Your Guide to Doing Drugs at SXSW

Having spent the last 13 years here, I feel it’s my duty as a citizen of Austin, Texas to take a small moment and discuss the proper etiquette for buying drugs during the South by Southwest music festival. This has been a recurring issue since its inception and finally the time has come to put an end to the Yankees hogging all available bathroom stalls. Local small-time drug dealers rejoice. Your boy Lolo is here to offer some relief from the weekend warrior recreational part-time pharmaceutical user.

First off, I’d like to take a second and set the record that I myself am not a drug dealer. That being said, it would be fair to say that I’ve met a couple in my life. Living in a city known for partying, it’s just something you find yourself in contact with from time to time. On a normal Friday night when you get a wild hair up your ass to turn up, you call your dude, he meets you at a random a bar, you make small talk, you buy your drugs, and that’s it. A quick “dap sesh” and you’re on your way. SXSW is a warzone. There are drunk white girls everywhere. It’s loud. Goddamn, it’s loud. And everyone wears sunglasses. It’s not as bad as everyone makes it out to be. The people who live here make a lot of money and most of the door guys get pussy that is way out of their league.

Cocaine is a stupid drug. It’s expensive, it makes you feel like dog shit in the morning, and it always leads to having horrible conversations that last for goddamn ever, typically with someone you would never talk to, like an A&R guy for Matador or something awful like that. Regardless, during SXSW, cocaine is the cat’s pajamas. You can make more money selling coke during SX than you could clockin’ in at some fucking kitchen and that’s why everyone sells coke during SXSW. I can charge you motherfuckers double what I pay for it. Fourty dollar bags are 50 bucks during SX and we don’t even have those here, just $20 bags all day. Want a gram? That’s $50 and it’s two 20s. Don’t like it? Cool, take a walk and find another coke boy. Ain’t hard.

You have to understand. Do you know how many backstage doors I’ve worked throughout my life and had JOE BLOWHARD whatever the fuck come up to me and ask “where the party was?” DUDE, for real? Is this fucking Boogie Nights? Yuppies are shameless. I’ve been hit up for blow riding the bus on my way to work. I’ve been hit up for blow while taking a shit. Strangers walk up to you in the middle of the street asking if you know how to get any. Eventually, some swinging dick making $10 an hour is gonna say, “Why yes, I do know where the party is.”

The easiest thing to do is have a local get it for you. You will get the best deal, and more than likely, it won’t be terrible. Warning: Everyone will tell you their blow is good, but it is not, this is an old wives’ tale, sort of like Texas being able to succeed. Do you see that giant black man with hair like a “Baha Man” spoting a “ NOLA” tattoo on his neck? Well, that man is a drug dealer. Normal people don’t look like that. It’s just a thing. Other things to look for: gold teeth, face tattoos, baggy pants, someone who has cigarettes but isn’t smoking. If you see a guy sitting alone at a picnic table alone, smoking swishers, just sit back and watch for bit. If you see him trap, buck up and make a move. Don’t be rude. It’s just a job.

Drugs are super easy to do. It’s just how you do them that makes you an asshole. No one would give a fuck how much coke you shove up your nose as long as you don’t inconvenience anyone. If I see two guys leaving a bathroom together it better be for one of two reasons: 1. both guys were sucking each other’s dicks or 2. one guy was pissing in the sink and the other in the toilet. If you make me wait to piss while you powder your nose with that baby laxative, you are gonna get beat up. If you are going to do drugs, don’t be a bitch about it. Don’t be a pussy. Just do drugs out in the open. If you’re so ashamed at what you’re doing, you shouldn’t be doing it anyway. It’s called “bar bumps,” you just bend down put your head between your legs and shove the key up your nose. If you get caught doing bar bumps, just say you’re sorry and leave quietly. NBD.

I can’t wait to see you all here in a couple weeks. Please pick up after yourself and tip your bartender. Try to not be an asshole because you will get knocked the fuck out. After all, this is Texas. Oh, one more thing. Only one Xanax without a script is a felony!

Logan Worrell will see you in Austin soon. Hook him up. @itsloganworrell