the Sounds. Spoiler alert: that’s not the norm for most people.

And trust me, no one is posting the bickering on a road trip or an argument that gets blown out of proportion because one of you had a long day at work. 

Even the most idealised internet-famous couples can still question whether a relationship is right for them. 

So, when we see the signs that a couple has decided to go their separate ways (especially when it’s a couple you thought was end game), the guilt-filled glee that bubbles up could come from realising that there’s nothing wrong with you or your relationship. 

At the end of the day, you get to choose what you share about your own relationship with the people around you and the internet. 

It’s literal human psychology to discuss what other people are choosing to do with their lives. Call it gossiping or sociological notes from the field, break-ups will most likely remain high up on the most tea-worthy topics dropped over brunch. 

But keep it in mind, as the shoe could always end up on the other foot.