Love Christmas? Prove It By Eating A Christmas Tree

I’m going to be honest with you, when I pitched this article in an editorial meeting, I wasn’t imagining a future reality where I’d be lying awake trying to work out how to capture the nuanced smell of a Christmas tree while not burning down a co-worker’s kitchen. But sometimes you need to go where the content is, put your body on the line, and consume a jaggard ornamental tree.

To backtrack a moment. I love Christmas, like a lot. And enjoy spending the last few months of the year descending into deep internet holes of festive feelings. This year, that journey brought me to several survivalist, greenie and folky sites that all promised the same thing: that your tree can be digested.

The problem was, that’s about as far as the information went. No one followed up with serving suggestions beyond boiling the needles to make a high vitamin C tea.

Noting this considerable culinary oversight, I set myself the task of giving the internet what it so needs — a guide to serving a Christmas tree. You are all very welcome.

A Christmas Mojito

Ingredients:
A handful of pine needles
Rum
Sugar
Lime juice
Mint

Method:

1. Boil your pine needles until they go brown and your water goes yellow (yum!)

2. Take your fresh pine tea and let it cool.

3. While that’s happening, muddle a few slices of lime with a few mint leaves.

4. Add as much sugar as you generally enjoy and stir.

5. Pour in your rum, and top up with your cooled tea.

6. Serve with a joyful sprig of tree.

A Christmas Baked Brie

Ingredients:
A handful of pine needles
A wheel of brie
Honey

Method:

1. Preheat your oven to 180 degrees celsius (356 degrees fahrenheit).

2. Unwrap your brie, and pierce some holes in it.

3. Plug those holes with sprigs of Christmas tree.

4. Drizzle the whole thing with honey to taste.

5. Bake for 10 minutes, or until you’re legitimately worried the whole thing will catch on fire.

6. Serve on bread or crackers. Just be careful, this stuff is molten when it comes out of the oven.

A Christmas Relish

Ingredients:
A handful of pine needles, chopped finely
A small red onion sliced thinly
A clove of garlic minced
Balsamic vinegar
Olive oil
Sugar

Method:

1. Sauté your onion in oil until it softens.

2. Add your onion and needles, simmer for a few more minutes.

3. Add a splash of vinegar, and a pinch of sugar and cool until the liquid evaporates.

4. Take off the heat and serve hot or cold on whatever people eat relish on.