John Wayne Bobbitt Uncut

Dir: Ron Jeremy
Rating: 7

Remember last year when Lorena Bobbitt cut off her husband’s penis? The news sent a shock wave through the misogynist community like a frickin’ A-bomb. Gigolos everywhere were hiding in fear. Codpiece and athletic-cup sales hit an all-time high. I know guys who literally threw away all sharp objects in their apartments and replaced their silverware with plasticware.

I remember thinking, “This is exactly the reason why marriage is a bad idea. Wives cutting off wangs in the middle of the night… The horror! The horror!”

It is understood that men are barbaric, awful, vile monsters for the most part, but women make life worth living, and when women stoop to such violent lows you can’t help but wonder whether those girls on the radio are right and maybe we shouldn’t go chasing waterfalls. Maybe we should stick to the rivers and lakes that we’re used to and just all bite down on our cyanide tablets and get this show on the road already.

I cannot imagine any scenario where I would want to settle down, marry someone, and risk the greater good and longevity of my genitalia. The majority of the women I’ve dated thus far have been absolutely psychotic (razor wounds on the wrist, palms as ashtrays, bat-shit), and granted they are mainly strippers and I fully understand sanity shall not be found in the Cuckoo’s Nest, but if we’re going by sheer percentages, my scientific research has led me to believe that 100 percent of women on earth are insane and capable of cutting off a pecker.

Just recently I had my own Lorena Bobbitt come to my apartment for New Year’s Eve. I swear she was going to kill me. As a bit of a New Year’s surprise I stole her best friend’s number out of her pager a few days prior and had her come over and wait for her friend in my bedroom, naked. When the girl got there I assumed that, like in the movies, I would yell, “Surprise!” and she’d be so excited to see me and her friend already naked that she would quickly disrobe and hop right into bed. I would unpause my cassette of sexy 70s porno music and I’d count down until the balls dropped.

It didn’t go down that way. The girl I was seeing either didn’t get the script changes from the producer or she just completely forgot her lines and her motivation and lost her mind. She began throwing everything breakable she could find. She stormed out into the night and in the short time it took me to get dressed and go after her, she had slashed all the tires on both my and her friend’s car and smashed two of my windows. I don’t know what the F her problem was. It just shows, girls are crazy.

Guys too, I suppose. Look at this dipshit. He gets his dick cut off and makes a porno, thinking someone really wants to see that. The cover even reads, “Ever since all this happened, all everyone wants to see is my penis.” If Ron Jeremy is your director and he’s feeding you that line of horseshit, then you’re an idiot and deserve a Frankencock. How long before this guy fades back into obscurity?