Is Post Relationship 'Mania' Real?

We’ve all seen the post-break-up frenzy trope played out on camera. The woman (and it is usually a woman) is typically beautiful, a short silk nightie clinging to her delicate body, draped over a worn leather couch. She’s balancing a thin cigarette perfectly on her manicured fingers, mascara smudged under her eyes, a single tear slipping down her hollow cheek. Sipping hurriedly from a bottle of champagne, she slips on a pair of perfectly ripped stockings, steps into her heels, and grabs a fur coat as she heads out the door into the night, a crazed look in her eyes. 

She is the epitome of a woman in a post-breakup state, envisioned through the patriarchy-soaked glow of the male gaze. 

She heads out to drink, flirt, dance alone and eventually she ends up in someone else’s bed – lipgloss and winged eyeliner still impossibly intact. 

We idealise this woman for dealing with her failed relationships in such a seemingly nonchalant, glamourous and daring way. But is this really a realistic response, or a stereotype fuelled by (mostly male) directed films? What is it with society's need to portray women as sexy, even in the midst of a post-breakup breakdown? 

Imagine a world in which women just existed, without the need to be pretty in pain. What does a post-breakup state really look like?

Is it a scandalous, whirlwind rebound in a foreign country, lipstick-stained gin glasses strewn on the carpet? Maybe. But maybe it’s crying hysterically at the karaoke bar with your workmates at 9pm, snotty, and puffy and full of rage. Maybe it’s looking the new girl’s socials from a smelly, pizza-crumb-infested childhood bed, in pyjama pants that should have been thrown out before the 2008 financial crash.

If you’ve ever been heartbroken, or met anyone who has, you’ll know it’s usually pretty far from glamorous. It’s a string of weird Hinge rebounds you’re too embarrassed to tell even your best friend about, that just make you miss your ex more because everything about them feels so wrong. 

It’s being dragged out to a party and spending the whole night checking if they’ve watched your story yet. It’s chopping all your hair off over the sink. It's putting your own clothes in the dryer, so they’ll be warm when you step out of the shower. It's hauling yourself to work and letting yourself cry loudly in the staff toilet. It’s deleting all the photos. It's learning to love yourself, one shaky, tender, terrified step at a time. 

Everyone processes break-ups differently, but there is often a period of tumultuous emotions following a relationship deteriorating. “Rebound” relationships are common, as people may be seeking comfort, both physical and emotional, to help deal with their newfound singleness.

Many people report feeling initial distress, moments of elation, as well as loneliness and difficulty accepting the loss and adjusting. Whether a post break-up “hysteria” is healthy or not is debatable, but is nonetheless seen by many as a natural part of the grieving process. Experts in the field of relationships state that a period of extreme emotional volatility, as well as experimenting with new parts of an identity, are all natural in the post-breakup stage, so long as they don’t cause severe distress or harm. 

So, maybe, (like many things) the key here is acceptance. Accepting the relationship has ended, that things might feel a little bit crazy for a while, and that this is a normal part of the healing process. Be kind to yourself, ride it out, and seek help if things don’t return to a more calm state within a few months. 

And remember, even on the days that hurt more than they don’t, even on the nights where you’re sure you can’t possibly be healing: be proud of getting up each day, tucking yourself in each night, and trusting that time heals all. Try to accept your post-break-up-state: no matter what that looks like. Beautiful, a little bit crazy, or mostly full of stubbornness, snotty determination and rage. 

Own the Feels is brought to you by #LoveBetter, a campaign funded by the Ministry for Social Development.

LoveBetter Youthline support channels:

Email: lovebetter@youthline.co.nz

Or rangatahi can text lovebetter to 234

https://check.areyouok.org.nz/

Jennifer Rockwell (she/they) is a writer and award winning poet based in Tāmaki Makaurau. Her work can be found on her social media @dawnpoems.